Smoking Killed the teen dream, deal with it.
Things are truly better. Time heals all wounds.
Last night Amanda, Wes, Krystl, Eddie, and I went to see the movie Easy A and I have to say it’s adorable. It’s got sass, comedy, big name stars, sexy ladies, cute boys, drama drama drama, and a nice plot. It was well done. I laughed a lot, as I expected to. I do feel that the trailer gave away too many of the funnies. I plan to own this once on DVD. It’ll sit on the self next to Mean Girls, Clueless, and Jawbreaker.
After the movie we stood around and chatted. Amanda and Wes told me I had to quit smoking because they were. In all honesty I am not sure I am ready, but I am giving it a shot. I notice that I smoke more around them because they are some of my only friends that smoke. Now that they aren’t, the car rides won’t be bad! So today on the way to work I smoked my last cigarette. I’ll keep you all posted on how that goes. :)
xoxo,
d.
Work, friends, and summer.
I don’t really talk about work in my writings, but all I have done lately is work. So all I can write about is working. Here goes:
I am fully enjoying the changes around me at work. I am seeing teammates push themselves. I am watching people grow and move into new positions. I am sad to see some people go. It’s funny how much work becomes a second home. I’ve been working a lot of over time lately because the business needed it. I’m proud of the people I am assisting. It’s all a little over whelming, but manageable. I am looking at myself in a mirror and I like what I see. I’ve grown up. I’m looked to for guidance and I am given respect. That’s nice. I hope everyone I know is growing and learning in their current positions and striving to get to that next level.
Random acts of hate. I just don’t understand.
I’ve been at a loss for words for a few days now, but after some drinks at the restaurant, some more at Chris & Krystl’s, and some alone time on the couch I am ready to type.
I want to start by saying that I am deeply sad, emotional, and angry. I look at life now and wonder why some things have happened. I surround my self with the best of people and I often find myself looking above for answers. This is new to me. Before now I knew what I wanted and enjoyed what I had. I often worried about those around me, but never my self. I now worry about myself and those around me more than ever.
I’ve also stopped writing this blog a few times in the past three days because the subject is a sensitive one. A series of events. Some involving me and some not so directly. I can speak to my own, but not others.
I was assaulted Saturday night. It started this series of events that I don’t want to relive, ever ever again. I pulled into a gas station to buy something to drink and a snack before heading to Amanda’s for some chill time when I was assaulted. I pulled in and parking near the door next to a car that pulled in right before me. As I pulled in I saw a woman get out. My windows were down. I pulled into the spot next to her car and as I did I started to hear words I hadn’t really experienced in public. A guy in her passenger seat starting yelling things like “fucking faggot” and something about burning in hell. Now, I know I sometimes wear makeup or bend the ‘guy’ mold, but I looked very average. T-shirt from AE, plaid shorts, flip flops, glasses, and my hair. Nothing crazy that night. He kept going as I got out of my car and I never looked back. I did not care. I am strong, it’s nothing I hadn’t heard at least once before online, or in person, but this time it was all different. This guy was disgusting. I went inside and got my Diet Coke and Apple Pie snack. The woman was in front of me in the check-out line. She was almost finished as I walked up. She was rude to the clerk and I wondered how someone could act like that to a complete stranger. As I walked up I made small talk with the clerk about that ladies rudeness. We talked about how crazy people can be and I told him the guy in her car was rude and verbally abusive to me. One my way out the door I hoped that they were gone, but they weren’t. As I walked to my car he got out and kept his door open. I had to open my door and squeeze into my car, but as I did so his mouth kept going. By this time it was like slow motion on a fast forward speed setting. It was surreal. The woman was out of the car and yelling at him to get into her car and at the same time telling me ‘sorry sweetie, he’s drunk’ … then he hit me. He hit me in the arm. I was getting in to my car. I couldn’t start it and get my windows up and doors locked fast enough. He hit my driver window over and over. I started to back out as he continued to hit my window and yell words. I was in shock. It had been raining. As I put the car into drive and hit the gas I spun out. Out of the spot I was. I found myself at a red light quick. I then thought I saw a cop across the street so I went there. Nothing. By the time I regained composure I drive across the street to get their license plate number and they were gone. I then got back onto the road and picked up the phone. I was over whelmed with emotions and called my mom. She calmed me down, and on my way to Amanda’s I went. My mom told me she would call me back in a few minutes….
