Someone Like You?

Hi y’all. Long time no write. Sorry. I guess it is time to open up my book and share a chapter with you. 

I often feel like my pages are not turning. Like I am not writing my life. I am trying to figure it all out. In this process of trying to figure it out I think I got it: I’m broken. Which may or may not make much sense at all to you. Do you ever feel like no one cares, even when you know that someone does - maybe even several people, but it just isn’t enough. That’s me. I feel like I’ve lost that other person that made me excited to rush home, to go to the gym, to cook with, to laugh at and with. 

I knew what this person meant to me, but clearly they had no idea how much I really cared. If they had known just how much then they would have never walked out of my life like the past year and a half did not exist. It’s hard loosing a friend. It’s even harder when they didn’t die. With death at least there is some closure. This situation - the fight, the awkwardness, the move, the stresses, the lack of communication, the beyond repairing what has been done, the pain of loss - is too much at times. 

I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost my way. In those moments came a long line of sad nights, more than usual drinks, a lonely head and heart, and far too many stresses. When I feel lost at this level I give up on things I love, even myself. So, how does one find themselves again? How do we take those happy inspirational moments and keep them afloat long enough to turn it into days, weeks, and months of progress? How do we fix the broken? 

I need answers. I need help. I am not jumping off the bridge; I don’t have enough excitement to do that. I need to find myself again. I need to wake up in the morning excited about the day for me. 

Tomorrow starts the first step. My goal is to wake up thinking “What can I do today to make me happy?” all while putting on my running shoes and going outside. It’s time to put this ipod to use and get physical. A friend of mine on the internet, Dan, posted on FaceBook that he needed a workout buddy and a gay shopper. He is going to check in with me tomorrow. I need that. I need someone to push me, to ask me, and to even shake me when I fall off the ‘running’ bandwagon. I wish he lived here; someone I know I’d really enjoy running with, talking to, and crying with. 

Part of my problem is that I do not have that. That someone that I’d share those goals and emotions with. It’s frustrating. It’s also keeping me from healing me. Right now there are two songs I hear every single day that really drive my emotions; “Everytime” by Britney Spears for the line “Everytime I try to fly without my wings I fall. I guess I needed you baby.” and “Someone Like You” by Adele for the entire song. I feel like I cannot fly without my wings, and my wings were you. 

Funny how my mind works. Sorry if this didn’t make sense. Not sorry, but. you know. I’ve had a super hard time just writing this out. So, I did. Just sat and wrote.

I hope getting this out helps me. Maybe fixes my broken. 

Moving on and up.

I’ve found myself at a loss for words a lot these days. At some point I shut down to you all, and even myself. I may have told my friends, family, and coworkers the facts of my recent life experiences, but I did not share my feelings or thoughts - not even to myself. Just now I had a rush of thoughts and feelings run through my veins like a crisp cold Diet Dr. Pepper. 

I am not even really sure where I feel like the first blow to my thoughts and feelings was the downfall and drama surrounding my ownership and running of the website FramingHanley.net. As most of you may know I sold this website last fall after a lack of appreciation, a lot of online bullying, and a shit ton of drama surrounding every aspect of my ownership of the website. To spare the drama and the details that have probably been heard - I will just share a few things and my thoughts and feelings. When I was young I spent a lot of my free time creating graphics, taking photos, and always supporting what has now become Framing Hanley. All of this was an outlet for my creativity and a lot of great memories with friends. At some point things changed between me and at least one of the band members. I still continued to support even through drama and the end of friendships. I did not do this to gain money or fame. I did this because I was great at what I did for the website and they had no real fan site to expose their music to their fans. It was my goal to reach fans and deliver what the fans wanted to them constantly. When specific things were posted some people got upset. Drama ensued and eventually I just could not support someone that was so blatantly spreading more hate than love and awareness. After my announcement my name was smeared and that hurt. It hurt because what was said was complete lies. My decision was spun to make this person look like a leader and me a liar. I will never forget or forgive that moment, those words, or this person. I’ve never felt like someone whom I once called a friend would ever just lie like that. What happened next was a lot of hate pouring out from the fans, and even some “friends” of mine - to me. It was my decision to block, delete, and forget those people. After all, they really had no idea. What upset and hurt me is that people that really had no idea were the first ones to play both sides of the situation. Sending me emails, direct messages, FaceBook messages, and Tweets telling me either horrible things or wonderful things - then turning around and smearing my name and work - my dedication and honesty - to the other person. It was then that I realized that I was just a tool to these people to be used to update a website, to help gain fans, to keep fans updated… and the fans just thought of me the same (not all of them, I think the ones that are free thinkers and not blind - were genuine. Thank you.) way - a tool to get what they wanted and closer to the band. Looking back I have no regrets. I learned a lot. I learned that those types of situations should have always been business, and never a mix with friends. Moving forward I will limit myself in my work for friends. I can now say that my only wish is that people really knew who they idolize. They probably never will - their loss. A fool is fooling so many, but thankfully not me.

