Enough silence.

Disclaimer: I am sick (literally, a cold) and find myself in bed hungry but no taste for anything. There will be spelling errors. Carry on.

Hi. For a month I worked my butt off in a routine and schedule and diet. I found some results, but really it wasn’t a number game for me. It was a ‘wow I feel amazing’ game. Then something happened inside my heart and I was broken. I didn’t want to blog about it, or make a video. Maybe I should have? The thing is… I guess I wasn’t ready to share my darkness. The road block that hit me in the chest; hard. 

Where do I really start from there? here?

First - I miss having a routine work out. I’ve spent the last few weeks doing a lot of outside work (landscaping the house!) and it has felt great. I’ve been surrounded by a lot of great fun. However, I really need to be more physical. I’ve gone on a few lengthy walks here and there, but this should be routine right now. Changing that Tuesday. Getting back in the game. I miss feeling that work out high!

Next - I have to say this because it is on my mind. It has been on my mind for the past few months, and slowly it has festered. I cannot deal with people who talk the talk but do not walk the walk. I cannot deal with the ‘yay! look what I’ve done!’ and they haven’t really done it, at all. Several of my friends have been inspirational in their routines of working out and eating healthy. It is very inspiring. I’m talking real in person best friends, to coworkers, to old friends that have moved away, to you all…. my twitter/facebook/tumblr people. It is amazing. I just hope that you’re doing it for you, for your health, and not for the pat on the back. There is one person whom I love and think is so wonderful, but they are doing that. Faking it and not ‘til they make it, but…. just faking it. They are cheating themselves and that is the tragedy. I do not think that they see it. Maybe they will read this and realize it is them I am speaking about. I’m not being mean, just real. I don’t think anyone else in your life is being real. Ever. Just saying.

And finally - as for my heart. It’s healing quite well. I find with each experience I learn a valuable lesson. This one is one I will hold forever in so many ways.

Always remember: you cannot force change, honesty, and love.

I’m back on the road to being ‘me’ and for the first time in a good month or two, it feels nice.

xoxo,
D. 

Moving on and up.

I’ve found myself at a loss for words a lot these days. At some point I shut down to you all, and even myself. I may have told my friends, family, and coworkers the facts of my recent life experiences, but I did not share my feelings or thoughts - not even to myself. Just now I had a rush of thoughts and feelings run through my veins like a crisp cold Diet Dr. Pepper. 

I am not even really sure where I feel like the first blow to my thoughts and feelings was the downfall and drama surrounding my ownership and running of the website FramingHanley.net. As most of you may know I sold this website last fall after a lack of appreciation, a lot of online bullying, and a shit ton of drama surrounding every aspect of my ownership of the website. To spare the drama and the details that have probably been heard - I will just share a few things and my thoughts and feelings. When I was young I spent a lot of my free time creating graphics, taking photos, and always supporting what has now become Framing Hanley. All of this was an outlet for my creativity and a lot of great memories with friends. At some point things changed between me and at least one of the band members. I still continued to support even through drama and the end of friendships. I did not do this to gain money or fame. I did this because I was great at what I did for the website and they had no real fan site to expose their music to their fans. It was my goal to reach fans and deliver what the fans wanted to them constantly. When specific things were posted some people got upset. Drama ensued and eventually I just could not support someone that was so blatantly spreading more hate than love and awareness. After my announcement my name was smeared and that hurt. It hurt because what was said was complete lies. My decision was spun to make this person look like a leader and me a liar. I will never forget or forgive that moment, those words, or this person. I’ve never felt like someone whom I once called a friend would ever just lie like that. What happened next was a lot of hate pouring out from the fans, and even some “friends” of mine - to me. It was my decision to block, delete, and forget those people. After all, they really had no idea. What upset and hurt me is that people that really had no idea were the first ones to play both sides of the situation. Sending me emails, direct messages, FaceBook messages, and Tweets telling me either horrible things or wonderful things - then turning around and smearing my name and work - my dedication and honesty - to the other person. It was then that I realized that I was just a tool to these people to be used to update a website, to help gain fans, to keep fans updated… and the fans just thought of me the same (not all of them, I think the ones that are free thinkers and not blind - were genuine. Thank you.) way - a tool to get what they wanted and closer to the band. Looking back I have no regrets. I learned a lot. I learned that those types of situations should have always been business, and never a mix with friends. Moving forward I will limit myself in my work for friends. I can now say that my only wish is that people really knew who they idolize. They probably never will - their loss. A fool is fooling so many, but thankfully not me.