Amanda was upset. She started to do what any smart protective friend would do. She looked up the gas stations phone number, the police station’s number, and then advised that I call. I was just in shock.
Then the phone rang.
This phone call will be one I will never forget and one that will change my life, and view of people, forever. My mom called me upset. The details of our conversation are private and it is something I wish not to share. It’s not my place. Maybe one day my mom can write something about her experience that I can post. I will suggest it to her. I think maybe by speaking out people will see a view point on a subject that is horrific. All I will say is… my heart stopped. The worst thing happened. I could not breathe. As my mom told me her story I cried. I worried. I wondered. I feared. My mind then forgot everything I had experienced that night and went into protective mode for her. I am so proud of my mom. She is such an amazing woman. She is so strong. After being told what happened I realized more than ever how amazing she truly is. No one can take her spirit from her. No one. I now hold women closer to my heart than before. I hold victims close. I want to speak out. I want to fight them. I want to find justice.
My mind did not sleep for nearly two days. I could not sleep. I could not find peace. I was stressed. I prayed. I wanted to get to Vegas so fast. I needed to just hug my mother and heal her heart. I thought about it all so much. I still am. I found support in the most amazing places, surprisingly. Someone from work is giving me a free plane ticket to Vegas for whenever I want to go. I am planning that now. More than ever I want to be hugging my mom. I hope no one ever goes through what she has, but sadly so many women do each day. So many never seek justice. So many never speak out. I want to change that with her help, with your help. I find my heart running. I find my mind thinking about different things then I used to. My prayers were answered about the plane ticket and that takes a lot of stress of my shoulders.
Today was the first day that I woke up ok. I woke up after a long sleep with a plan for the day. I was to pay rent, car payment, see Eddie at work, and then have dinner with Chris, Krystl, Amanda, and Wes. I wanted to surround my self with the best. I need support now. Then Andrew (Eddie’s boyfriend) texted me. I had Eddie’s phone because he left it at home, so he couldn’t get a hold of him. He asked that I ask Eddie to email or call him when he could. Andrew then told me that his car had been keyed with the word “FAG” on the hood. I found the blood in my body boil. How this could happen was beyond me. Andrew is such an amazing young man. He is beyond words amazing. It upset me deep down in my heart to hear that his car had been vandalized. I am shocked, again.
How do people do this shit? Punch people, key cars… etc. I am just in shock.
I sit here praying. I pray that my mom heals up. I pray that her soul finds safety and happiness again. I hope Andrew’s car gets fixed fast so he doesn’t have to have a daily reminder that someone in Nashville is an asshole. I pray that no one ever has to experience hate. I hope for a day where Chris is always home. I miss him. His presence is a much needed one.
I’m thankful for those around me. During this time I might seem distant, crazy, or just … zombie like. I hope you all understand. My mind is not here. It’s in Vegas with my mother. Please pray for us all, my family and friends need it now more than ever.
xoxo,
D.
If things must have a title and we all know things must. I would call this picture “Laughter”.
f-r-i-e-n-d-s
I am not sure what I really want to say here other than thank you. Thank you to those of you who read my blog. Thank you to those of you who reply to my Twitter posts. Thank you for the comments on my Facebook photos. Thank you for being you and being with me on this journey.