A lot of feelings on my family have weighed my heart lately. I’ve never been that close to any of my relatives, but I recently realized why I never will be. I am shocked and disgusted with how my family treats other family members. I am shocked at how they are so driven by drama, that they cannot even see the importance surrounding events like death, love, and happiness. My great aunt’s passing helped me see who some of my family members really are. I cannot help but feel sad for them as I came back to my reality - came back to my family of friends, and sanity. I wish them all the best, but I have no desire to see some of them ever again. I think what makes me different from my other family members is that I face my problems, I think critically, I love fully, and I speak out on my emotions. So many people do not do that - so much so that they do not function. That’s been my problem as of late; locking up and shutting down without being true to who I am to myself. When I shut down I become one of them. Clueless. Unhappy. Frustrated. Well not anymore - after putting my emotions on the table in this blog I realize how important it is for me to do so. How I can carry on healthily towards my goals.

There are two more things weighing in on my mind now - one is work, and another is Eddie. The work one is pretty simple - I won’t discuss it here in great detail. All I know is that I feel under appreciated. I feel taken advantage of. I feel a loss of that drive that got me excited about going in to work. I am working on getting that back, slowly each day. I fear that the people that I work around might look at me as annoying because of my lack of being ‘there’… Hopefully I can show them I am here, there, and will be. I just need to put up, and shut up. Get down to work. Right? right!

Almost done - if you’re still reading, thank you. Your input, thoughts, feelings would be greatly appreciated through a message / email / tweet / direct message. :)

Onto my friendship with my best friend. It’s not there anymore. Physically we live together, but you’d never know that. He does his thing. I do mine. I’ve heard he posts obvious rants towards me on Facebook, but we’re not friends. I don’t care. It’s funny what can happen and change, and even the minor things blow up into big ordeals. It’s also funny how the most important person in your life can change and become the least important. That’s how I feel. At some point I lost my friend. Either he wasn’t being himself before, or he’s not being himself now. Either way, it’s different. I don’t know if I can even bring myself to tell him all of this - maybe he’ll read it. Maybe none of it will make sense. I just know in my heart that I did some things wrong and probably crazy, but when he stopped asking and listening he never gave a chance to understand my moments. I shut down and put up a wall too, because I saw the ugly that others could see but felt like it would never apply to me. There is probably too much dramatics involved. There are feelings and thoughts going unshared. I never know what the future brings, but I never regret the past. Each day I learn. Each day I grow. I just wish that Eddie would be apart of that. I feel like my chapter with him has been written and turning these pages I see a new chapter. His story stopped. 

Where does all of this put me? It puts me at ease. I am free of the website that caused a lot of pain. I have said goodbye to my aunt. I love my mother. I love my friends. I hate my job, but am willing to work towards loving it again. I am worried about my roommate situation (for a lot of reasons that have been unsaid here). I don’t know where I will be in a month, or two months… or in a year. I just know that where and what I will be is me. Myself. I will always be real, focused, and full of love.

My heart feels lighter and warmer.
My head feels clearer.
My soul feels renewed.

A quick and very meaningful thank you to my mother, my friends, my online family. Without your hugs, calls, texts, messages, tweets, likes - I’d have been lost and depressed.

xoxo,
Dusty. 

Day 05 – Your definition of love.

To me love is when no matter what your feelings for the person, animal, and sometimes topic, are not altered by anything.

No matter what my mother does; I will always love her.

If my best friend and I have a disagreement, or get on each others nerves; I still love them to pieces.

When my puppy shits on my favorite shirt that was laying in the floor; I still love that little poodle. 

Those are examples of what love means to me. To fall in-love, is a different topic in my mind. So many things come into factor. Things like love at first sight, infatuation, stalking, crushes, drama, etc. I also feel that the in-love can change and shape into true love. It has to for it to work. I also believe in a compassionate love where ones heart can reach out and accept anyone or anything. You may not understand it or agree with it, but you most certainly can show compassion. 

That’s my love.

The never ending search for love.

Aren’t we all searching for love? Real love.