A lot of feelings on my family have weighed my heart lately. I’ve never been that close to any of my relatives, but I recently realized why I never will be. I am shocked and disgusted with how my family treats other family members. I am shocked at how they are so driven by drama, that they cannot even see the importance surrounding events like death, love, and happiness. My great aunt’s passing helped me see who some of my family members really are. I cannot help but feel sad for them as I came back to my reality - came back to my family of friends, and sanity. I wish them all the best, but I have no desire to see some of them ever again. I think what makes me different from my other family members is that I face my problems, I think critically, I love fully, and I speak out on my emotions. So many people do not do that - so much so that they do not function. That’s been my problem as of late; locking up and shutting down without being true to who I am to myself. When I shut down I become one of them. Clueless. Unhappy. Frustrated. Well not anymore - after putting my emotions on the table in this blog I realize how important it is for me to do so. How I can carry on healthily towards my goals.

There are two more things weighing in on my mind now - one is work, and another is Eddie. The work one is pretty simple - I won’t discuss it here in great detail. All I know is that I feel under appreciated. I feel taken advantage of. I feel a loss of that drive that got me excited about going in to work. I am working on getting that back, slowly each day. I fear that the people that I work around might look at me as annoying because of my lack of being ‘there’… Hopefully I can show them I am here, there, and will be. I just need to put up, and shut up. Get down to work. Right? right!

Almost done - if you’re still reading, thank you. Your input, thoughts, feelings would be greatly appreciated through a message / email / tweet / direct message. :)

Onto my friendship with my best friend. It’s not there anymore. Physically we live together, but you’d never know that. He does his thing. I do mine. I’ve heard he posts obvious rants towards me on Facebook, but we’re not friends. I don’t care. It’s funny what can happen and change, and even the minor things blow up into big ordeals. It’s also funny how the most important person in your life can change and become the least important. That’s how I feel. At some point I lost my friend. Either he wasn’t being himself before, or he’s not being himself now. Either way, it’s different. I don’t know if I can even bring myself to tell him all of this - maybe he’ll read it. Maybe none of it will make sense. I just know in my heart that I did some things wrong and probably crazy, but when he stopped asking and listening he never gave a chance to understand my moments. I shut down and put up a wall too, because I saw the ugly that others could see but felt like it would never apply to me. There is probably too much dramatics involved. There are feelings and thoughts going unshared. I never know what the future brings, but I never regret the past. Each day I learn. Each day I grow. I just wish that Eddie would be apart of that. I feel like my chapter with him has been written and turning these pages I see a new chapter. His story stopped. 

Where does all of this put me? It puts me at ease. I am free of the website that caused a lot of pain. I have said goodbye to my aunt. I love my mother. I love my friends. I hate my job, but am willing to work towards loving it again. I am worried about my roommate situation (for a lot of reasons that have been unsaid here). I don’t know where I will be in a month, or two months… or in a year. I just know that where and what I will be is me. Myself. I will always be real, focused, and full of love.

My heart feels lighter and warmer.
My head feels clearer.
My soul feels renewed.

A quick and very meaningful thank you to my mother, my friends, my online family. Without your hugs, calls, texts, messages, tweets, likes - I’d have been lost and depressed.

xoxo,
Dusty. 

Worry, worry, worry.

I am not sure how to begin what I feel. I haven’t taken a moment to write it out till just now.

I worry each day when I wake up. I worry that I could die in a car accident on the way to work and no one would know. I worry that I’ll burst into tears at work and appear unstable. I worry about money. I worry about my weight. I worry about the ones I love. Most of all I worry about my mother. I worry each morning if she is ok. I worry about her situation. I worry about her driving around Las Vegas by herself. 

