Work, friends, and summer.

I don’t really talk about work in my writings, but all I have done lately is work. So all I can write about is working. Here goes:

I am fully enjoying the changes around me at work. I am seeing teammates push themselves. I am watching people grow and move into new positions. I am sad to see some people go. It’s funny how much work becomes a second home. I’ve been working a lot of over time lately because the business needed it. I’m proud of the people I am assisting. It’s all a little over whelming, but manageable. I am looking at myself in a mirror and I like what I see. I’ve grown up. I’m looked to for guidance and I am given respect. That’s nice. I hope everyone I know is growing and learning in their current positions and striving to get to that next level.

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Colorful Inception.

Some say that you don’t dream in color. I know I didn’t. Life had no goal or plan till I met you. Maybe this is my late night thought process to you, and you’re asleep. Maybe I’m just filled with love and thanks and this is my way to express it, again.

I just saw inception. Great movie. Don’t really care to explain it to you, nor do I want to ruin it… but it is an amazing movie. Go see it. I feel like this movie shows how my mind works. I work on many layers. My mind is always moving, even when time is going by in slow motion. It’s amazing. That was a SN (side note) by the way.

Back on topic. See. My mind ran! ahh! 

Seriously. I remember a time when life was black and white and so were my dreams. Now I see a future so vivid in color I run for it. Life is amazing that way. How things happen for reasons that make no sense till chapters down the road. Eddie told me his master plan that involved me. I’m moved. He is simply amazing. That man is filled with love, understanding, and intelligence beyond words. No one will ever fully understand that, but me. A thank you is not nearly enough. Today I found myself wrapped up in my head and more than usual. I’m frustrated on many levels, but then I saw it clearly. Every sign on this road points in the right direction. I’m moving forward and never behind. No stops on this road. I’m excited.

When I look at all of you I look deep inside. I find meaning. I make connections. I wonder. I then try to extract the best in everyone. I care, too much. I’ve realized that sometimes not caring is the best policy. I need to work on that more, for myself. I found my first subject in this. One of many, I am sure. So. Moving forward I will not care about him anymore. I don’t care where he is, who he is with, or what he is doing. Why? Because I see that he never cared. I see this all in full color and it is filled with red. Before the black and white was hard to see through. Ha.

The movie is amazing. Eddie is very important. Work does not matter. I have a plan. I will execute this. My path is there, I just need to walk it. I miss and love my mother. I will find power in my prayer, tonight. I am done with him.

xoxo,
D. 

If I had you…

… I wouldn’t be feeling the feelings I feel in this moment.

I have a lot on my mind and heart, today especially. I really looked forward to this year as the year of change and in some many ways it has. I also looked to this year as the year of growth, and it continues to be that. I looked to this summer as the summer of love, but I’ve found that isn’t going to be the case.

I’m sitting here on the couch with “The Nanny” on Nick@Nite playing on the TV. It’s hot in the apartment. Apparently our air is not working. Is that just a blessing in disguise? Cutting down on the electric bill, for sure. My mind is running through all the thoughts and feelings I’ve experienced lately, and for the first time I can speak of them freely. Before tonight I felt like what I wanted to say could not be said out of respect for people I don’t even know. Now, being that it is all past tense, it does not matter. I realize now that I should always speak freely in my forum. This is my story. I can’t alter what I am for anyone. Here goes…

Dancing in a pool at three in the morning is a memory I cannot forget. It’s something I really want to forget, but can’t. I’m mad at myself. I want to push this memory out. This is me pushing it out. Setting it out there. Getting it out of my mind.

There comes a moment in your life where you meet the people that help shape you. Each person I know has a purpose in my life. I’ve realized what his was. I’ve talked mildly in tweets, facebook updates, and here about Jarrod. I never really expressed in public what he meant to me, or I to him. Although, we did express this to each other. When I met him my intentions were to figure him out. He interested me and I wanted to know what his intentions were. After talking with him I realized how much I really liked him. As time went on I realized where my feelings were going. I know what page he wanted to be on. I cannot control what life brings me, or him. I felt as if recently the pages were turning together. This book is closed, now, though.