I know I am. I never realized how much I find myself thinking and wondering about the possibilities for true love. I think to myself if I will ever find it. I wonder if it will happen now or later. In the gay world most gay men are superficial to the point of disgust. I know how amazing I am, because I am. I think to myself secretly how someone out there is meant for me. How will I find them? I wonder if someone will find me and accept me here in Tennessee? I wonder if I will have to leave the south and move to some where more accepting to find someone? I look around at how small this community is here and how everyone has dated someone’s ex. This city is so small sometimes. The possibilities are not endless, here.

I look at myself in the mirror and see everything wrong. I lay in bed and feel how I am everything right. Will someone look at me the way I look at them? I realize my loneliness is a direct result of the superficial gay world - weight. I realize that I would never find someone like me attractive. Too much hair, weight, and sometimes makeup. I won’t find someone till I find myself attractive - that’s it. It’s not a matter of self love, or self confidence, but truth of what this world is. I just want someone to look at me and make me feel special. Make me feel loved unconditionally. Make me see myself through their eyes.

I look around at all the love around me and wish someone was looking at my love with a smile on their face. I want what everyone else wants…

Love.

Colorful Inception.

Some say that you don’t dream in color. I know I didn’t. Life had no goal or plan till I met you. Maybe this is my late night thought process to you, and you’re asleep. Maybe I’m just filled with love and thanks and this is my way to express it, again.

I just saw inception. Great movie. Don’t really care to explain it to you, nor do I want to ruin it… but it is an amazing movie. Go see it. I feel like this movie shows how my mind works. I work on many layers. My mind is always moving, even when time is going by in slow motion. It’s amazing. That was a SN (side note) by the way.

Back on topic. See. My mind ran! ahh! 

Seriously. I remember a time when life was black and white and so were my dreams. Now I see a future so vivid in color I run for it. Life is amazing that way. How things happen for reasons that make no sense till chapters down the road. Eddie told me his master plan that involved me. I’m moved. He is simply amazing. That man is filled with love, understanding, and intelligence beyond words. No one will ever fully understand that, but me. A thank you is not nearly enough. Today I found myself wrapped up in my head and more than usual. I’m frustrated on many levels, but then I saw it clearly. Every sign on this road points in the right direction. I’m moving forward and never behind. No stops on this road. I’m excited.

When I look at all of you I look deep inside. I find meaning. I make connections. I wonder. I then try to extract the best in everyone. I care, too much. I’ve realized that sometimes not caring is the best policy. I need to work on that more, for myself. I found my first subject in this. One of many, I am sure. So. Moving forward I will not care about him anymore. I don’t care where he is, who he is with, or what he is doing. Why? Because I see that he never cared. I see this all in full color and it is filled with red. Before the black and white was hard to see through. Ha.

The movie is amazing. Eddie is very important. Work does not matter. I have a plan. I will execute this. My path is there, I just need to walk it. I miss and love my mother. I will find power in my prayer, tonight. I am done with him.

xoxo,
D. 

If I had you…

… I wouldn’t be feeling the feelings I feel in this moment.

I have a lot on my mind and heart, today especially. I really looked forward to this year as the year of change and in some many ways it has. I also looked to this year as the year of growth, and it continues to be that. I looked to this summer as the summer of love, but I’ve found that isn’t going to be the case.

I’m sitting here on the couch with “The Nanny” on Nick@Nite playing on the TV. It’s hot in the apartment. Apparently our air is not working. Is that just a blessing in disguise? Cutting down on the electric bill, for sure. My mind is running through all the thoughts and feelings I’ve experienced lately, and for the first time I can speak of them freely. Before tonight I felt like what I wanted to say could not be said out of respect for people I don’t even know. Now, being that it is all past tense, it does not matter. I realize now that I should always speak freely in my forum. This is my story. I can’t alter what I am for anyone. Here goes…

Dancing in a pool at three in the morning is a memory I cannot forget. It’s something I really want to forget, but can’t. I’m mad at myself. I want to push this memory out. This is me pushing it out. Setting it out there. Getting it out of my mind.

There comes a moment in your life where you meet the people that help shape you. Each person I know has a purpose in my life. I’ve realized what his was. I’ve talked mildly in tweets, facebook updates, and here about Jarrod. I never really expressed in public what he meant to me, or I to him. Although, we did express this to each other. When I met him my intentions were to figure him out. He interested me and I wanted to know what his intentions were. After talking with him I realized how much I really liked him. As time went on I realized where my feelings were going. I know what page he wanted to be on. I cannot control what life brings me, or him. I felt as if recently the pages were turning together. This book is closed, now, though.

