Enough silence.
Disclaimer: I am sick (literally, a cold) and find myself in bed hungry but no taste for anything. There will be spelling errors. Carry on.
Hi. For a month I worked my butt off in a routine and schedule and diet. I found some results, but really it wasn’t a number game for me. It was a ‘wow I feel amazing’ game. Then something happened inside my heart and I was broken. I didn’t want to blog about it, or make a video. Maybe I should have? The thing is… I guess I wasn’t ready to share my darkness. The road block that hit me in the chest; hard.
Where do I really start from there? here?
First - I miss having a routine work out. I’ve spent the last few weeks doing a lot of outside work (landscaping the house!) and it has felt great. I’ve been surrounded by a lot of great fun. However, I really need to be more physical. I’ve gone on a few lengthy walks here and there, but this should be routine right now. Changing that Tuesday. Getting back in the game. I miss feeling that work out high!
Next - I have to say this because it is on my mind. It has been on my mind for the past few months, and slowly it has festered. I cannot deal with people who talk the talk but do not walk the walk. I cannot deal with the ‘yay! look what I’ve done!’ and they haven’t really done it, at all. Several of my friends have been inspirational in their routines of working out and eating healthy. It is very inspiring. I’m talking real in person best friends, to coworkers, to old friends that have moved away, to you all…. my twitter/facebook/tumblr people. It is amazing. I just hope that you’re doing it for you, for your health, and not for the pat on the back. There is one person whom I love and think is so wonderful, but they are doing that. Faking it and not ‘til they make it, but…. just faking it. They are cheating themselves and that is the tragedy. I do not think that they see it. Maybe they will read this and realize it is them I am speaking about. I’m not being mean, just real. I don’t think anyone else in your life is being real. Ever. Just saying.
And finally - as for my heart. It’s healing quite well. I find with each experience I learn a valuable lesson. This one is one I will hold forever in so many ways.
Always remember: you cannot force change, honesty, and love.
I’m back on the road to being ‘me’ and for the first time in a good month or two, it feels nice.
xoxo,
D.
Murder-For-Hire? CRAZY.
As I sit here thinking about so much the 6 o’clock news starts with “Tonight, A 16 year old’s plot to murder-for-hire his parents!” and my mouth drops open. Wow. So it’s my blog title for this entry.
I am running on a life high right now and I just felt like writing. Sorry If I ramble. Here goes.
I am feeling better about life in general and maybe it is the Summer weather that we’ve experienced here recently in Nashville or maybe it is the love I am feeling from those around me. I love it. The important things are falling into place: I have somewhere to live, I am packed, most of it is moved, and it is almost time for Vegas! I cannot wait to see my mother! I will be in Vegas for around 9-10 days. We’re going to go to the Grand Canyon, and then drive up to the LA / The OC area. Do some shopping. Spend a lot of time with my mom. Meet some friends for the first time from the internet. Maybe catch up with a few that I haven’t seen in a bit.
So the only thing super annoying right now is my leg. I slept wrong on it two-three nights in a row and it has the feeling of FALLING OFF. haha. No really. I have been in throbbing pain for 2-3 days now. Last night I used a heating pad and it is getting better. With all of this move and running around it hasn’t helped the leg at all, but today I am resting and hopefully I will be back to 100% tomorrow.
A surreal feeling is sitting in the apartment that I have called home for over a year now and know that it won’t be home when I return from Vegas. The empty cabinets, lack of photos on the walls, boxes all around … it is a sad moment. I will miss living here near some of my favorite spots. I will also miss Krystl and Chris. Having them across the parking lot was a big bonus of living here. I will be back to visit. For sure. I am excited about getting all unpacked and situated at the new house. I hope things go smoothly over the next couple of weeks. I am sure that they will. Right?
All in all I am just tired, but happily so.
Updates from Vegas to follow in 4 days. ;)
xoxo,
D.
