You think you know me…
Just when you think you have me figured out I go and tell you all this:
I called my mother tonight. The pain in her voice. The pain and sadness in her soul. It hurts me so. Just when I feel like life is looking up for everyone around me I realize that smiles through a phone are sometimes easy to fake. I realize that so many people are not happy. I realize how loved and missed I am.
I keep having dreams where I save Britney Spears from her life. From her life of imprisonment of fame, conversatorships, and fake people. I keep seeing the pain in her eyes on TV and in photos. It haunts me in my sleep. Is this normal? Then I wake up and realize maybe it’s the pain in my mothers voice I hear. Maybe it’s the sadness in the eyes of people who miss people. Friends who miss friends.
Maybe I am crazy.
So just when you think you know me, realize I am a complex individual. I don’t even know me. My mind is so powerful it scares me. I realize right now that there are people that need me. My mother is one of those people - she’s in the utter most need of my presence right now and life decisions have separated us and keep us from seeing each other more than 1-2 times a year. I will change this.
Just when I think I know me; my mind and heart tells me to sell it all and go.
Just when I was feeling normal, calm, happy, and ready for the summer… I don’t know me anymore.
Worry, worry, worry.
I am not sure how to begin what I feel. I haven’t taken a moment to write it out till just now.
I worry each day when I wake up. I worry that I could die in a car accident on the way to work and no one would know. I worry that I’ll burst into tears at work and appear unstable. I worry about money. I worry about my weight. I worry about the ones I love. Most of all I worry about my mother. I worry each morning if she is ok. I worry about her situation. I worry about her driving around Las Vegas by herself.
I have been consumed with worry. My escape was interaction with co-workers, and friends. That has changed a little and now I find my time spent chained to a desk talking to people that are set up to just yell at me. I smile through it hoping that maybe my smile shines through to them, but it rarely does. I’ve worked so much lately that it literally made me tired, even on my days off. I really deserve a vacation away from it all. I need it. I can’t help but feel guilty for wanting that when I hear the pain in my mothers voice.
I’ve never experienced any feelings like this, ever. Feelings of pure 100% sadness. A feeling of worry so great that it gives me a headache. A feeling of being so lost just as I thought I was found. A feeling of alone when I felt like I had it all. I see now that the events that kept me strong are fading, and the events that have me worried and sad now are just depressing. I wish this year was a VCR. I’d rewind to January 1st and record. Start over. I realize this is not a possibility so in order to move forward it is a must to change the channel and record a new program.
It’s like watching that horror movie late at night all alone. You see it, you see something real scary, and so you turn the channel really quick but that image is still there. That fear. Even though the channel is now on some cartoons, those haunting images are still there. I guess I have to sit here for a moment and remember that time heals all wounds, fears, and depressions. I am not depressed, but I most certainly feel lost and in desperate need of an escape.
I want to push for a trip to Vegas, but I feel like a huge dark cloud is there. I am scared of what storms I will see. I really want more than anything for my mother to come here. I want her to see my apartment - she’s never seen it - and I want to take her to see everyone that misses her here. People she hasn’t even met yet.
All of these emotions ran through me tonight, and just now. On my way home my mom texted me - I called her back. We talked for 45 minutes and the entire time I wanted to cry or scream. I hear the pain in her voice. It’s like watching the car accident in front of you. You can’t do anything to stop it - it’s too late - and you can’t do anything to fix it because you’re trapped. I don’t have a solution. I am a solution finder. I can’t find one here. This frustrates me to the point of tears.
The things I can do. The things I will do…
I will continue to work as much as possible. I will continue to love my mother unconditionally. I will continue to push myself that I fly free. I will continue to be honest and real with everyone around me.
Until next time……
xoxo,
D.
Work, friends, and summer.
