The never ending search for love.

Aren’t we all searching for love? Real love.

I know I am. I never realized how much I find myself thinking and wondering about the possibilities for true love. I think to myself if I will ever find it. I wonder if it will happen now or later. In the gay world most gay men are superficial to the point of disgust. I know how amazing I am, because I am. I think to myself secretly how someone out there is meant for me. How will I find them? I wonder if someone will find me and accept me here in Tennessee? I wonder if I will have to leave the south and move to some where more accepting to find someone? I look around at how small this community is here and how everyone has dated someone’s ex. This city is so small sometimes. The possibilities are not endless, here.

I look at myself in the mirror and see everything wrong. I lay in bed and feel how I am everything right. Will someone look at me the way I look at them? I realize my loneliness is a direct result of the superficial gay world - weight. I realize that I would never find someone like me attractive. Too much hair, weight, and sometimes makeup. I won’t find someone till I find myself attractive - that’s it. It’s not a matter of self love, or self confidence, but truth of what this world is. I just want someone to look at me and make me feel special. Make me feel loved unconditionally. Make me see myself through their eyes.

I look around at all the love around me and wish someone was looking at my love with a smile on their face. I want what everyone else wants…

Love.

Not myself in May.

I haven’t felt like myself at all this month. What happened? Where did this bump in the road come from? Can I turn around and just start over? No.

Wake up. Time to wake up. Get up. 

I am pretty sure that I have gained some weight back. It’s not like I’ve gained 30 pounds, but I think it’s 10. Why is it so easy to fall out of a routine? Why is this so hard? They say that nothing worth anything comes easy, but I really wish this would. I feel bloated daily. I crave everything. I feel hungry even when I am full. I’ve been eating fast food. This has got to stop, again. I need words of encouragement. I need inspiration. I need someone to push me. Does this mean I gave up? When did this happen? I was on a roll. I was unstoppable. I felt amazing. I need to get back there again.

I’m going to Vegas in a couple weeks. This will be my first time to Vegas. I’m going to see my mom. I want to loose more weight and get this tan back. I will do this. I am going to do this. I want this.

I want health and weight loss more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life. You would think that passion would be enough to drive someone into overdrive and get it done. I was. I was in overdrive. Maybe I needed a break? I guess I will never ever be able to give myself a break. I cannot control myself in break mode. I just need push mode. 

You may feel the negative energy in this blog. I have no idea where it is coming from and why. I have so much to be happy about but I am unhappy. Secretly no one knows. Oops! I guess everyone knows now. I have no idea why I am unhappy or when I became unhappy. Today was an amazing day and maybe that was my wake up. Maybe I realized it just now. I felt inspired to document these feelings. I tanned and ran because I couldn’t get back to sleep. No more fast food. Water. Water. Water. Running. Tanning. Running. Eating only 1500 calories. 

It’s time to jump back on this plan and enforce it.

If we talk food. Let’s talk cooking. If we talk fast food let’s talk running. Ask me if I tanned today. Seriously. I need reinforcements. 

Weight Check Point #1.

Below 250. I started out at 287 and now I find myself at 241. That is a loss of 46 pounds since January. The next goal is 225. That is only 16 pounds away. Skinny Dustin here I come!