I worry about my dear friend @FHChris
I often feel my heart drop when I hear from Chris and these types of stories are what he shares about his trips across the country with his band. I always feel like “that never happens to my friends” but then I wake up and realize that many of the people I hole dear to my heart have gone through something like this in some form. It breaks my heart. I’m very thankful that Chris is ok, very thankful.
Chris, I love you. Stay safe and come home so I can get really silly drunk in front of you and play wii bowling. HAY. lol.
Read on:
To those of you who have been asking about the other night, I’m alright and I appreciate your concern. I wasn’t exactly mugged, more like dangerously bluffed. Unfortunately this wasn’t the first time I have been through something like this and last time was MUCH worse. Our tour manager and I were…
Moving on and up.
I’ve found myself at a loss for words a lot these days. At some point I shut down to you all, and even myself. I may have told my friends, family, and coworkers the facts of my recent life experiences, but I did not share my feelings or thoughts - not even to myself. Just now I had a rush of thoughts and feelings run through my veins like a crisp cold Diet Dr. Pepper.
I am not even really sure where I feel like the first blow to my thoughts and feelings was the downfall and drama surrounding my ownership and running of the website FramingHanley.net. As most of you may know I sold this website last fall after a lack of appreciation, a lot of online bullying, and a shit ton of drama surrounding every aspect of my ownership of the website. To spare the drama and the details that have probably been heard - I will just share a few things and my thoughts and feelings. When I was young I spent a lot of my free time creating graphics, taking photos, and always supporting what has now become Framing Hanley. All of this was an outlet for my creativity and a lot of great memories with friends. At some point things changed between me and at least one of the band members. I still continued to support even through drama and the end of friendships. I did not do this to gain money or fame. I did this because I was great at what I did for the website and they had no real fan site to expose their music to their fans. It was my goal to reach fans and deliver what the fans wanted to them constantly. When specific things were posted some people got upset. Drama ensued and eventually I just could not support someone that was so blatantly spreading more hate than love and awareness. After my announcement my name was smeared and that hurt. It hurt because what was said was complete lies. My decision was spun to make this person look like a leader and me a liar. I will never forget or forgive that moment, those words, or this person. I’ve never felt like someone whom I once called a friend would ever just lie like that. What happened next was a lot of hate pouring out from the fans, and even some “friends” of mine - to me. It was my decision to block, delete, and forget those people. After all, they really had no idea. What upset and hurt me is that people that really had no idea were the first ones to play both sides of the situation. Sending me emails, direct messages, FaceBook messages, and Tweets telling me either horrible things or wonderful things - then turning around and smearing my name and work - my dedication and honesty - to the other person. It was then that I realized that I was just a tool to these people to be used to update a website, to help gain fans, to keep fans updated… and the fans just thought of me the same (not all of them, I think the ones that are free thinkers and not blind - were genuine. Thank you.) way - a tool to get what they wanted and closer to the band. Looking back I have no regrets. I learned a lot. I learned that those types of situations should have always been business, and never a mix with friends. Moving forward I will limit myself in my work for friends. I can now say that my only wish is that people really knew who they idolize. They probably never will - their loss. A fool is fooling so many, but thankfully not me.
A lot of feelings on my family have weighed my heart lately. I’ve never been that close to any of my relatives, but I recently realized why I never will be. I am shocked and disgusted with how my family treats other family members. I am shocked at how they are so driven by drama, that they cannot even see the importance surrounding events like death, love, and happiness. My great aunt’s passing helped me see who some of my family members really are. I cannot help but feel sad for them as I came back to my reality - came back to my family of friends, and sanity. I wish them all the best, but I have no desire to see some of them ever again. I think what makes me different from my other family members is that I face my problems, I think critically, I love fully, and I speak out on my emotions. So many people do not do that - so much so that they do not function. That’s been my problem as of late; locking up and shutting down without being true to who I am to myself. When I shut down I become one of them. Clueless. Unhappy. Frustrated. Well not anymore - after putting my emotions on the table in this blog I realize how important it is for me to do so. How I can carry on healthily towards my goals.