I’ve never had someone look at me like that. His eyes filled with a soul so warm it could make you melt. Cheesy. I know, but seriously. We’ve spent many days and nights enjoying each other’s company. I knew his plan was to move far away, but I was ok with that. I was ready to support and push him. I realized this relationship had an expiration date. I knew once he went to leave it would hurt, but I knew I wouldn’t be hurt. Hurting and being hurt - two separate things. His life is complicated. The complications spilled into my life, but I welcomed it because he is worth it. I respect that at this point in time he had to evaluate a lot of himself and the relationships around him. I always value when someone is honest with me, even if it hurts. I always expect 100% from people because I am always 100% with them.

Now I sit here tears in eyes wondering how long this will last. When will I be ok again? I’m far from ok right now. 

I realize that I could continue a friendship with him. He welcomes it. I know that sitting on a couch next to him without my head on his shoulder would not feel right to me. I know dancing in the pool at three am would not be… us. So, I made the decision that a friendship is not possible. I would have to hold back, be fake, and not be 100% with him in a friendship. I can’t do that. Can you date someone, then be their friend? Or is there always a gray area? If you know you cannot move forward in a friendship with, or without, the gray area - is it completely ok to remove this person? Tonight I removed him. We had lunch together. We talked. I wanted to cry so bad, but I knew that wouldn’t do anything but make my eyes red and puffy. I hugged that last hug. 

Through this experience I’ve learned a love for many things. Things like Glee, and Buffy. Swimming late at night. Staring at someone just wondering what they think. Soft hands. Specific scents to specific people. I’ve also learned to open myself up for the possibilities of love, and clearly, the possibility for heart break. I’ve learned how social networking has changed the dynamics of a relationship. I’ve learned how changing your status on facebook is like the official statement these days. It makes me see how complicated life can be, when you’re social network popular. Once you date someone and break up, do you delete each other in life and from social networking websites? Is that just deemed dramatic? Or is it necessary. Then, you have all the mutual friendships. It’s so complicated. 

In the end I’m most upset that I walk away from this feeling not worth it. If I were worth it, all the complications wouldn’t matter. All the other feelings would be out weighed. This is me realizing that to him, in this moment, with these circumstances, he felt like I wasn’t worth it.

That’s what it all comes down to. 

Note that this is not about “oh, you’ll find someone” or the “he’s missing out!” and any other “oh, he sucks!” phrases or thoughts by you, or me. Simply put he is amazing. I just wish he saw that in me, too.

Move forward I shall. After all, and this is a broken record now, things happen for a reason.

If you’re sleeping next to someone special tonight. Hold them. Hug them. Then tell them exactly what they 100% mean to you, because there is not always a tomorrow. Live your life fully.

xoxo,
D. 

Don’t you worry, there’s still time.

Time. It goes by so quickly. Before you know it death is knocking at your door. What do you do with your time? What you do with it makes you who you are. Time is valuable. You have to find something that makes you happy. It is never too late to accomplish a dream or to set a goal. There are always set backs, but it’s how you move forward that shows who you are. You’re either in it to win it or set to fail it.

I plan on winning. There is still time. 

Live in this moment now. Enjoy it. Soak it up. Be happy. These are things I tell myself each day and sometimes I forget it, so I need to write it down. I had this dream where I was alone in a cemetery. I was laying there. I was watching time go by. The clouds. The wind. The trees changing. I am not too sure what the dream really meant but I took it like this: Dustin. You’re standing still, you’re not changing. You’re not moving forward. 

It’s like I was watching nothing happen but time. I think I hold back. When did I start holding back? Why did I start? I guess I am fearing the unknown. I am fearing rejection. I am fearing loss and heart break. I guess I will never continue to grow unless I put my foot forward and run. There is always that chance that I will be sad, cry, and heart broken… but there is also a great chance that I will be loved. That I will love. That life will bring me time with someone amazing. Even if it is for a few months. I should roll with the punches and enjoy the time. I shouldn’t fear the possibilities, I should embrace them. Fully. I am 100%. Right?

Time is a funny thing. All week I was sitting in my new position at work enjoying it. The change is exactly what I needed. I am shining. This fits me so well. I’m learning. I’m growing. Time went by so fast. Too fast? I’ve got Monday morning. Who knew I’d look forward to that? I car pooled with Eddie and I enjoyed it. Riding to and from work with your best friend is pretty great. He drove home each night and I appreciated that… just sitting there enjoying the windows being down and the music being loud and my best friend next to me. It was perfect.