I’ve never had someone look at me like that. His eyes filled with a soul so warm it could make you melt. Cheesy. I know, but seriously. We’ve spent many days and nights enjoying each other’s company. I knew his plan was to move far away, but I was ok with that. I was ready to support and push him. I realized this relationship had an expiration date. I knew once he went to leave it would hurt, but I knew I wouldn’t be hurt. Hurting and being hurt - two separate things. His life is complicated. The complications spilled into my life, but I welcomed it because he is worth it. I respect that at this point in time he had to evaluate a lot of himself and the relationships around him. I always value when someone is honest with me, even if it hurts. I always expect 100% from people because I am always 100% with them.

Now I sit here tears in eyes wondering how long this will last. When will I be ok again? I’m far from ok right now. 

I realize that I could continue a friendship with him. He welcomes it. I know that sitting on a couch next to him without my head on his shoulder would not feel right to me. I know dancing in the pool at three am would not be… us. So, I made the decision that a friendship is not possible. I would have to hold back, be fake, and not be 100% with him in a friendship. I can’t do that. Can you date someone, then be their friend? Or is there always a gray area? If you know you cannot move forward in a friendship with, or without, the gray area - is it completely ok to remove this person? Tonight I removed him. We had lunch together. We talked. I wanted to cry so bad, but I knew that wouldn’t do anything but make my eyes red and puffy. I hugged that last hug. 

Through this experience I’ve learned a love for many things. Things like Glee, and Buffy. Swimming late at night. Staring at someone just wondering what they think. Soft hands. Specific scents to specific people. I’ve also learned to open myself up for the possibilities of love, and clearly, the possibility for heart break. I’ve learned how social networking has changed the dynamics of a relationship. I’ve learned how changing your status on facebook is like the official statement these days. It makes me see how complicated life can be, when you’re social network popular. Once you date someone and break up, do you delete each other in life and from social networking websites? Is that just deemed dramatic? Or is it necessary. Then, you have all the mutual friendships. It’s so complicated. 

In the end I’m most upset that I walk away from this feeling not worth it. If I were worth it, all the complications wouldn’t matter. All the other feelings would be out weighed. This is me realizing that to him, in this moment, with these circumstances, he felt like I wasn’t worth it.

That’s what it all comes down to. 

Note that this is not about “oh, you’ll find someone” or the “he’s missing out!” and any other “oh, he sucks!” phrases or thoughts by you, or me. Simply put he is amazing. I just wish he saw that in me, too.

Move forward I shall. After all, and this is a broken record now, things happen for a reason.

If you’re sleeping next to someone special tonight. Hold them. Hug them. Then tell them exactly what they 100% mean to you, because there is not always a tomorrow. Live your life fully.

xoxo,
D. 

My emotions this week have been under water.

It feels like it has been a month since I last wrote to you all. So much has happened so much is happening. I feel like I missed the opportunities to write my feelings out as they happened so now they will all be poured into these next few paragraphs like I would pour my cereal into the big white bowl with ‘slurp’ on it.

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately with myself. In some aspects I really realized that I do need my own time, but in other aspects I really realized how much I value my time with the people I love. I realize how much I miss my mother. Eddie left Nashville one week ago and it feels like it has been a month. This is the first time since meeting him that we haven’t seen each other on a daily. It’s weird not seeing your best friend for a week. He’s with his mom and sisters. He got to see his nephews. He’s doing good. I got a tour tonight via Skype of his mom’s house. Got to meet her. She speaks primarily Spanish so I tried to keep my English slow and proper so she’d better understand me. I think we did good! She’s so pretty. So sweet. I told her to teach Eddie something amazing to cook! I love mexican food! mmmmmm!! Seeing the way she looked at him reminds me of how my mom looks at me. I miss that! 