I have been consumed with worry. My escape was interaction with co-workers, and friends. That has changed a little and now I find my time spent chained to a desk talking to people that are set up to just yell at me. I smile through it hoping that maybe my smile shines through to them, but it rarely does. I’ve worked so much lately that it literally made me tired, even on my days off. I really deserve a vacation away from it all. I need it. I can’t help but feel guilty for wanting that when I hear the pain in my mothers voice.

I’ve never experienced any feelings like this, ever. Feelings of pure 100% sadness. A feeling of worry so great that it gives me a headache. A feeling of being so lost just as I thought I was found. A feeling of alone when I felt like I had it all. I see now that the events that kept me strong are fading, and the events that have me worried and sad now are just depressing. I wish this year was a VCR. I’d rewind to January 1st and record. Start over. I realize this is not a possibility so in order to move forward it is a must to change the channel and record a new program.

It’s like watching that horror movie late at night all alone. You see it, you see something real scary, and so you turn the channel really quick but that image is still there. That fear. Even though the channel is now on some cartoons, those haunting images are still there. I guess I have to sit here for a moment and remember that time heals all wounds, fears, and depressions. I am not depressed, but I most certainly feel lost and in desperate need of an escape. 

I want to push for a trip to Vegas, but I feel like a huge dark cloud is there. I am scared of what storms I will see. I really want more than anything for my mother to come here. I want her to see my apartment - she’s never seen it - and I want to take her to see everyone that misses her here. People she hasn’t even met yet. 

All of these emotions ran through me tonight, and just now. On my way home my mom texted me - I called her back. We talked for 45 minutes and the entire time I wanted to cry or scream. I hear the pain in her voice. It’s like watching the car accident in front of you. You can’t do anything to stop it - it’s too late - and you can’t do anything to fix it because you’re trapped. I don’t have a solution. I am a solution finder. I can’t find one here. This frustrates me to the point of tears. 

The things I can do. The things I will do…

I will continue to work as much as possible. I will continue to love my mother unconditionally. I will continue to push myself that I fly free. I will continue to be honest and real with everyone around me.

Until next time……

xoxo,
D. 

Work, friends, and summer.

I don’t really talk about work in my writings, but all I have done lately is work. So all I can write about is working. Here goes:

I am fully enjoying the changes around me at work. I am seeing teammates push themselves. I am watching people grow and move into new positions. I am sad to see some people go. It’s funny how much work becomes a second home. I’ve been working a lot of over time lately because the business needed it. I’m proud of the people I am assisting. It’s all a little over whelming, but manageable. I am looking at myself in a mirror and I like what I see. I’ve grown up. I’m looked to for guidance and I am given respect. That’s nice. I hope everyone I know is growing and learning in their current positions and striving to get to that next level.

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Always surprised.

I just realized that I am always surprised. Surprised by what I see people do in public, or don’t do. Surprised by how horrible, and how amazing people can be to strangers. Surprised by post-its around the house. Then today. I went to work tired, but enjoyed every moment of it. A relaxed Sunday. A busy day. A lot of fresh faces with smiles ready to learn and grow and looking to me for assistance in doing so. Then I got let off work early and decided to go surprise Krystl at work. I hadn’t done that in a while. Then, to my surprise, upon walking in I see Chris and Krystl! What a cool surprise. He was in town after a few shows in Ohio. We then all went to Target, then dinner, then to the pool. Amazing. I always feel at home with them together.

Who knew waking up today that I would have had such a full, amazing day. Surprised.

I’m sorry; I didn’t know I was annoying.

It’s funny how things go up and down randomly.

I’ve been in a funk because of everything in my personal life, but at least my team at work loves me. During a recent meeting I set my thoughts, feelings, and goals out on the table. I’ve gotten a lot of support, team work, and encouragement through all of my team members. That is something I am very thankful for right now. If I didn’t have their support I’d really hate life a lot right now.