On the flip side distance and time is heart wrenching. I am a week away from flying to Vegas. This time is moving so slow. I’ve gone days without seeing Jarrod. I guess that time is slow, too. Waiting for his return from his Birthday vacation. Can’t wait to meet up and give him a hug. Time moves slowly.

Time moves slowly when you want something bad. It feels like when you’re reaching for a dream or goal time moves slower than the turn of Earth. Then those moments where you are completely happy and content, those moments fly by.

Funny how time is. 

Can’t always get what you want.

Something I’ve learned. You can’t always get what you want, but thinking like that means that you will never get what you want or need. Sometimes you just have to reach out and grab what you want… sometimes that is what you need.

Relationships. Sex. Friendships. Work. It all works the same.

Follow me when I say you just have to try. Walk out on the plank……. and do it. Jump. Jump in head first, heart second, hands out, arms open… see what happens. If you don’t you’ll be full of regret. Sometimes the pain that comes with a chance is always worth what could have been or what could become. You just never know.

Appreciate those around you. Love fully. Laugh. Have fun. Open your heart, mind, body, and soul… the world around you can rock you. Sometimes I need to be rocked…

I wrote this while drunk off wine, window open, tv playing, candles lit, Jarrod sitting next to me. :) Tonight was a good night. Tonight was one of those ‘to write love on her arms’ - I did not write love on my warms but I extended love from my heart to some great friends. <3

Perfect.

Until next time,

xoxoxoxo. D.

Puzzle pieces.

My life is a giant puzzle. Several giant puzzles. I guess you could look at life like that - a giant puzzle. You piece it together one piece at a time. Then you start to see the big picture. 

Have you ever knocked the puzzle off the table and watched all the pieces you worked so hard to get together fall apart? I just did. At my job I work in this large office with tiny little half walled cubicles. They are high enough to hide your work space but low enough to see people around you. It’s lovely. In my current seat position I have about 5-10 people/desks behind me in a row, but I overlook many desks and rows. I also see a wall of windows from across these desks I can see. It’s great. I’m near the back door and I have a space of my own. Before January I had several team members that I fully enjoyed seeing on a daily basis. My department had different schedules. Then January happened. My department changed a little and some of my dear friends left this building. Our schedules changed and I saw less and less of the people I truly value. Then Eddie happened. Eddie and his team was moved into the desks near me. That’s how our friendship started because he sat two desks away. We face each other. Today started the moving of teams and departments and desks. New schedules, too. Now Eddie is on the opposite side of the building. I won’t get to cheer him up when he’s on some bullshit call, and I won’t be cheered up from his genuine smile. This truly does suck. In a week or two I will be moving to a new area, too. This new area is the ONLY area in this building that has no views of the windows, has poor lighting, and is often the ‘forgotten’ area. Hell, I forget it is there all the time. Now I will stare at a blank blue wall for 8 hours each day. The kicker is in that area there are not enough desks so I will not have my own desk… each day I come in I’ll sit at a new seat. I have no sense of pride in my space anymore. I have no sense of home in a place where I spend most of my days. I will have no concept of this summer - is it raining? sunny? is it even daylight still? No windows. 

I realize to some that read this it may appear like I am being some huge cry baby about these changes, but my puzzle was put together and it was so beautiful. Now it has fallen off the table and I think I lost some pieces…

Not everything in my life is a puzzle that has fallen apart. There is this other puzzle I’ve been working on and it is amazing. It is full of the color red. This puzzle is an amazing friendship. I feel comfortable. I am surprised at how many people that I hold near and dear to my heart look at me with nonjudgmental eyes. I love that so many people see me for me. At the same time so many don’t. People I thought knew me and I thought I knew them have been surprising me with their judgement, their jealousy, and their lies. I was talking to Eddie and we were chatting about some one special to me, and I was telling him how we cuddled. I said I felt amazing because it was so close. There was no space in between and I really enjoyed that. He said “Like a puzzle?” and that has completely inspired my thoughts tonight. It was. I found myself laying next to someone that made me completely comfortable. Someone that looks at me and sees me. Someone that I enjoy spending time with. Someone that is very amazing. Now, this sounds like a puzzle of love. Doesn’t it? It is in some rights, but I am not falling in love. I’ll be tweeting and blogging and talking about all these amazing thoughts and feelings and I may mention his name. Actually, I know I will… but anyway, this is a total loving friendship. I find that I have more and more of these. I’m investing in quality people that mean something special to me in their own ways. Gone are the friendships of convenience or friendships or association. 

