The never ending search for love.

Aren’t we all searching for love? Real love.

I know I am. I never realized how much I find myself thinking and wondering about the possibilities for true love. I think to myself if I will ever find it. I wonder if it will happen now or later. In the gay world most gay men are superficial to the point of disgust. I know how amazing I am, because I am. I think to myself secretly how someone out there is meant for me. How will I find them? I wonder if someone will find me and accept me here in Tennessee? I wonder if I will have to leave the south and move to some where more accepting to find someone? I look around at how small this community is here and how everyone has dated someone’s ex. This city is so small sometimes. The possibilities are not endless, here.

I look at myself in the mirror and see everything wrong. I lay in bed and feel how I am everything right. Will someone look at me the way I look at them? I realize my loneliness is a direct result of the superficial gay world - weight. I realize that I would never find someone like me attractive. Too much hair, weight, and sometimes makeup. I won’t find someone till I find myself attractive - that’s it. It’s not a matter of self love, or self confidence, but truth of what this world is. I just want someone to look at me and make me feel special. Make me feel loved unconditionally. Make me see myself through their eyes.

I look around at all the love around me and wish someone was looking at my love with a smile on their face. I want what everyone else wants…

Love.