I don’t really talk about work in my writings, but all I have done lately is work. So all I can write about is working. Here goes:
I am fully enjoying the changes around me at work. I am seeing teammates push themselves. I am watching people grow and move into new positions. I am sad to see some people go. It’s funny how much work becomes a second home. I’ve been working a lot of over time lately because the business needed it. I’m proud of the people I am assisting. It’s all a little over whelming, but manageable. I am looking at myself in a mirror and I like what I see. I’ve grown up. I’m looked to for guidance and I am given respect. That’s nice. I hope everyone I know is growing and learning in their current positions and striving to get to that next level.
Random acts of hate. I just don’t understand.
I’ve been at a loss for words for a few days now, but after some drinks at the restaurant, some more at Chris & Krystl’s, and some alone time on the couch I am ready to type.
I want to start by saying that I am deeply sad, emotional, and angry. I look at life now and wonder why some things have happened. I surround my self with the best of people and I often find myself looking above for answers. This is new to me. Before now I knew what I wanted and enjoyed what I had. I often worried about those around me, but never my self. I now worry about myself and those around me more than ever.
I’ve also stopped writing this blog a few times in the past three days because the subject is a sensitive one. A series of events. Some involving me and some not so directly. I can speak to my own, but not others.
I was assaulted Saturday night. It started this series of events that I don’t want to relive, ever ever again. I pulled into a gas station to buy something to drink and a snack before heading to Amanda’s for some chill time when I was assaulted. I pulled in and parking near the door next to a car that pulled in right before me. As I pulled in I saw a woman get out. My windows were down. I pulled into the spot next to her car and as I did I started to hear words I hadn’t really experienced in public. A guy in her passenger seat starting yelling things like “fucking faggot” and something about burning in hell. Now, I know I sometimes wear makeup or bend the ‘guy’ mold, but I looked very average. T-shirt from AE, plaid shorts, flip flops, glasses, and my hair. Nothing crazy that night. He kept going as I got out of my car and I never looked back. I did not care. I am strong, it’s nothing I hadn’t heard at least once before online, or in person, but this time it was all different. This guy was disgusting. I went inside and got my Diet Coke and Apple Pie snack. The woman was in front of me in the check-out line. She was almost finished as I walked up. She was rude to the clerk and I wondered how someone could act like that to a complete stranger. As I walked up I made small talk with the clerk about that ladies rudeness. We talked about how crazy people can be and I told him the guy in her car was rude and verbally abusive to me. One my way out the door I hoped that they were gone, but they weren’t. As I walked to my car he got out and kept his door open. I had to open my door and squeeze into my car, but as I did so his mouth kept going. By this time it was like slow motion on a fast forward speed setting. It was surreal. The woman was out of the car and yelling at him to get into her car and at the same time telling me ‘sorry sweetie, he’s drunk’ … then he hit me. He hit me in the arm. I was getting in to my car. I couldn’t start it and get my windows up and doors locked fast enough. He hit my driver window over and over. I started to back out as he continued to hit my window and yell words. I was in shock. It had been raining. As I put the car into drive and hit the gas I spun out. Out of the spot I was. I found myself at a red light quick. I then thought I saw a cop across the street so I went there. Nothing. By the time I regained composure I drive across the street to get their license plate number and they were gone. I then got back onto the road and picked up the phone. I was over whelmed with emotions and called my mom. She calmed me down, and on my way to Amanda’s I went. My mom told me she would call me back in a few minutes….
Amanda was upset. She started to do what any smart protective friend would do. She looked up the gas stations phone number, the police station’s number, and then advised that I call. I was just in shock.
Then the phone rang.
This phone call will be one I will never forget and one that will change my life, and view of people, forever. My mom called me upset. The details of our conversation are private and it is something I wish not to share. It’s not my place. Maybe one day my mom can write something about her experience that I can post. I will suggest it to her. I think maybe by speaking out people will see a view point on a subject that is horrific. All I will say is… my heart stopped. The worst thing happened. I could not breathe. As my mom told me her story I cried. I worried. I wondered. I feared. My mind then forgot everything I had experienced that night and went into protective mode for her. I am so proud of my mom. She is such an amazing woman. She is so strong. After being told what happened I realized more than ever how amazing she truly is. No one can take her spirit from her. No one. I now hold women closer to my heart than before. I hold victims close. I want to speak out. I want to fight them. I want to find justice.