Speaking of mothers. It’s Mother’s Day this Sunday. I’m doing a lil’ video project. I guess it will basically be me reading a letter that I am writing to my mother. I will cry. I’ll share stories. A photo or two. I basically want my mother to know how much I value, appreciate, respect, and adore her. She’s in LasVegas so I cannot just hop in the car and drive on over. I wish more than anything that I could. I really do. It is hard living that far away from someone you love so much. I do not think that I could ever live in Vegas, but maybe I could live near it. I worry about my mother. I worry that she’s out there but with no family. My step dad is out there and has been for a while now, but now he’s going to start his job and he’s going to be gone for a full month. My mom cried about that on the phone with me. My heart broke. It is like when she smiles her entire heart smiles, but when she’s sad her entire heart breaks. I don’t deal well with that. I do while I am on the phone. I tell her it is ok. I change the subject. I try to make her laugh…. but it comes back around to her deep sadness in her voice. Her not wanting to be alone without him and alone without me. I always wanted the day where I moved out onto my own. Where I had my own place and felt proud. I have that now and I do. I love living with Eddie. I love what we have here. It’s worked out amazingly. It looks amazing. We’re having fun. It’s great. The thing I wanted most in all of this was my mom. I wanted her to come over for dinners. Maybe come watch a movie. Drink some wine. Have some laughs. I really wanted to be like “oh, I’m going to my moms for dinner. Wanna come?” to Eddie… but that will never, ever happen. I will never get to just hop in the car and drive over to my moms. That’s what I’ve realized recently. Eddie has opened up completely to his mother about being gay. I’m so proud of him, and proud of her. She has her arms opened wide to her son with complete acceptance and love. That woman is amazing. I hear his happiness with his family in his voice. He has a feeling of family which is something I think he hasn’t felt… in a long time, or ever. Now I see him being home sick and wanting to come home (I miss him, so much), but once he is here I see him really missing his mother too. Their bond is strong. I wonder if he will feel some of the things I feel about missing my mom. Is this how everyone feels about missing their moms? I worry that too much time will go by and the time will grow longer between visits of me with my mom… so much time… that it will feel like I’ve lived my life without her. I cannot fathom that thought and it makes me sad.

As I type these feelings and thoughts down for you all to read through… I cannot help but feel extremely guilty. So many people has lost their parents. So many people can only recall memories or look at old photos. I can still call my mom. I am lucky. I am blessed. Thank you.

This week has not only made me just miss my best friend and also my mother, but these storms that hit Nashville have turned my world into a crazy world. Eddie leaves on a Friday and Sunday we flood. Friday night Jarrod came over to hang out and spend the night after we saw “A Nightmare on Elm St.” (which was great by the way). I could not be more thankful for Jarrod. He’s there to smack me around when I need it most. He’s also there to lift up my spirits when I need it most, too. On Saturday I was alone. The power went out. The rain hit hard. I left the apartment and went to Amanda and Wes’ because I just did not feel at home when alone. I guess I am a big chicken. Then Sunday I go to work and the rain just would not stop. It kept going and going. Breaks and lunches went. They decided to close my work and asked us to leave the area. The Opryland Hotel was evacuated. The waters were rising. What the hell was going on? It was like a movie. The confusion. The rumors. The lack of real-time news. Twitter kept me up-to-date, thank god. The photos, the updates, the news, the websites, the phone calls… it all started to add up and make sense. Nashville was under water. I was scared. I was alone. My mom was worried. Eddie was worried. I felt like I was being pulled in a million directions. I just wanted a hug. I am ok. My car is ok. Our apartment is ok. What is not ok is that so many people lost their lives. So many people lost their homes. So many people are without a job now. This city is amazing and it will be rebuilt. It is so amazing that so many people care for their neighbors. It warms the heart. I was and still somewhat am in some form of shock from all of this. I really did not expect this from some rain! Walking to the end of our parking lot and seeing the main entrance to my work under water was scary. The gas station that I go into nearly daily outside of my work was under water. Today I drove by because finally, 4 days later, the water had gone down enough to reopen part of the street. It was so surreal to see those people that are always in that gas station outside cleaning and taking merchandise out of their store and throwing it away. They just remodeled the outside of that station. It is the things like that. The fact that the mall is still under water. That Opryland Hotel had 12 feet of water. That it will be closed for months to be fixed. The videos, the photos… the stories. I am truly thankful and blessed that I am ok, and that everyone I know is ok.