There are two more things weighing in on my mind now - one is work, and another is Eddie. The work one is pretty simple - I won’t discuss it here in great detail. All I know is that I feel under appreciated. I feel taken advantage of. I feel a loss of that drive that got me excited about going in to work. I am working on getting that back, slowly each day. I fear that the people that I work around might look at me as annoying because of my lack of being ‘there’… Hopefully I can show them I am here, there, and will be. I just need to put up, and shut up. Get down to work. Right? right!
Almost done - if you’re still reading, thank you. Your input, thoughts, feelings would be greatly appreciated through a message / email / tweet / direct message. :)
Onto my friendship with my best friend. It’s not there anymore. Physically we live together, but you’d never know that. He does his thing. I do mine. I’ve heard he posts obvious rants towards me on Facebook, but we’re not friends. I don’t care. It’s funny what can happen and change, and even the minor things blow up into big ordeals. It’s also funny how the most important person in your life can change and become the least important. That’s how I feel. At some point I lost my friend. Either he wasn’t being himself before, or he’s not being himself now. Either way, it’s different. I don’t know if I can even bring myself to tell him all of this - maybe he’ll read it. Maybe none of it will make sense. I just know in my heart that I did some things wrong and probably crazy, but when he stopped asking and listening he never gave a chance to understand my moments. I shut down and put up a wall too, because I saw the ugly that others could see but felt like it would never apply to me. There is probably too much dramatics involved. There are feelings and thoughts going unshared. I never know what the future brings, but I never regret the past. Each day I learn. Each day I grow. I just wish that Eddie would be apart of that. I feel like my chapter with him has been written and turning these pages I see a new chapter. His story stopped.
Where does all of this put me? It puts me at ease. I am free of the website that caused a lot of pain. I have said goodbye to my aunt. I love my mother. I love my friends. I hate my job, but am willing to work towards loving it again. I am worried about my roommate situation (for a lot of reasons that have been unsaid here). I don’t know where I will be in a month, or two months… or in a year. I just know that where and what I will be is me. Myself. I will always be real, focused, and full of love.
My heart feels lighter and warmer.
My head feels clearer.
My soul feels renewed.
A quick and very meaningful thank you to my mother, my friends, my online family. Without your hugs, calls, texts, messages, tweets, likes - I’d have been lost and depressed.
xoxo,
Dusty.
I thought this was a very well put together music video for “Photographs & Gasonline” created by a fan. Check it out (:
This is my favorite FH song. Great video too.
“Back To Go Again” music video from A PROMISE TO BURN. This song is a UK single release. Enjoy. Big thanks to Jake. You all are very welcome. Enjoy. Spread. Love.
Worry, worry, worry.
I am not sure how to begin what I feel. I haven’t taken a moment to write it out till just now.
I worry each day when I wake up. I worry that I could die in a car accident on the way to work and no one would know. I worry that I’ll burst into tears at work and appear unstable. I worry about money. I worry about my weight. I worry about the ones I love. Most of all I worry about my mother. I worry each morning if she is ok. I worry about her situation. I worry about her driving around Las Vegas by herself.
I have been consumed with worry. My escape was interaction with co-workers, and friends. That has changed a little and now I find my time spent chained to a desk talking to people that are set up to just yell at me. I smile through it hoping that maybe my smile shines through to them, but it rarely does. I’ve worked so much lately that it literally made me tired, even on my days off. I really deserve a vacation away from it all. I need it. I can’t help but feel guilty for wanting that when I hear the pain in my mothers voice.
I’ve never experienced any feelings like this, ever. Feelings of pure 100% sadness. A feeling of worry so great that it gives me a headache. A feeling of being so lost just as I thought I was found. A feeling of alone when I felt like I had it all. I see now that the events that kept me strong are fading, and the events that have me worried and sad now are just depressing. I wish this year was a VCR. I’d rewind to January 1st and record. Start over. I realize this is not a possibility so in order to move forward it is a must to change the channel and record a new program.