My mind did not sleep for nearly two days. I could not sleep. I could not find peace. I was stressed. I prayed. I wanted to get to Vegas so fast. I needed to just hug my mother and heal her heart. I thought about it all so much. I still am. I found support in the most amazing places, surprisingly. Someone from work is giving me a free plane ticket to Vegas for whenever I want to go. I am planning that now. More than ever I want to be hugging my mom. I hope no one ever goes through what she has, but sadly so many women do each day. So many never seek justice. So many never speak out. I want to change that with her help, with your help. I find my heart running. I find my mind thinking about different things then I used to. My prayers were answered about the plane ticket and that takes a lot of stress of my shoulders.
Today was the first day that I woke up ok. I woke up after a long sleep with a plan for the day. I was to pay rent, car payment, see Eddie at work, and then have dinner with Chris, Krystl, Amanda, and Wes. I wanted to surround my self with the best. I need support now. Then Andrew (Eddie’s boyfriend) texted me. I had Eddie’s phone because he left it at home, so he couldn’t get a hold of him. He asked that I ask Eddie to email or call him when he could. Andrew then told me that his car had been keyed with the word “FAG” on the hood. I found the blood in my body boil. How this could happen was beyond me. Andrew is such an amazing young man. He is beyond words amazing. It upset me deep down in my heart to hear that his car had been vandalized. I am shocked, again.
How do people do this shit? Punch people, key cars… etc. I am just in shock.
I sit here praying. I pray that my mom heals up. I pray that her soul finds safety and happiness again. I hope Andrew’s car gets fixed fast so he doesn’t have to have a daily reminder that someone in Nashville is an asshole. I pray that no one ever has to experience hate. I hope for a day where Chris is always home. I miss him. His presence is a much needed one.
I’m thankful for those around me. During this time I might seem distant, crazy, or just … zombie like. I hope you all understand. My mind is not here. It’s in Vegas with my mother. Please pray for us all, my family and friends need it now more than ever.
xoxo,
D.
Colorful Inception.
Some say that you don’t dream in color. I know I didn’t. Life had no goal or plan till I met you. Maybe this is my late night thought process to you, and you’re asleep. Maybe I’m just filled with love and thanks and this is my way to express it, again.
I just saw inception. Great movie. Don’t really care to explain it to you, nor do I want to ruin it… but it is an amazing movie. Go see it. I feel like this movie shows how my mind works. I work on many layers. My mind is always moving, even when time is going by in slow motion. It’s amazing. That was a SN (side note) by the way.
Back on topic. See. My mind ran! ahh!
Seriously. I remember a time when life was black and white and so were my dreams. Now I see a future so vivid in color I run for it. Life is amazing that way. How things happen for reasons that make no sense till chapters down the road. Eddie told me his master plan that involved me. I’m moved. He is simply amazing. That man is filled with love, understanding, and intelligence beyond words. No one will ever fully understand that, but me. A thank you is not nearly enough. Today I found myself wrapped up in my head and more than usual. I’m frustrated on many levels, but then I saw it clearly. Every sign on this road points in the right direction. I’m moving forward and never behind. No stops on this road. I’m excited.
When I look at all of you I look deep inside. I find meaning. I make connections. I wonder. I then try to extract the best in everyone. I care, too much. I’ve realized that sometimes not caring is the best policy. I need to work on that more, for myself. I found my first subject in this. One of many, I am sure. So. Moving forward I will not care about him anymore. I don’t care where he is, who he is with, or what he is doing. Why? Because I see that he never cared. I see this all in full color and it is filled with red. Before the black and white was hard to see through. Ha.
The movie is amazing. Eddie is very important. Work does not matter. I have a plan. I will execute this. My path is there, I just need to walk it. I miss and love my mother. I will find power in my prayer, tonight. I am done with him.
xoxo,
D.
Everytime. Someday.