I don’t work the same schedules as my friends. We all have different off days. I don’t live near ALL my best friends. All of that is ok. I know they are there. We work together to make time to enjoy each other and that makes the friendship puzzles that more amazing. I am blessed. I am happy. I’m just really fucking bummed out about work. I think I am bummed out about work because it is such a big chunk of my days. 

I need to stay focused on myself and my plans and goals. I need to look through the negative changes and see all of the positive. I will be working the same schedule as Jarrod (see - already mentioned his name!) and that means we might be able to do lunch more and more. I’ll have to schedule more time with Eddie to have me and him hang out time - making that more special, too. I guess I can hang up my 10-12 Britney Spears posters on that giant blank wall, and since I won’t know which desk I will be at… I can hang one in front of EACH desk. Why? Because I might be at that seat one day and if I can’t see the outside beauty I will see the Britney beauty.

Life is a puzzle. Work is a puzzle. Friendships are puzzles. Love is a giant puzzle. But the best puzzle of all is the cuddle puzzle… being in someones arms is the best nights sleep I’ve had.

xoxo,
D. 

Therapy is a good thing.

Maybe it is time to seek the professional advice of a therapist, or maybe I can continue with friends. They really do know me best, but it only helps if they are completely honest in a situation. Without their honesty I’m just getting rubbish.

Tonight a gate was lifted. One that I knew how to lift on my own, but really never wanted to. Now that the gate is up and open I feel vulnerable. I feel exposed. I feel many things. I don’t know if it is sadness. I had a very open and public conversation with Eddie, a new friend named Lee, and Chris. Chris is such a wise person. He says it is just him stating the unsaid, but it takes intelligence to do that and also to pick up on the unsaid. I appreciate a people watcher that watches, picks up, and then helps. I think Chris doesn’t realize how much some people value that. I think he is amazing. Thanks Mr. Crocker. ;)

The gate that was opened. What was said. The realization: I will always be Dustin. Eddie will always be Eddie. We’re amazing friends. We’re family. We however, won’t ever be anything more. I won’t wake up next to him and smile. I won’t have a future of endless romance and passion. I won’t feel a constant high. We’re not going down that path. I think I always knew that. He did. We’ve been honest, it has been said. He’s dating a really nice guy that he cares deeply for. I’m accept of it. Now it is time for me to move on.

Moving on is a hard thing to do. I am not sure how to really accomplish that. I really don’t want to accomplish it, but for the sake of my heart I have to. Realizing that is … something hard. Realizing it is something sad. I’m taking time off for me.

I might not write for a moment. I’m ok. I will be ok. We’ll be fine. I just need a moment. Please understand.

You can’t help who you love. You can’t turn off that. You can only accept it and move on. Moving on is a process.

Next chapter of the book. This last one was a long one. Hmmmm…

xoxo, D.

All. or. Nothing.

You can’t just linger in the middle with love. You either give/get it all, or nothing. No middle ground. Someone once told me that sex binds all of the passion, adventure, calls, texts, conversations, cuddling, time, energy… together. If you don’t want someone sexually then there will never ever be love.

Lingering in the middle can be an option; just not a good one. With that comes feelings like:

It makes you feel not worthy.

It makes you feel horrible.

It makes you feel played.

It makes you feel stupid.

It makes you feel unspecial.

So. Realizing all of that could lead to some major heart break. Some tears. 

Just some food for thought. Feed on it. Thoughts?

Eating your emotions and choking on mine.

They fill my mind, heart, and soul. Usually with amazing force. A force I wish I could control but I can’t. Basically that means that I cannot control my emotions. They are like a roller coaster. Sometimes I feel crazy. I wonder if this is what drove Britney to shave her head. I wonder if I could have survived her life. Those pressures.

I wonder what life has in store for me. I sit here running through so many things and I do it alone. If I share them with people I feel like they judge me. If I continue to pour them onto just one person that has never judged me then that person will grow old of my roller coaster.

I am and will always at the end of the day be alone. I wake up alone. I shower alone. I drove around alone. I eat alone daily. I drove home alone. I go to sleep alone. I am surrounded by people, but some of the things that should be filled with conversation, cuddling, sex, excitement… they are all done, alone.

When I was younger I was alone a lot. My mother was a single mom trying to keep our rent paid and lights on. I was an only child. I was poor and fat. I didn’t have friends. I played alone. I cooked for myself. I got into computers and games because that is all I had. Then came TV and music. I do not blame my mother at all because when she was there she was there full force. In my high school years I was surrounded by friends all the time. I loved that. I miss it. 

