We are all Fireworks.

Everything is bursting at the seems these days. Both good and bad. It’s only ironic that during all the recent bullying that Katy Perry releases a song entitled “Fireworks” from her newest CD as a single. I loved this song when I got the CD a couple months ago and I am so excited that this was a single. It’s one of those “pop perfections”, like “Toxic” by Britney is. This song has simple, yet powerful lyrics. This song has an amazing beat for clubs. This song is beautifully sang by Ms. Perry. 

This song has inspired me, along with it’s video. The video is everything I pictured. When I saw the video I cried. So in these moments of bullying, anti-gay, pro gay, war, economy, teen suicide…. in all of those moments… this song tells a story of what to do. We’re all fireworks so let your light shine. Let it burst. Let it shoot up into the sky. Everyone is unique. Everyone is colorful. You have to find your light within and let it shine. That is exactly what this song says and is.

So last night I was going around thinking about friends that I hadn’t talked with in a while and decided to make lil’ video clips for them on their facebook walls. I think of each of you each and every day, but I don’t always say it. Someone that I’ve known for a couple of years now is always on my mind. He’s got a blog. He’s found himself. He’s got passion. He’s stylistic. He’s smart. He’s beautiful. Mr. David Haugen is someone that was fresh out of high school from a small town in the south. We found each other on a video chat site that I hosted live shows where I talked with people. Made friends. He was one of them. It was his outlet to be himself, to be gay. To be ok. To feel safe. To experience things. At the time that was his only outlet. I teased him with my yelling really loudly “David’s gay!!!” just in the hopes that his mom would hear. haha. I look back and maybe that was a bit mean, but it made us both giggle. He’s some one that I saw myself in. Some one scared to set himself free, but longing for that. I encouraged and supported him. I don’t see him online much, unless he’s posting an amazing video or blog update (I read each and every one of them, David!) but when I see these posts and his true light is shining. He’s happy. He’s smiling. He’s himself. He’s a firework. I smile. 

David - I am so proud of you. I love you. Keep bursting at the seems because I know you’re inspiring some one like I did you. That feeling is amazing. Continue.

If you’d like to read up on David’s website go to CampusQueer.com. Oh, and here is his firework video to you all:

Don’t you worry, there’s still time.

Time. It goes by so quickly. Before you know it death is knocking at your door. What do you do with your time? What you do with it makes you who you are. Time is valuable. You have to find something that makes you happy. It is never too late to accomplish a dream or to set a goal. There are always set backs, but it’s how you move forward that shows who you are. You’re either in it to win it or set to fail it.

I plan on winning. There is still time. 

Live in this moment now. Enjoy it. Soak it up. Be happy. These are things I tell myself each day and sometimes I forget it, so I need to write it down. I had this dream where I was alone in a cemetery. I was laying there. I was watching time go by. The clouds. The wind. The trees changing. I am not too sure what the dream really meant but I took it like this: Dustin. You’re standing still, you’re not changing. You’re not moving forward. 

It’s like I was watching nothing happen but time. I think I hold back. When did I start holding back? Why did I start? I guess I am fearing the unknown. I am fearing rejection. I am fearing loss and heart break. I guess I will never continue to grow unless I put my foot forward and run. There is always that chance that I will be sad, cry, and heart broken… but there is also a great chance that I will be loved. That I will love. That life will bring me time with someone amazing. Even if it is for a few months. I should roll with the punches and enjoy the time. I shouldn’t fear the possibilities, I should embrace them. Fully. I am 100%. Right?

Time is a funny thing. All week I was sitting in my new position at work enjoying it. The change is exactly what I needed. I am shining. This fits me so well. I’m learning. I’m growing. Time went by so fast. Too fast? I’ve got Monday morning. Who knew I’d look forward to that? I car pooled with Eddie and I enjoyed it. Riding to and from work with your best friend is pretty great. He drove home each night and I appreciated that… just sitting there enjoying the windows being down and the music being loud and my best friend next to me. It was perfect.

On the flip side distance and time is heart wrenching. I am a week away from flying to Vegas. This time is moving so slow. I’ve gone days without seeing Jarrod. I guess that time is slow, too. Waiting for his return from his Birthday vacation. Can’t wait to meet up and give him a hug. Time moves slowly.

Time moves slowly when you want something bad. It feels like when you’re reaching for a dream or goal time moves slower than the turn of Earth. Then those moments where you are completely happy and content, those moments fly by.

Funny how time is. 

Can’t always get what you want.

Something I’ve learned. You can’t always get what you want, but thinking like that means that you will never get what you want or need. Sometimes you just have to reach out and grab what you want… sometimes that is what you need.

Relationships. Sex. Friendships. Work. It all works the same.

Follow me when I say you just have to try. Walk out on the plank……. and do it. Jump. Jump in head first, heart second, hands out, arms open… see what happens. If you don’t you’ll be full of regret. Sometimes the pain that comes with a chance is always worth what could have been or what could become. You just never know.