Everytime I talk to my mom I am reminded just how much I love and worry about her. Everytime I see her I wonder if it could be the last. Everytime.
Living this far from my mother is proving to be impossible. I really enjoy my apartment. I enjoy my life here in Nashville. I enjoy my friends. I am happy. However, there is something missing…
I went to Las Vegas to visit my mother. It had been a good month and a half or so since I had seen her last. I worked all day Sunday and flew out to Vegas that night. The flight there was almost 4 hours. Coming into Vegas at night was amazingly beautiful. Seeing the strip from the plane. All the lights. I was there. A city I had never seen before. An airport I had never walked through. A flight alone was also my first. I am a big boy. I was nervous to walk though the airport alone. I was nervous on waiting outside for my mom to pick me up. It was hot, but not humid. I’ll never forget sitting on a bench next to this little old black lady that had asked if I was waiting on someone to pick me up. I said yes; my mom. She wished me luck in the city of sin and got into this bently that arrived for her. Next my mom comes up the ramp in her new car, convertible top down, blasting rap. I couldn’t help but laugh. I expected all of this but only maybe a little Shania or Taylor Swift, not exactly Tupac. Ironic. Didn’t he die there? in Vegas?
We drove around the city. I got to see the strip. We went to a grocery store. They had slot machines in the grocery store. It was surreal. I enjoyed walking about the store with my mom and just spending time. We got back to her house and then shortly there after left for this casino not to far from her suburban home. We had an amazing $5 steak dinner. We chatted. We drank. I was so tired because by this time I was nearing the 24 hour awake point. We went home. The next day I spent all day working around the house with my mom. Her new home was yet to really be sorted and unpacked. We went out and got her a new TV. Got everything all set up. Rearranged the house. Unpacked. Cleaned. It was nice. Listened to the entire Framing Hanley “A Promise To Burn” CD, which she loved. I went out and got a pizza that night. Driving around the suburb of Las Vegas in a convertible at midnight with the top down was amazing. The music. The air. The heat. The lights. I did really enjoy all of that. That is another moment that I will never forget.
The next night we went down to the strip. I saw a lot of the casinos. I did not get to go into some of the ones I really wanted to, but there will always be a next time. I gambled a little bit. We had drinks. I smoked. We walked. We took photos. I shopped. It was great. Drove down the strip in her car. People looked at us. It felt nice.
What was the best part of Vegas? My mom. She kept apologizing for not doing so much around town, but she really did not understand how unimportant that was to me. I was focused on spending time with her. Be that just sitting on the couch, going to dinner, cleaning up her house, driving around, or doing something in Vegas. It did not matter. I had a lot of fun seeing what I saw. I had more fun just being around my mom.
The ride to the airport. The quietest car ride ever with my mom. I kept thinking in my head. I kept breathing hard. I fought back tears.
Coming home was bittersweet. I was so happy to be back in Nashville; home. I was so happy to see Eddie. I missed him so much. I was happy to see the house and be in it, but… all the happiness was a mask for the empty feeling I now felt.
Thursday I jumped right into work. Friday the same. Then Friday night with Amanda, Tyler, and Matty. All of which was amazing. I needed that time. I need those conversations. Those laughs. Saturday at work went by fast, but Saturday night was a bust. I was alone. I felt more alone that night than I had ever felt in a long time. I just sat on the couch and cried. The mask was gone and no one was there to tell me that it was all ok. That is when I realized that no matter what in life… you are alone. This was after the night before I had this conversation of how I never liked or felt alone, then.. I find myself more alone then ever. It forced me to see how it was for my mom. She’s so much like me in the alone. Being alone makes it hard to function and sleep. She told me that while I was there she had the best sleep in months. I tossed and turned all Saturday night. Today I woke up and went back to sleep. I just don’t care.
I see how my mom feels. She’s alone in Vegas. She’s in a new city. A new home. A new job. A new car. There is no old with the new. And she’s doing it all on her own. I think of her each and every day. I hope she knows how proud I am of her. How much I admire. How much I love. How much I worry.