Tonight I went to Krystl and Chris’ - she made some damn good lasagna. We had drinks. Two bottles of wine and vodka and pineapples, gone. We sat on the deck in the rose garden and talked. Amanda and Wes were there too. The only people missing were Jarrod and Eddie. I would have been in happiness overload if we were all together. We laughed. We smoked. We looked through my old year books at photos of people that were in the band, are in the band, of us, of old flings, of random people we forgot about. It was good. It was an absolutely perfect evening. Then Wes and I went to walmart. I needed some stuff to sew this hair clips to my weave tracks. Totally rocking extensions, soon. haha.
I am now sitting on my beautiful white leather couch, which is not that comfy, but it’s not fully broken in yet. I’m watching the Proposal (starz HD).. and this movie is so cute….
I am thinking about my friendships. All the various different kinds of friendships that I have. Best friends, friends, work friends, internet friends, best friends with benefits, old friends, the possibility of new friends, and friends of friends. I realize that my friend circles have changed. How my best friend circle is smaller, very much so… and how that is a positive change. How my work friends circle has grown. How much I miss so many of my internet friends. How much I really like some of my friends friends. And thinking about how exciting it is to make new friends. I think about how thankful I am to have such amazing people in my life.
I think about my friends that will someday be walking down the wedding road. I think about those plans. The talks. The excitements. The tears. The smiles. The photos. The adventures. That excites me to see so many of my friends so happy with their loved ones.
I think about Eddie and how he is going to go ‘back home’ for two weeks. How will I live without seeing Eddie for two weeks? He is my best friend. I need his smile to get through a cloudy day. A hug to make it all better. Two weeks is a long time but I know it will go fast. He is going home to tell his parents that he’s gay. I am proud of him for making these steps. He’s growing in so many ways. I am proud of my best friend. I think about how Eddie will be on this adventure. I think about how he will miss home and I cannot wait for his safe return already. I know he is going to miss his boo, Andrew, too. I wonder how people leave their loves for any extended period of time. I wonder how my mom kept her heart and mind sane without my step dad while she lived in Vegas by her self for a couple months. I wonder how Krystl deals with Chris going on the road. I am not sure I could do it. I miss my mother terribly.
I’m thinking a lot about Jarrod. I’m thinking about how amazing he is. How much I will learn and grow from him and his place in my life and heart. I wonder if he see’s how much I truly value him. I wonder so many things about him but find that they aren’t as important as spending as much time as possible before he moves to New York City. I am excited to hear about his adventures in NYC. I am excited to visit NYC for the first time and get to do it with friends, and to see him. He’s not gone yet, and it isn’t the end of summer, but when he goes I know I will cry. We have so much fun together and that level of comfort is amazing. He is one of those people in my life that look at me with no ounce of judgement in their eyes. He’s someone that sees me for me. That means so much to me. He’ll never know just how much. I’m so thankful for the exposure to GLEE and BUFFY that he has given me.
One of the most important friendships that I am missing right now is my mother. She is such an amazing woman. I miss her dearly and with Mother’s Day coming up I feel the need to do something completely extra special. I need to find a way to communicate to her how much I love her. I need to give her a virtual hug. I think it will involve a video and a photo or two. You never know how much you miss someone until they are not there to see, hold, hug, laugh with… on a daily. With the time difference and our busy schedules we don’t get to talk as often as I would like.
It strikes me hard that I’ve been in this apartment for two months now. Time is flying. Before I know it my mom will be here for a visit. Eddie will be back telling me all about his ‘coming out’ story. Jarrod will be packing for NYC. … there will be so many events. So many things that will happen this summer, and year. So many of them will happen fast. So many of them will sneak up on me and before you know it… it will be said and done. I look forward to all of that, but I want to make sure I take the time to reflect here, and on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube.
This is a super long blog entry and if you made it to this point - Thank you. The lesson learned here is amazing friends. When you find them, hold onto them. Tell them you love them and always cherish the moments. Make moments. Make time. Call people. Tell them.
Until next time,
xoxox,
D.