It’s like watching that horror movie late at night all alone. You see it, you see something real scary, and so you turn the channel really quick but that image is still there. That fear. Even though the channel is now on some cartoons, those haunting images are still there. I guess I have to sit here for a moment and remember that time heals all wounds, fears, and depressions. I am not depressed, but I most certainly feel lost and in desperate need of an escape.
I want to push for a trip to Vegas, but I feel like a huge dark cloud is there. I am scared of what storms I will see. I really want more than anything for my mother to come here. I want her to see my apartment - she’s never seen it - and I want to take her to see everyone that misses her here. People she hasn’t even met yet.
All of these emotions ran through me tonight, and just now. On my way home my mom texted me - I called her back. We talked for 45 minutes and the entire time I wanted to cry or scream. I hear the pain in her voice. It’s like watching the car accident in front of you. You can’t do anything to stop it - it’s too late - and you can’t do anything to fix it because you’re trapped. I don’t have a solution. I am a solution finder. I can’t find one here. This frustrates me to the point of tears.
The things I can do. The things I will do…
I will continue to work as much as possible. I will continue to love my mother unconditionally. I will continue to push myself that I fly free. I will continue to be honest and real with everyone around me.
Until next time……
xoxo,
D.
Work, friends, and summer.
I don’t really talk about work in my writings, but all I have done lately is work. So all I can write about is working. Here goes:
I am fully enjoying the changes around me at work. I am seeing teammates push themselves. I am watching people grow and move into new positions. I am sad to see some people go. It’s funny how much work becomes a second home. I’ve been working a lot of over time lately because the business needed it. I’m proud of the people I am assisting. It’s all a little over whelming, but manageable. I am looking at myself in a mirror and I like what I see. I’ve grown up. I’m looked to for guidance and I am given respect. That’s nice. I hope everyone I know is growing and learning in their current positions and striving to get to that next level.
Always surprised.
I just realized that I am always surprised. Surprised by what I see people do in public, or don’t do. Surprised by how horrible, and how amazing people can be to strangers. Surprised by post-its around the house. Then today. I went to work tired, but enjoyed every moment of it. A relaxed Sunday. A busy day. A lot of fresh faces with smiles ready to learn and grow and looking to me for assistance in doing so. Then I got let off work early and decided to go surprise Krystl at work. I hadn’t done that in a while. Then, to my surprise, upon walking in I see Chris and Krystl! What a cool surprise. He was in town after a few shows in Ohio. We then all went to Target, then dinner, then to the pool. Amazing. I always feel at home with them together.
Who knew waking up today that I would have had such a full, amazing day. Surprised.
I’m sorry; I didn’t know I was annoying.
It’s funny how things go up and down randomly.
I’ve been in a funk because of everything in my personal life, but at least my team at work loves me. During a recent meeting I set my thoughts, feelings, and goals out on the table. I’ve gotten a lot of support, team work, and encouragement through all of my team members. That is something I am very thankful for right now. If I didn’t have their support I’d really hate life a lot right now.
I’ve felt a lot of support from the people who mean the most, but surprisingly I’ve not felt it from a few that I really needed it from. That I am very surprised about.
I look around and cannot help but realize that I’ve annoyed a few people. I am not sure how, or what, I’ve done that… but clearly I have. I don’t have the energy in my mind to sort it all out or to even really bring it up so I’ve taken to locking myself in my room and only reaching out when they reach out. So far, no hands are out. I’ll continue to wait it out in my safe place.
Do you ever feel like someone interrupts you, ignores what you say, talks over you, or never looks you in the eye? Why do people do that? Is that their way of saying “look, I’m annoyed with you. I’m pissed off. You’re here because they invited you.” or is it all in ones mind? I feel like my mind is smart enough to realize that it’s the first one, and not a false feeling. How did we get to that point, though? Maybe I shouldn’t lean on my friends so much like I have recently. It has been all about me. Maybe I need to focus more on them, now.
I was annoyed with FaceBook so I took to the use of my ‘delete’ button. Removing people that add me and never speak to me makes using facebook feel safer. Removing people that clearly only read my updates and blogs to talk about my behind my back makes me feel smarter. Removing friends who clearly are not friends makes me feel like they really needed a wake up call. Maybe everyone should edit their friend lists every now and then.