God give me truth
In me
And tell me somebody is watching
Over me
And that is all I’m praying is that
I love you, mom.
xoxo. D.
Vegas.
In Vegas for a couple of days visiting my mom. I’ve never been here. She showed up to the airport in her brand new convertible. Top down. Rap music bumping. My mom is ridiculous. I love her for it. We drove around. Went shopping. Then I had the best $5 steak meal ever. ha!
It is weird coming to a house that is her home, but not “our” home. It’s beautiful and lovely….. but…
I just realized how much life has changed. When my head stops spinning around and around and I get some sleep; I’ll post again. Photos, videos, and written words about my time in Vegas is coming soon.
As these next few days go by I feel like my world is going to change, forever. Again.
Emotional Breakdown.
Allow me to set the scene for you. Walking around the apartment barefoot. The air is on. I’m carrying laundry to the washer. I’m putting things I need for the trip to Vegas on the table. I sit down at the desk for the first time in weeks, and bam. An emotional breakdown. Tears. What is bothering me? I have no idea. For the first time I am crying for no reason that I know of. I get up and knock on Eddie’s door to free my mind of these tears. He’s laying on his bed. I lay next to him. We talk. It was the instant calming effect I needed. I’m quieter than normal. I just need to feel comfort and security. We come into the dining room and as we sit and talk the tears come back. What is with me today? I feel like I am crying just to cry, but I really wish there was a reason why.
I talked with my mom. She’s amazing. I cannot wait to see her tomorrow night. I am about to fly alone for the first time. I’m about to go to Vegas for the first time. I’m about to see my mom’s new house for the first time. I have a lot going on in my head.
End scene.
//
The other day I had a horrible dreaming experience. One where I was on the plane to Vegas and it went down. I saw it happen. As it was going down it wasn’t me on the plane; it was my mother. I woke up very confused, upset, and afraid. Eddie was there for me. I wonder if he realizes how much he means to me - especially for those moments.
//
Work. It’s been so busy and crazy that I feel like these past two weeks have flown by. I’ve met a lot of new people. I am working different hours. I am experiencing new things. I am learning. I am growing. People are taking notice. I am really happy in this spot. I never want it to end. I hope I am doing as well as I feel like I am doing. I want my work recognized.
//
Weightless. I feel sexy. I feel weightless. I feel amazing. I feel comfortable. I feel all these things around you. I wonder if all of these feelings are good for me, and you. I wonder a lot of things. I know the line. Sometimes I wish there was no line. I guess I’m going to need something constant someday, someday soon. I’m learning. I’m realizing what I do need. I wonder if I find someone else if I will wonder if it should have been you. It could be you. I don’t want to complicate anything. My mind races. It never shuts down.
This summer is going to be the best summer of my life. That is truth.
xoxo,
D.
True.
Be true to yourself, always. I’ve always known this but rarely followed it.
Growing up I focused time and energy to my mannerisms. Focused on combating them. I knew I was loved at home, but in school I feared for myself daily. I feared that people would make more fun of me if I were gay. So many times I played an actor. I spent years doing this. I spent high school dressing a specific way. I tried to fit in. I tried to hide my weight. I told people what they wanted to hear, even if it was not me. I was not me. I look back and see how I waste so much time and energy being something I was not. I should have embraced me. I should have been myself. You live, you learn.
You have to stay true to yourself, your dreams, and your life. I am so proud of myself and the people around me. I watch people chase their dreams, achieve their goals, and live their lives to the fullest.
I watch people like Chris push for a dream in the arts. I am so proud of the things that he and the Framing Hanley guys have done. I am excited to see what this next album will do for them. I am excited to see the photos and hear the stories. I am excited for them to go overseas! I love when he is home for so many reasons and I know Krystl agrees. I love seeing her face lite up when his name is mentioned. I love seeing them together. I know she will face some lonely nights ahead, but I hope she stays true to her heart in knowing that he will come home.