If you would like to give any type of donation to the Nashville Flood Relief please call 1-888-540-5200. You can also click on the main banner on http://www.1075theriver.com ‘s homepage to donate online. If you are in the Nashville area please check out http://www.hon.org and learn about how you can volunteer to help!

The apartment is dead silent. All I hear is my typing. I really miss Eddie. I realize how much he means to my daily life. :)

I’m in this really amazing place in my head right now. This place where my confidence is super high. I feel like I own the world right now. I told Jarrod that I owed him. He yelled at me via text and said I owed him shit and that he was just being him. He just doesn’t realized that he’s that cool. He’s amazing. He doesn’t realize that because he treats me the way he does and because he doesn’t look with those eyes the way most people do. He doesn’t realize a lot of things. Maybe he does. Maybe I don’t realize that he realizes these things. Whoa. It’s the touch - so soft and so right. He’s made me feel beautiful. We’re not dating. It’s not like that, even though I probably painted some picture that lead you to think that… but he is amazing. I hope that is something he realizes.

Amanda said I needed more gay men in my life. I needed that bond. She was right. I need my Eddie and Jarrod. Two of my best friends are now gay men. My best friend circle is closing in smaller and smaller, but it’s got an amazing mix of people that complete me. I am so thankful for that. I am becoming the person I need to because of them. I am learning so much in so many ways. When Amanda told me that I needed that; more gay men in my life…. I laughed. I really did. I also thought in my head - NO! Why? Because I really am not your typical gay man. I can tolerate some techno, but usually only if it’s Eddie (watching his face light up when he is hearing the music makes me smile). I don’t say a lot of these things: “oh my god he is fucking hot. Look at his ass! woo woo!” … that’s just not me, never has been. Now that I have that with my friends I realize that it is apart of me and that world. I do need that. I enjoy sitting on my couch watching Glee with Jarrod and cuddling. That’s something I cannot do with Wesley (lol) for various reasons…. and it is something I share with Jarrod, which makes my friendship with him special. I enjoy gay chit chat with Eddie. I never knew I needed that till I had it. It’s kind of like you can live without a DVR, but once you have one you can never live without it! I’ve just had a lot of realizations lately.

I miss my buddy, I love my mother, I’m thinking of all the people in Nashville, and I promise to write more soon…….

xoxo,
D. 

f-r-i-e-n-d-s

I am not sure what I really want to say here other than thank you. Thank you to those of you who read my blog. Thank you to those of you who reply to my Twitter posts. Thank you for the comments on my Facebook photos. Thank you for being you and being with me on this journey. 

Tonight I went to Krystl and Chris’ - she made some damn good lasagna. We had drinks. Two bottles of wine and vodka and pineapples, gone. We sat on the deck in the rose garden and talked. Amanda and Wes were there too. The only people missing were Jarrod and Eddie. I would have been in happiness overload if we were all together. We laughed. We smoked. We looked through my old year books at photos of people that were in the band, are in the band, of us, of old flings, of random people we forgot about. It was good. It was an absolutely perfect evening. Then Wes and I went to walmart. I needed some stuff to sew this hair clips to my weave tracks. Totally rocking extensions, soon. haha.

I am now sitting on my beautiful white leather couch, which is not that comfy, but it’s not fully broken in yet. I’m watching the Proposal (starz HD).. and this movie is so cute….

I am thinking about my friendships. All the various different kinds of friendships that I have. Best friends, friends, work friends, internet friends, best friends with benefits, old friends, the possibility of new friends, and friends of friends. I realize that my friend circles have changed. How my best friend circle is smaller, very much so… and how that is a positive change. How my work friends circle has grown. How much I miss so many of my internet friends. How much I really like some of my friends friends. And thinking about how exciting it is to make new friends. I think about how thankful I am to have such amazing people in my life.