I’ve felt a lot of support from the people who mean the most, but surprisingly I’ve not felt it from a few that I really needed it from. That I am very surprised about. 

I look around and cannot help but realize that I’ve annoyed a few people. I am not sure how, or what, I’ve done that… but clearly I have. I don’t have the energy in my mind to sort it all out or to even really bring it up so I’ve taken to locking myself in my room and only reaching out when they reach out. So far, no hands are out. I’ll continue to wait it out in my safe place.

Do you ever feel like someone interrupts you, ignores what you say, talks over you, or never looks you in the eye? Why do people do that? Is that their way of saying “look, I’m annoyed with you. I’m pissed off. You’re here because they invited you.” or is it all in ones mind? I feel like my mind is smart enough to realize that it’s the first one, and not a false feeling. How did we get to that point, though? Maybe I shouldn’t lean on my friends so much like I have recently. It has been all about me. Maybe I need to focus more on them, now. 

I was annoyed with FaceBook so I took to the use of my ‘delete’ button. Removing people that add me and never speak to me makes using facebook feel safer. Removing people that clearly only read my updates and blogs to talk about my behind my back makes me feel smarter. Removing friends who clearly are not friends makes me feel like they really needed a wake up call. Maybe everyone should edit their friend lists every now and then. 

At this time I feel alone. I feel like I have absolutely no one that gets me, my mind, or my feelings. No one.

I carry on knowing that I am, and forever, will always be alone. Check points are turning into personal check points. Goals are turning into selfish dreams. I guess that is how everyone is, though, right?

Carry on.

xoxo,
D. 

Colorful Inception.

Some say that you don’t dream in color. I know I didn’t. Life had no goal or plan till I met you. Maybe this is my late night thought process to you, and you’re asleep. Maybe I’m just filled with love and thanks and this is my way to express it, again.

I just saw inception. Great movie. Don’t really care to explain it to you, nor do I want to ruin it… but it is an amazing movie. Go see it. I feel like this movie shows how my mind works. I work on many layers. My mind is always moving, even when time is going by in slow motion. It’s amazing. That was a SN (side note) by the way.

Back on topic. See. My mind ran! ahh! 

Seriously. I remember a time when life was black and white and so were my dreams. Now I see a future so vivid in color I run for it. Life is amazing that way. How things happen for reasons that make no sense till chapters down the road. Eddie told me his master plan that involved me. I’m moved. He is simply amazing. That man is filled with love, understanding, and intelligence beyond words. No one will ever fully understand that, but me. A thank you is not nearly enough. Today I found myself wrapped up in my head and more than usual. I’m frustrated on many levels, but then I saw it clearly. Every sign on this road points in the right direction. I’m moving forward and never behind. No stops on this road. I’m excited.

When I look at all of you I look deep inside. I find meaning. I make connections. I wonder. I then try to extract the best in everyone. I care, too much. I’ve realized that sometimes not caring is the best policy. I need to work on that more, for myself. I found my first subject in this. One of many, I am sure. So. Moving forward I will not care about him anymore. I don’t care where he is, who he is with, or what he is doing. Why? Because I see that he never cared. I see this all in full color and it is filled with red. Before the black and white was hard to see through. Ha.

The movie is amazing. Eddie is very important. Work does not matter. I have a plan. I will execute this. My path is there, I just need to walk it. I miss and love my mother. I will find power in my prayer, tonight. I am done with him.

xoxo,
D. 

Don’t you worry, there’s still time.

Time. It goes by so quickly. Before you know it death is knocking at your door. What do you do with your time? What you do with it makes you who you are. Time is valuable. You have to find something that makes you happy. It is never too late to accomplish a dream or to set a goal. There are always set backs, but it’s how you move forward that shows who you are. You’re either in it to win it or set to fail it.

I plan on winning. There is still time. 

Live in this moment now. Enjoy it. Soak it up. Be happy. These are things I tell myself each day and sometimes I forget it, so I need to write it down. I had this dream where I was alone in a cemetery. I was laying there. I was watching time go by. The clouds. The wind. The trees changing. I am not too sure what the dream really meant but I took it like this: Dustin. You’re standing still, you’re not changing. You’re not moving forward. 

