If I had you…

… I wouldn’t be feeling the feelings I feel in this moment.

I have a lot on my mind and heart, today especially. I really looked forward to this year as the year of change and in some many ways it has. I also looked to this year as the year of growth, and it continues to be that. I looked to this summer as the summer of love, but I’ve found that isn’t going to be the case.

I’m sitting here on the couch with “The Nanny” on Nick@Nite playing on the TV. It’s hot in the apartment. Apparently our air is not working. Is that just a blessing in disguise? Cutting down on the electric bill, for sure. My mind is running through all the thoughts and feelings I’ve experienced lately, and for the first time I can speak of them freely. Before tonight I felt like what I wanted to say could not be said out of respect for people I don’t even know. Now, being that it is all past tense, it does not matter. I realize now that I should always speak freely in my forum. This is my story. I can’t alter what I am for anyone. Here goes…

Dancing in a pool at three in the morning is a memory I cannot forget. It’s something I really want to forget, but can’t. I’m mad at myself. I want to push this memory out. This is me pushing it out. Setting it out there. Getting it out of my mind.

There comes a moment in your life where you meet the people that help shape you. Each person I know has a purpose in my life. I’ve realized what his was. I’ve talked mildly in tweets, facebook updates, and here about Jarrod. I never really expressed in public what he meant to me, or I to him. Although, we did express this to each other. When I met him my intentions were to figure him out. He interested me and I wanted to know what his intentions were. After talking with him I realized how much I really liked him. As time went on I realized where my feelings were going. I know what page he wanted to be on. I cannot control what life brings me, or him. I felt as if recently the pages were turning together. This book is closed, now, though.

I’ve never had someone look at me like that. His eyes filled with a soul so warm it could make you melt. Cheesy. I know, but seriously. We’ve spent many days and nights enjoying each other’s company. I knew his plan was to move far away, but I was ok with that. I was ready to support and push him. I realized this relationship had an expiration date. I knew once he went to leave it would hurt, but I knew I wouldn’t be hurt. Hurting and being hurt - two separate things. His life is complicated. The complications spilled into my life, but I welcomed it because he is worth it. I respect that at this point in time he had to evaluate a lot of himself and the relationships around him. I always value when someone is honest with me, even if it hurts. I always expect 100% from people because I am always 100% with them.

Now I sit here tears in eyes wondering how long this will last. When will I be ok again? I’m far from ok right now. 

I realize that I could continue a friendship with him. He welcomes it. I know that sitting on a couch next to him without my head on his shoulder would not feel right to me. I know dancing in the pool at three am would not be… us. So, I made the decision that a friendship is not possible. I would have to hold back, be fake, and not be 100% with him in a friendship. I can’t do that. Can you date someone, then be their friend? Or is there always a gray area? If you know you cannot move forward in a friendship with, or without, the gray area - is it completely ok to remove this person? Tonight I removed him. We had lunch together. We talked. I wanted to cry so bad, but I knew that wouldn’t do anything but make my eyes red and puffy. I hugged that last hug. 

Through this experience I’ve learned a love for many things. Things like Glee, and Buffy. Swimming late at night. Staring at someone just wondering what they think. Soft hands. Specific scents to specific people. I’ve also learned to open myself up for the possibilities of love, and clearly, the possibility for heart break. I’ve learned how social networking has changed the dynamics of a relationship. I’ve learned how changing your status on facebook is like the official statement these days. It makes me see how complicated life can be, when you’re social network popular. Once you date someone and break up, do you delete each other in life and from social networking websites? Is that just deemed dramatic? Or is it necessary. Then, you have all the mutual friendships. It’s so complicated. 

In the end I’m most upset that I walk away from this feeling not worth it. If I were worth it, all the complications wouldn’t matter. All the other feelings would be out weighed. This is me realizing that to him, in this moment, with these circumstances, he felt like I wasn’t worth it.

That’s what it all comes down to. 

Note that this is not about “oh, you’ll find someone” or the “he’s missing out!” and any other “oh, he sucks!” phrases or thoughts by you, or me. Simply put he is amazing. I just wish he saw that in me, too.

Move forward I shall. After all, and this is a broken record now, things happen for a reason.

If you’re sleeping next to someone special tonight. Hold them. Hug them. Then tell them exactly what they 100% mean to you, because there is not always a tomorrow. Live your life fully.

xoxo,
D.