I think about my friends that will someday be walking down the wedding road. I think about those plans. The talks. The excitements. The tears. The smiles. The photos. The adventures. That excites me to see so many of my friends so happy with their loved ones.

I think about Eddie and how he is going to go ‘back home’ for two weeks. How will I live without seeing Eddie for two weeks? He is my best friend. I need his smile to get through a cloudy day. A hug to make it all better. Two weeks is a long time but I know it will go fast. He is going home to tell his parents that he’s gay. I am proud of him for making these steps. He’s growing in so many ways. I am proud of my best friend. I think about how Eddie will be on this adventure. I think about how he will miss home and I cannot wait for his safe return already. I know he is going to miss his boo, Andrew, too. I wonder how people leave their loves for any extended period of time. I wonder how my mom kept her heart and mind sane without my step dad while she lived in Vegas by her self for a couple months. I wonder how Krystl deals with Chris going on the road. I am not sure I could do it. I miss my mother terribly. 

I’m thinking a lot about Jarrod. I’m thinking about how amazing he is. How much I will learn and grow from him and his place in my life and heart. I wonder if he see’s how much I truly value him. I wonder so many things about him but find that they aren’t as important as spending as much time as possible before he moves to New York City. I am excited to hear about his adventures in NYC. I am excited to visit NYC for the first time and get to do it with friends, and to see him. He’s not gone yet, and it isn’t the end of summer, but when he goes I know I will cry. We have so much fun together and that level of comfort is amazing. He is one of those people in my life that look at me with no ounce of judgement in their eyes. He’s someone that sees me for me. That means so much to me. He’ll never know just how much. I’m so thankful for the exposure to GLEE and BUFFY that he has given me.

One of the most important friendships that I am missing right now is my mother. She is such an amazing woman. I miss her dearly and with Mother’s Day coming up I feel the need to do something completely extra special. I need to find a way to communicate to her how much I love her. I need to give her a virtual hug. I think it will involve a video and a photo or two. You never know how much you miss someone until they are not there to see, hold, hug, laugh with… on a daily. With the time difference and our busy schedules we don’t get to talk as often as I would like.

It strikes me hard that I’ve been in this apartment for two months now. Time is flying. Before I know it my mom will be here for a visit. Eddie will be back telling me all about his ‘coming out’ story. Jarrod will be packing for NYC. … there will be so many events. So many things that will happen this summer, and year. So many of them will happen fast. So many of them will sneak up on me and before you know it… it will be said and done. I look forward to all of that, but I want to make sure I take the time to reflect here, and on Facebook, Twitter, and  YouTube.

This is a super long blog entry and if you made it to this point - Thank you. The lesson learned here is amazing friends. When you find them, hold onto them. Tell them you love them and always cherish the moments. Make moments. Make time. Call people. Tell them. 

Until next time,

xoxox,
D. 

Can’t always get what you want.

Something I’ve learned. You can’t always get what you want, but thinking like that means that you will never get what you want or need. Sometimes you just have to reach out and grab what you want… sometimes that is what you need.

Relationships. Sex. Friendships. Work. It all works the same.

Follow me when I say you just have to try. Walk out on the plank……. and do it. Jump. Jump in head first, heart second, hands out, arms open… see what happens. If you don’t you’ll be full of regret. Sometimes the pain that comes with a chance is always worth what could have been or what could become. You just never know.

Appreciate those around you. Love fully. Laugh. Have fun. Open your heart, mind, body, and soul… the world around you can rock you. Sometimes I need to be rocked…

I wrote this while drunk off wine, window open, tv playing, candles lit, Jarrod sitting next to me. :) Tonight was a good night. Tonight was one of those ‘to write love on her arms’ - I did not write love on my warms but I extended love from my heart to some great friends. <3

Perfect.

Until next time,

xoxoxoxo. D.