At this time I feel alone. I feel like I have absolutely no one that gets me, my mind, or my feelings. No one.
I carry on knowing that I am, and forever, will always be alone. Check points are turning into personal check points. Goals are turning into selfish dreams. I guess that is how everyone is, though, right?
Carry on.
xoxo,
D.
Random acts of hate. I just don’t understand.
I’ve been at a loss for words for a few days now, but after some drinks at the restaurant, some more at Chris & Krystl’s, and some alone time on the couch I am ready to type.
I want to start by saying that I am deeply sad, emotional, and angry. I look at life now and wonder why some things have happened. I surround my self with the best of people and I often find myself looking above for answers. This is new to me. Before now I knew what I wanted and enjoyed what I had. I often worried about those around me, but never my self. I now worry about myself and those around me more than ever.
I’ve also stopped writing this blog a few times in the past three days because the subject is a sensitive one. A series of events. Some involving me and some not so directly. I can speak to my own, but not others.
I was assaulted Saturday night. It started this series of events that I don’t want to relive, ever ever again. I pulled into a gas station to buy something to drink and a snack before heading to Amanda’s for some chill time when I was assaulted. I pulled in and parking near the door next to a car that pulled in right before me. As I pulled in I saw a woman get out. My windows were down. I pulled into the spot next to her car and as I did I started to hear words I hadn’t really experienced in public. A guy in her passenger seat starting yelling things like “fucking faggot” and something about burning in hell. Now, I know I sometimes wear makeup or bend the ‘guy’ mold, but I looked very average. T-shirt from AE, plaid shorts, flip flops, glasses, and my hair. Nothing crazy that night. He kept going as I got out of my car and I never looked back. I did not care. I am strong, it’s nothing I hadn’t heard at least once before online, or in person, but this time it was all different. This guy was disgusting. I went inside and got my Diet Coke and Apple Pie snack. The woman was in front of me in the check-out line. She was almost finished as I walked up. She was rude to the clerk and I wondered how someone could act like that to a complete stranger. As I walked up I made small talk with the clerk about that ladies rudeness. We talked about how crazy people can be and I told him the guy in her car was rude and verbally abusive to me. One my way out the door I hoped that they were gone, but they weren’t. As I walked to my car he got out and kept his door open. I had to open my door and squeeze into my car, but as I did so his mouth kept going. By this time it was like slow motion on a fast forward speed setting. It was surreal. The woman was out of the car and yelling at him to get into her car and at the same time telling me ‘sorry sweetie, he’s drunk’ … then he hit me. He hit me in the arm. I was getting in to my car. I couldn’t start it and get my windows up and doors locked fast enough. He hit my driver window over and over. I started to back out as he continued to hit my window and yell words. I was in shock. It had been raining. As I put the car into drive and hit the gas I spun out. Out of the spot I was. I found myself at a red light quick. I then thought I saw a cop across the street so I went there. Nothing. By the time I regained composure I drive across the street to get their license plate number and they were gone. I then got back onto the road and picked up the phone. I was over whelmed with emotions and called my mom. She calmed me down, and on my way to Amanda’s I went. My mom told me she would call me back in a few minutes….
Amanda was upset. She started to do what any smart protective friend would do. She looked up the gas stations phone number, the police station’s number, and then advised that I call. I was just in shock.
Then the phone rang.
This phone call will be one I will never forget and one that will change my life, and view of people, forever. My mom called me upset. The details of our conversation are private and it is something I wish not to share. It’s not my place. Maybe one day my mom can write something about her experience that I can post. I will suggest it to her. I think maybe by speaking out people will see a view point on a subject that is horrific. All I will say is… my heart stopped. The worst thing happened. I could not breathe. As my mom told me her story I cried. I worried. I wondered. I feared. My mind then forgot everything I had experienced that night and went into protective mode for her. I am so proud of my mom. She is such an amazing woman. She is so strong. After being told what happened I realized more than ever how amazing she truly is. No one can take her spirit from her. No one. I now hold women closer to my heart than before. I hold victims close. I want to speak out. I want to fight them. I want to find justice.