It’s like I was watching nothing happen but time. I think I hold back. When did I start holding back? Why did I start? I guess I am fearing the unknown. I am fearing rejection. I am fearing loss and heart break. I guess I will never continue to grow unless I put my foot forward and run. There is always that chance that I will be sad, cry, and heart broken… but there is also a great chance that I will be loved. That I will love. That life will bring me time with someone amazing. Even if it is for a few months. I should roll with the punches and enjoy the time. I shouldn’t fear the possibilities, I should embrace them. Fully. I am 100%. Right?

Time is a funny thing. All week I was sitting in my new position at work enjoying it. The change is exactly what I needed. I am shining. This fits me so well. I’m learning. I’m growing. Time went by so fast. Too fast? I’ve got Monday morning. Who knew I’d look forward to that? I car pooled with Eddie and I enjoyed it. Riding to and from work with your best friend is pretty great. He drove home each night and I appreciated that… just sitting there enjoying the windows being down and the music being loud and my best friend next to me. It was perfect.

On the flip side distance and time is heart wrenching. I am a week away from flying to Vegas. This time is moving so slow. I’ve gone days without seeing Jarrod. I guess that time is slow, too. Waiting for his return from his Birthday vacation. Can’t wait to meet up and give him a hug. Time moves slowly.

Time moves slowly when you want something bad. It feels like when you’re reaching for a dream or goal time moves slower than the turn of Earth. Then those moments where you are completely happy and content, those moments fly by.

Funny how time is. 

Puzzle pieces.

My life is a giant puzzle. Several giant puzzles. I guess you could look at life like that - a giant puzzle. You piece it together one piece at a time. Then you start to see the big picture. 

Have you ever knocked the puzzle off the table and watched all the pieces you worked so hard to get together fall apart? I just did. At my job I work in this large office with tiny little half walled cubicles. They are high enough to hide your work space but low enough to see people around you. It’s lovely. In my current seat position I have about 5-10 people/desks behind me in a row, but I overlook many desks and rows. I also see a wall of windows from across these desks I can see. It’s great. I’m near the back door and I have a space of my own. Before January I had several team members that I fully enjoyed seeing on a daily basis. My department had different schedules. Then January happened. My department changed a little and some of my dear friends left this building. Our schedules changed and I saw less and less of the people I truly value. Then Eddie happened. Eddie and his team was moved into the desks near me. That’s how our friendship started because he sat two desks away. We face each other. Today started the moving of teams and departments and desks. New schedules, too. Now Eddie is on the opposite side of the building. I won’t get to cheer him up when he’s on some bullshit call, and I won’t be cheered up from his genuine smile. This truly does suck. In a week or two I will be moving to a new area, too. This new area is the ONLY area in this building that has no views of the windows, has poor lighting, and is often the ‘forgotten’ area. Hell, I forget it is there all the time. Now I will stare at a blank blue wall for 8 hours each day. The kicker is in that area there are not enough desks so I will not have my own desk… each day I come in I’ll sit at a new seat. I have no sense of pride in my space anymore. I have no sense of home in a place where I spend most of my days. I will have no concept of this summer - is it raining? sunny? is it even daylight still? No windows. 

I realize to some that read this it may appear like I am being some huge cry baby about these changes, but my puzzle was put together and it was so beautiful. Now it has fallen off the table and I think I lost some pieces…