I’m proud of Amanda for leaving something behind that she knew was not good for her, and driving full force ahead into a new adventure in something that she does like. I’m proud of her for taking chances and dreaming big. I want to be there for every step of the way and help in any way possible. She deserves the best - she is worth it. My mom did the same thing, and the times can be hard, but she always tells me how rewarding her decisions are. Even the scariest, most stressful ones. I hope Amanda looks back at these times and feels the same way. Nothing worth something comes easy.
I am in envy of Jarrod. He’s going to leave behind home and pursue his dream in New York City. That takes courage and determination. I wish him many successes and I hope we remain connected forever. I cannot wait to see how it all develops.
Truth. True - True feelings and emotions and self awareness came this year. More than ever this year has been my year. I haven’t won the lottery, I am not making 100,000 a year, but I have won in some many ways. I’m thankful. Thankful that I am me. Thankful that I am being true to myself. That I am being myself. That I am supported. That I am loved.
I owe so much of this year to my best friend, Eddie. I value our talks. I value our bond. I value him. We had this amazing 3 hour conversation last night. I cried. We laughed. I feel like we feed off of and equally contribute to each other in such a positive way. I’m so thankful for that. I could go on and on about our conversation last night here, but much of it would not make sense to anyone but us. I remember it all. It was our first significant talk since his return and it was much needed and over due. I love him.
At the end of this day I am realizing more than ever that I am now true to myself and my friends. I am proud of myself and everyone around me. I love that I am supported and supporting.
My advice to anyone reading: Let go and be true to yourself. It is the most rewarding feeling. Freedom. Love. Power. Live and dream. Dream to live. Just do it.
Don’t you worry, there’s still time.
Time. It goes by so quickly. Before you know it death is knocking at your door. What do you do with your time? What you do with it makes you who you are. Time is valuable. You have to find something that makes you happy. It is never too late to accomplish a dream or to set a goal. There are always set backs, but it’s how you move forward that shows who you are. You’re either in it to win it or set to fail it.
I plan on winning. There is still time.
Live in this moment now. Enjoy it. Soak it up. Be happy. These are things I tell myself each day and sometimes I forget it, so I need to write it down. I had this dream where I was alone in a cemetery. I was laying there. I was watching time go by. The clouds. The wind. The trees changing. I am not too sure what the dream really meant but I took it like this: Dustin. You’re standing still, you’re not changing. You’re not moving forward.
It’s like I was watching nothing happen but time. I think I hold back. When did I start holding back? Why did I start? I guess I am fearing the unknown. I am fearing rejection. I am fearing loss and heart break. I guess I will never continue to grow unless I put my foot forward and run. There is always that chance that I will be sad, cry, and heart broken… but there is also a great chance that I will be loved. That I will love. That life will bring me time with someone amazing. Even if it is for a few months. I should roll with the punches and enjoy the time. I shouldn’t fear the possibilities, I should embrace them. Fully. I am 100%. Right?
Time is a funny thing. All week I was sitting in my new position at work enjoying it. The change is exactly what I needed. I am shining. This fits me so well. I’m learning. I’m growing. Time went by so fast. Too fast? I’ve got Monday morning. Who knew I’d look forward to that? I car pooled with Eddie and I enjoyed it. Riding to and from work with your best friend is pretty great. He drove home each night and I appreciated that… just sitting there enjoying the windows being down and the music being loud and my best friend next to me. It was perfect.
On the flip side distance and time is heart wrenching. I am a week away from flying to Vegas. This time is moving so slow. I’ve gone days without seeing Jarrod. I guess that time is slow, too. Waiting for his return from his Birthday vacation. Can’t wait to meet up and give him a hug. Time moves slowly.
Time moves slowly when you want something bad. It feels like when you’re reaching for a dream or goal time moves slower than the turn of Earth. Then those moments where you are completely happy and content, those moments fly by.
Funny how time is.
"
Baby Boy.
He drifted in on a daydream…
So full of special charms.
A precious little baby boy…
to cuddle in your arms.
And every time he looks at you…
With eyes so wide and bright,
Your arms will be his haven…
and he your great delight.
- My mom.