My mind did not sleep for nearly two days. I could not sleep. I could not find peace. I was stressed. I prayed. I wanted to get to Vegas so fast. I needed to just hug my mother and heal her heart. I thought about it all so much. I still am. I found support in the most amazing places, surprisingly. Someone from work is giving me a free plane ticket to Vegas for whenever I want to go. I am planning that now. More than ever I want to be hugging my mom. I hope no one ever goes through what she has, but sadly so many women do each day. So many never seek justice. So many never speak out. I want to change that with her help, with your help. I find my heart running. I find my mind thinking about different things then I used to. My prayers were answered about the plane ticket and that takes a lot of stress of my shoulders.
Today was the first day that I woke up ok. I woke up after a long sleep with a plan for the day. I was to pay rent, car payment, see Eddie at work, and then have dinner with Chris, Krystl, Amanda, and Wes. I wanted to surround my self with the best. I need support now. Then Andrew (Eddie’s boyfriend) texted me. I had Eddie’s phone because he left it at home, so he couldn’t get a hold of him. He asked that I ask Eddie to email or call him when he could. Andrew then told me that his car had been keyed with the word “FAG” on the hood. I found the blood in my body boil. How this could happen was beyond me. Andrew is such an amazing young man. He is beyond words amazing. It upset me deep down in my heart to hear that his car had been vandalized. I am shocked, again.
How do people do this shit? Punch people, key cars… etc. I am just in shock.
I sit here praying. I pray that my mom heals up. I pray that her soul finds safety and happiness again. I hope Andrew’s car gets fixed fast so he doesn’t have to have a daily reminder that someone in Nashville is an asshole. I pray that no one ever has to experience hate. I hope for a day where Chris is always home. I miss him. His presence is a much needed one.
I’m thankful for those around me. During this time I might seem distant, crazy, or just … zombie like. I hope you all understand. My mind is not here. It’s in Vegas with my mother. Please pray for us all, my family and friends need it now more than ever.
xoxo,
D.
Colorful Inception.
Some say that you don’t dream in color. I know I didn’t. Life had no goal or plan till I met you. Maybe this is my late night thought process to you, and you’re asleep. Maybe I’m just filled with love and thanks and this is my way to express it, again.
I just saw inception. Great movie. Don’t really care to explain it to you, nor do I want to ruin it… but it is an amazing movie. Go see it. I feel like this movie shows how my mind works. I work on many layers. My mind is always moving, even when time is going by in slow motion. It’s amazing. That was a SN (side note) by the way.
Back on topic. See. My mind ran! ahh!
Seriously. I remember a time when life was black and white and so were my dreams. Now I see a future so vivid in color I run for it. Life is amazing that way. How things happen for reasons that make no sense till chapters down the road. Eddie told me his master plan that involved me. I’m moved. He is simply amazing. That man is filled with love, understanding, and intelligence beyond words. No one will ever fully understand that, but me. A thank you is not nearly enough. Today I found myself wrapped up in my head and more than usual. I’m frustrated on many levels, but then I saw it clearly. Every sign on this road points in the right direction. I’m moving forward and never behind. No stops on this road. I’m excited.
When I look at all of you I look deep inside. I find meaning. I make connections. I wonder. I then try to extract the best in everyone. I care, too much. I’ve realized that sometimes not caring is the best policy. I need to work on that more, for myself. I found my first subject in this. One of many, I am sure. So. Moving forward I will not care about him anymore. I don’t care where he is, who he is with, or what he is doing. Why? Because I see that he never cared. I see this all in full color and it is filled with red. Before the black and white was hard to see through. Ha.
The movie is amazing. Eddie is very important. Work does not matter. I have a plan. I will execute this. My path is there, I just need to walk it. I miss and love my mother. I will find power in my prayer, tonight. I am done with him.
xoxo,
D.