Appreciate those around you. Love fully. Laugh. Have fun. Open your heart, mind, body, and soul… the world around you can rock you. Sometimes I need to be rocked…

I wrote this while drunk off wine, window open, tv playing, candles lit, Jarrod sitting next to me. :) Tonight was a good night. Tonight was one of those ‘to write love on her arms’ - I did not write love on my warms but I extended love from my heart to some great friends. <3

Perfect.

Until next time,

xoxoxoxo. D.

Cleared air and trust.

Clearing the air is important. That’s why I got plants recently. I want to keep this environment full of clear air. Not only to keep it fresh, but to keep it real. It’s equal. 

The thing I love about Eddie is that we are equals. It feels amazing. It’s magnetic, if you will. The trust. My mind over works sometimes and evil people can cause my mind to go into dark places. I hate that. With a clear mind, a full heart, clear air, and lots of trust I move forward. This month is coming to an end fast. I look forward to April. 

I look forward to Spring showers, and eventually May flowers. I look forward to summer. 

Sorry this entry is so short, but my mind is tired and my fingers are cold. Time to get under these covers and dream.

Another Check point; Best Friends, forever?

I have had my share of friends. I have had many that I hold close to my heart and consider best friends. When did it change? When does best friends forever become best friends or even just friends… and for a few nothing at all. I guess I am truly growing up and realizing how precious some of the moments in my life can be. How I value the people in my life; whatever their role is.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Well, ok, over thinking. I realize that I have used the ‘best’ friend title a little too much with people that honestly did not deserve it. Maybe in the past we once were and maybe it’s just this growing up and changing thing. This life thing. Maybe that is what it all is. All I know is I’ve always cared until now. I just cannot care anymore about people who do not care about themselves. People that are not honest about their demons. People that cannot be strong and face them. People who I have past memories with but no future.

The friend thing goes like this: You care for and would do anything for your best friend. You’re truly happy to see them happy. You’re interested in their life and happenings. All of this is a two way street. There is no one way street in a best friend relationship. I’ve realized with some people in my life that I have been going down a one way street. I guess once you start down that street it’s hard to turn around; it’s a one way after all. I have recently found a turning lane. Things are changing.

What does that mean? It means that I won’t apologize for you, me, or anything in between. I won’t stand by and watch you continue your path. I care. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a nice guy and right now we’re friends. However, I just can’t call you a best friend.

I’ve opened up to some of my friends lately. More than ever. I realize that they share my happiness with no hesitation. They see it in my eyes. My spirit. They care so much about me that it makes my head spin. To watch their eyes light up when I talk and smile. They are my best friends.

Check points. I’ve had a lot lately. These are moments in your life where it changes. Drastically. You learn about yourself and your surrounding. Usually for the better. With all of these check points I’ve had I feel like I am invincible. Fearless. Free.

I don’t feel like I have to name names in this blog. My best friends know who they are; especially recently. I have had moments with each of them that I will never ever forget. Moments that have molded our friendships stronger. Moments that truly make these people my best friends. If you feel me pulling back with you it’s because I found my turning lane. My exit ramp. You can ask me and I will be 100% honest with you. Maybe doing this will mold us closer? Probably not, but things do happen for a reason.

Do you all feel like you have moments of ‘check points’ where your world and your personal awareness change? Do you agree that a best friend relationship is like a two way street and if it becomes one way it’s probably the wrong way? Let me know.

I was told I am a one of a kind. I am realizing that in more than one way. I hope you come along for the ride.

xoxo,
Dustin

Put it on a shelf with a label on it.

People want to put you on a shelf for display with their label for you on your jar. Usually they want to write on your label in bright red. Your jar is on that eye level shelf. That label is facing out. They smile. The lock you into some type, something… but what if you are not what they think. Don’t worry they already made up their mind and that label is there to stay.

The same goes for relationships. Is it always 100% necessary to label the status of your relationship for others? Dating? Friends? Best Friends? More than friends? Married? Single? Divorced? Widowed? Friends with benefits? Talking? What if my situation does not fit these labels? Does it make it wrong? Does it mean it is going to fail? What is it? What do you tell people when they ask ‘what is going on with..’?

The easiest solution is to say best friends. “That’s my best friend!”

Why? Because you can unconditionally love your best friend. Your best friend is in your family. You adore your best friend. You want to spend time with your best friend. You want to surprise and capture your best friends heart forever.

So. I’m in this very complicated, understanding, truthful, caring, compassionate, flirtatious, friendship; best friendship. The lines of communication are wide open. The lines are shaded gray and very blurry. We’re just going to run with it. Whatever happens, happens. No labels.

I am truly the happiest I have ever been. I am growing up because of this. My life is changing quickly in front of my eyes. My best friend and I share this close bond that I have with no one else in this world. That is an amazing feeling.

So the question then is. What do you think about labels for people, relationships, etc?