Not everything in my life is a puzzle that has fallen apart. There is this other puzzle I’ve been working on and it is amazing. It is full of the color red. This puzzle is an amazing friendship. I feel comfortable. I am surprised at how many people that I hold near and dear to my heart look at me with nonjudgmental eyes. I love that so many people see me for me. At the same time so many don’t. People I thought knew me and I thought I knew them have been surprising me with their judgement, their jealousy, and their lies. I was talking to Eddie and we were chatting about some one special to me, and I was telling him how we cuddled. I said I felt amazing because it was so close. There was no space in between and I really enjoyed that. He said “Like a puzzle?” and that has completely inspired my thoughts tonight. It was. I found myself laying next to someone that made me completely comfortable. Someone that looks at me and sees me. Someone that I enjoy spending time with. Someone that is very amazing. Now, this sounds like a puzzle of love. Doesn’t it? It is in some rights, but I am not falling in love. I’ll be tweeting and blogging and talking about all these amazing thoughts and feelings and I may mention his name. Actually, I know I will… but anyway, this is a total loving friendship. I find that I have more and more of these. I’m investing in quality people that mean something special to me in their own ways. Gone are the friendships of convenience or friendships or association. 

I don’t work the same schedules as my friends. We all have different off days. I don’t live near ALL my best friends. All of that is ok. I know they are there. We work together to make time to enjoy each other and that makes the friendship puzzles that more amazing. I am blessed. I am happy. I’m just really fucking bummed out about work. I think I am bummed out about work because it is such a big chunk of my days. 

I need to stay focused on myself and my plans and goals. I need to look through the negative changes and see all of the positive. I will be working the same schedule as Jarrod (see - already mentioned his name!) and that means we might be able to do lunch more and more. I’ll have to schedule more time with Eddie to have me and him hang out time - making that more special, too. I guess I can hang up my 10-12 Britney Spears posters on that giant blank wall, and since I won’t know which desk I will be at… I can hang one in front of EACH desk. Why? Because I might be at that seat one day and if I can’t see the outside beauty I will see the Britney beauty.

Life is a puzzle. Work is a puzzle. Friendships are puzzles. Love is a giant puzzle. But the best puzzle of all is the cuddle puzzle… being in someones arms is the best nights sleep I’ve had.

xoxo,
D. 

One of “those” days…

You know how you wake up in a good mood but only like 20 minutes to get ready and out the door. That’s ok because you’re in a good mood and you’re moving quick.

Then you get in the shower and you realize you forgot to buy shampoo and conditioner. So you use the 2 in 1 crap that you save for these moments that you’ve forgotten to pick up your favorite expensive shampoo and conditioner. So you lather up and get rinsed. You get out and you fall. You wonder did you fall because you were in a hurry or because this day is just not going your way. Probably the hurry.

You shrug your shoulders because today is going to be a good day despite these troubles. Then you run out the door and after locking it and getting in your car you realize you forgot something. Again is it because of the rush or the day? I’ll give it the rush. You’re slipping Dustin.

Then you get what you need and run back to the car. You get to the end of the road and realize your tire is flat. Not low, but flat. You go in reverse back to your house. You open the garage to get out the air compressor and you realize that the garage has more crap than it did last time you were in it. Oh yeah, we sold a trailer that had stuff in it. Then you have to maneuver around stuff. The compressor is not plugged in. The extension chord is missing. CRAP. Finally after 2 more minutes wasted you get it working. The tire is not pumping up. So you look to the end of the drive way and see your second car, a car with a flat tire because it goes low slowly and you haven’t driven it in two weeks. That car has eggs on it from the other day where someone egged it.

That tire does pump up. However that car is low on gas. Time wasted and you have somewhere to be.

You drive calmly with every car in your way. The semi wants over and cuts you off and goes slow. The car with kids picking their noses stare at you as you drive by. You pull into the work parking lot with three minutes to be logged in. You run. You get in on time and you sigh a sigh of relief.

On your first fifteen minute break you spend that time cleaning eggs off a car. You did it the other day and it did all come off. You put gas in the car. You go to the ATM. You feel like maybe this day isn’t so bad after all. Then you get the ATM slip that says how poor or rich you are. Today. I’m more poor than usual and it was pay day. Banking error. It has to be.

On lunch you go to the bank to pay your car payment. The new guy at the window judges you because your hair isn’t its normal shine. He’s never seen you before but he knows that your hair wouldn’t look like this. You drive off frustrated at your day.

You get back to work and after lunch your supervisor wants to talk to you. I’ll end here because it gets no better.

I am still smiling but wishing that the day would end. It’s truly been one of those days.