So I feel super emotional lately and I have no where to turn. So I turn to this blog. Maybe through writing here it reaches someone else so they don’t feel so alone. So they see that others are out there going through emotions. Not always bad ones, not always amazing ones. This year has been amazing. I love every moment of it. Today I didn’t feel myself. Yesterday I felt even less like me. 

My new apartment is beautiful. It is lacking some things that still need to happen, but in time those things will fall into place. I still need to paint my room. I need to hang some photos. But the most important thing that this place is missing is the adventure. I am in a routine. Wake up, shower, work, lunch, work, come home, face book, twitter, tan, work out, shower, bed. Daily. repeat. I’ve gone here and there. Shopped. Walmart. But I miss the slumber parties, the trips to the ghetto at night, driving home at sunrise. iHop. The texting. The random chats. The complete comfortableness and happiness. 

I never thought I would say that I miss my mothers house, but I do. I miss the room I was in. I miss the house in general. I love my new place, and I thought it was just because I’d only been here a week or two, but… maybe it isn’t that. My mind is racing with so many topics. I’ve been holding back. I am not even sure if people read these. I talk on twitter and feel like there is no response. I feel like there is no communication. 

This blog entry is all over the place. I apologize. My mind is working like that right now. Up and down, over, and around… upside down. left. right. Just like a roller coaster. I am tired. I feel my eyes becoming really heavy. Before I click “create post” and call it a night I wanted to say…

I haven’t been able to weigh myself, but I feel like I gained a pound or two recently. It’s not always about the number really, but I feel inches larger. I haven’t eaten the way I was this week and that is it. I have to get back onto my path. I need to find the passion deep inside and keep going. Not that I really need to, but I really want to. I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be healthy and thin. I am a confident person on the shell, but deep down inside I am horrified by me. I love myself for me, but hate myself for my body. No one wants me and maybe that is because I don’t want me, but ultimately it comes down to weight. 

Things I never thought I’d share here. I feel better saying it. Maybe I won’t talk about these things to anyone other than you all. Whoever you all is. We all have those moments and days where we feel like shit. It’s been a couple of days, maybe a week, since I felt not like shit. I need to walk my walk. I need to keep going. 

The funny thing is one day when my outside matches my inside and I start getting the attention that I deserve… I’ll be getting attention from people that never would have given it before. There will be games. Fake. I will be apart of everything that I hate about relationships, love, sex, and body image. I fear that. I think that is why I haven’t worked so hard to become what I was meant to be. Because I want no part of that. I remember how amazing my mother felt when she lost all of her weight, but then I remember her telling me how ironic it was that people started paying attention to her just because she was thin. I want that so bad, yet… I don’t.

If you can’t see me now then do not be surprised if I won’t see you later.

I guess I just wish I had someone to lay next to and be with. I wish I had someone that looked at me the way I looked at them. I wish I had someone that accepted me for me now and later. I wish I had my mother a mile away instead of a thousand. I wish I wasn’t alone. Empty hearted.

I wish a lot. I dream even more. How many dreams have you made a reality? 

"No one ever gets tired of loving… but everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming, hearing promises, saying sorry, and all the hurting."

- Unknown

Love, love, love, love.

I’ve read and heard that there are four types of love. Parental (security), Friendship, Romantic, and Unconditional. I’ve been thinking about these different types of love lately and I’ve been placing the people in my life into their respective categories.

Today I wanted to write about it not only because it is Valentine’s Day (Happy Hearts Day, by the way) but maybe to get it out of my head?

Parental or security love. This love is all about the security, safety, and protective love that a parent has for their child. The same could apply for a child to their parent or even another family member. Family love we could call it. Recently I found myself being more open and honest with my mother. She is my only real family in my life. She has been there always. That one constant person in my life. I wondered how she’d be with my honest and open approach. We had a very long and good phone conversation about me when she was in Vegas. She’s moved recently if you haven’t been reading up on my life. I thought it was all ok. I felt safe. I felt that security. That all disappeared last night when real feelings were shared in person. I know my mother loves me. I know so many people face a parent that is never there, not supportive in any way, or even sometimes disowns them. I am facing a very “I love you and always will. I want you to be happy”.… followed with a big “but”…. “I didn’t want this life for you. I prayed it wasn’t true. I want grandkids. I’m worried. It is too much to handle right now.”… I’m left hurt. Speechless. Confused. Scared. I feel like I have the security love of my mother, but not the acceptance. I feel like she worries far too much what other people think of me. I think she is ashamed. I have never felt ashamed of who I was based on who I loved. Love is love. I cannot control who I fall in love with.

Friendship Love. I have a lot of amazing friends. I have friends online and offline. I have people who care. I know all of this, but I did realize that a couple of those “best” friends have over the years grown away from me. That happens with life. I know this to be fact, but at the very same time I also know that it is because of me. My love. I’ve always been this way. I cannot change it. I realized that one person in particular in my friend circle has an issue with it. Cannot get passed it. Says he is ok. That he loves me for me, but I feel that awkward distance. It hurts. In high school my friends were my support system. They may not have known that or known the details of me. They had my back. They stood up for me when needed. They cared. I would have never made it through that small town high school environment if they were not in my life. I don’t know if I ever really thanked them. If they ever really knew. I lived my life for them because I felt like if I didn’t that they would leave me. My support system would crash and burn. I wonder looking back how many people felt this way and why it wasn’t communicated. Why was there no outlet for me. Why did I feel so alone. I was so very unhappy. Friendship love is one of the most important loves you’ll ever have in all of your life. Without it you may not even be able to survive. I wouldn’t have. I know I would have faded into some horrible statistic.

Romantic Love. That love of lust. That romancing. That flirt. The fun. The crazy. The laughs. The sighs. The looks. The hugs. The touch. The heart shake. The … everything that makes it… fun, passionate… romantic. In the end, the heart break. I’ve only felt this two or three times. Probably more like two. The feelings are amazing and horrible all in the same. Your stomach hurts. You think about it a lot. It consumes you. Sometimes it leads to young teenage mothers. A crush. Lust. I think you all know these thoughts and feelings. Everyone has felt them at least once in their life.

Unconditional Love. When you don’t end up in romantic love heart break you might be lucky enough to make it to a feeling of true unconditional love. This is the sincere love. The one that could last forever. The one that you want to last forever. The one that makes you smile for days straight. The one that makes the world a better place each morning. The one that makes you motivated. Inspired. The one that pushes song writers and non writers alike; writing those amazing classic love stories and songs that pump through your veins during your moments of love. I’ve felt this once. It is amazing. I have no idea what it turns into if it doesn’t work. I might be able to tell you sometime but right now I have no idea. This love is comfortable. It is natural. This kind of love comes when you have found the person you are destined to be with. Nothing can destroy unconditional love. It is like when you have an argument or disagree about something with that person and you realize that it doesn’t bother you because the love you have for them overcomes everything. I hope you experience this love. That this love never leaves your heart.

Love. I’ve been so passionate with my loves. Sometimes it comes back to hurt or sting, but that is apart of your love story. I’ve cried a lot in the last three days. I find myself worried about others and being so consumed in worry brings me to tears. I think it is healthy. The hurtful words from someone that provides security love even if they don’t mean for it to come off as hurtful makes me cry, too. Thinking about it all on the day in which you are suppose to spend with someone that you love brought me to tears. At my desk. At work. I feel super lame. I am ready for change. I need to feel amazing and powerful again. I need to feel that purpose again. I need to feel loved by those people that I hold nearest to my heart.

What is love to you? How many types of love do you feel there are?

Put it on a shelf with a label on it.

People want to put you on a shelf for display with their label for you on your jar. Usually they want to write on your label in bright red. Your jar is on that eye level shelf. That label is facing out. They smile. The lock you into some type, something… but what if you are not what they think. Don’t worry they already made up their mind and that label is there to stay.

The same goes for relationships. Is it always 100% necessary to label the status of your relationship for others? Dating? Friends? Best Friends? More than friends? Married? Single? Divorced? Widowed? Friends with benefits? Talking? What if my situation does not fit these labels? Does it make it wrong? Does it mean it is going to fail? What is it? What do you tell people when they ask ‘what is going on with..’?

The easiest solution is to say best friends. “That’s my best friend!”

Why? Because you can unconditionally love your best friend. Your best friend is in your family. You adore your best friend. You want to spend time with your best friend. You want to surprise and capture your best friends heart forever.

So. I’m in this very complicated, understanding, truthful, caring, compassionate, flirtatious, friendship; best friendship. The lines of communication are wide open. The lines are shaded gray and very blurry. We’re just going to run with it. Whatever happens, happens. No labels.

I am truly the happiest I have ever been. I am growing up because of this. My life is changing quickly in front of my eyes. My best friend and I share this close bond that I have with no one else in this world. That is an amazing feeling.

So the question then is. What do you think about labels for people, relationships, etc?