Moving on and up.
I’ve found myself at a loss for words a lot these days. At some point I shut down to you all, and even myself. I may have told my friends, family, and coworkers the facts of my recent life experiences, but I did not share my feelings or thoughts - not even to myself. Just now I had a rush of thoughts and feelings run through my veins like a crisp cold Diet Dr. Pepper.
I am not even really sure where I feel like the first blow to my thoughts and feelings was the downfall and drama surrounding my ownership and running of the website FramingHanley.net. As most of you may know I sold this website last fall after a lack of appreciation, a lot of online bullying, and a shit ton of drama surrounding every aspect of my ownership of the website. To spare the drama and the details that have probably been heard - I will just share a few things and my thoughts and feelings. When I was young I spent a lot of my free time creating graphics, taking photos, and always supporting what has now become Framing Hanley. All of this was an outlet for my creativity and a lot of great memories with friends. At some point things changed between me and at least one of the band members. I still continued to support even through drama and the end of friendships. I did not do this to gain money or fame. I did this because I was great at what I did for the website and they had no real fan site to expose their music to their fans. It was my goal to reach fans and deliver what the fans wanted to them constantly. When specific things were posted some people got upset. Drama ensued and eventually I just could not support someone that was so blatantly spreading more hate than love and awareness. After my announcement my name was smeared and that hurt. It hurt because what was said was complete lies. My decision was spun to make this person look like a leader and me a liar. I will never forget or forgive that moment, those words, or this person. I’ve never felt like someone whom I once called a friend would ever just lie like that. What happened next was a lot of hate pouring out from the fans, and even some “friends” of mine - to me. It was my decision to block, delete, and forget those people. After all, they really had no idea. What upset and hurt me is that people that really had no idea were the first ones to play both sides of the situation. Sending me emails, direct messages, FaceBook messages, and Tweets telling me either horrible things or wonderful things - then turning around and smearing my name and work - my dedication and honesty - to the other person. It was then that I realized that I was just a tool to these people to be used to update a website, to help gain fans, to keep fans updated… and the fans just thought of me the same (not all of them, I think the ones that are free thinkers and not blind - were genuine. Thank you.) way - a tool to get what they wanted and closer to the band. Looking back I have no regrets. I learned a lot. I learned that those types of situations should have always been business, and never a mix with friends. Moving forward I will limit myself in my work for friends. I can now say that my only wish is that people really knew who they idolize. They probably never will - their loss. A fool is fooling so many, but thankfully not me.
A lot of feelings on my family have weighed my heart lately. I’ve never been that close to any of my relatives, but I recently realized why I never will be. I am shocked and disgusted with how my family treats other family members. I am shocked at how they are so driven by drama, that they cannot even see the importance surrounding events like death, love, and happiness. My great aunt’s passing helped me see who some of my family members really are. I cannot help but feel sad for them as I came back to my reality - came back to my family of friends, and sanity. I wish them all the best, but I have no desire to see some of them ever again. I think what makes me different from my other family members is that I face my problems, I think critically, I love fully, and I speak out on my emotions. So many people do not do that - so much so that they do not function. That’s been my problem as of late; locking up and shutting down without being true to who I am to myself. When I shut down I become one of them. Clueless. Unhappy. Frustrated. Well not anymore - after putting my emotions on the table in this blog I realize how important it is for me to do so. How I can carry on healthily towards my goals.
There are two more things weighing in on my mind now - one is work, and another is Eddie. The work one is pretty simple - I won’t discuss it here in great detail. All I know is that I feel under appreciated. I feel taken advantage of. I feel a loss of that drive that got me excited about going in to work. I am working on getting that back, slowly each day. I fear that the people that I work around might look at me as annoying because of my lack of being ‘there’… Hopefully I can show them I am here, there, and will be. I just need to put up, and shut up. Get down to work. Right? right!
Almost done - if you’re still reading, thank you. Your input, thoughts, feelings would be greatly appreciated through a message / email / tweet / direct message. :)
Onto my friendship with my best friend. It’s not there anymore. Physically we live together, but you’d never know that. He does his thing. I do mine. I’ve heard he posts obvious rants towards me on Facebook, but we’re not friends. I don’t care. It’s funny what can happen and change, and even the minor things blow up into big ordeals. It’s also funny how the most important person in your life can change and become the least important. That’s how I feel. At some point I lost my friend. Either he wasn’t being himself before, or he’s not being himself now. Either way, it’s different. I don’t know if I can even bring myself to tell him all of this - maybe he’ll read it. Maybe none of it will make sense. I just know in my heart that I did some things wrong and probably crazy, but when he stopped asking and listening he never gave a chance to understand my moments. I shut down and put up a wall too, because I saw the ugly that others could see but felt like it would never apply to me. There is probably too much dramatics involved. There are feelings and thoughts going unshared. I never know what the future brings, but I never regret the past. Each day I learn. Each day I grow. I just wish that Eddie would be apart of that. I feel like my chapter with him has been written and turning these pages I see a new chapter. His story stopped.
Where does all of this put me? It puts me at ease. I am free of the website that caused a lot of pain. I have said goodbye to my aunt. I love my mother. I love my friends. I hate my job, but am willing to work towards loving it again. I am worried about my roommate situation (for a lot of reasons that have been unsaid here). I don’t know where I will be in a month, or two months… or in a year. I just know that where and what I will be is me. Myself. I will always be real, focused, and full of love.
My heart feels lighter and warmer.
My head feels clearer.
My soul feels renewed.
A quick and very meaningful thank you to my mother, my friends, my online family. Without your hugs, calls, texts, messages, tweets, likes - I’d have been lost and depressed.
xoxo,
Dusty.
Lucky (or unlucky) Number 13.
Family is such an interesting subject to talk about, always. You have one or you don’t. If you do it may not be perfect and it can lead to tears. If you don’t have one then it might be a lot of tears. Too many tears, sometimes.
I have a sense of family in a non typical way. Maybe you can relate? I look around me and have always felt like I have no real family. I look at Krystl’s family. I see how many sides and homes and celebrations that come from her family. She’s lucky. She has those stories about aunts, and grandmas, and dad and mom… I enjoy hearing about her family. I look at Mike and Brittany. Mike moved here from far away years ago like me, but married into a very large family. I spent Christmas’ with them. I’ve seen thanksgivings and birthdays. Brittany has a very large interesting family. Growing up with cousins like they are your best friends. Chris’ family was on the street behind me. His wonderful mother and brothers. I always enjoyed my time spent with them. They are a great group of people. I know he is very thankful for them. Then (and most recently) I saw Amanda’s family. They have treated me like I am apart of their family. This goes for my other friends too. I’ve always felt welcomed by Mike, Brittany, Rachel, Krystl, Chris, and Amanda’s families. I’ve always felt comfortable with them. I have always felt like I belonged. That is heart warming. I wonder often if they realize what they have?
I had a dream that I was at my funeral.
So much to talk about and I have no idea where to begin. sigh.
I am constantly over whelmed lately with thoughts and feelings. Something changed and it all feels off. The path isn’t as bright as it once was. I can’t see what I am doing. I’m stumbling. The person that was there to shine the light on the path to catch me when I start to fall hasn’t been there. What do you do when you feel like you have all these friends but no one to talk to? Sometimes I want to talk at 3 am. Sometimes that is when I get the moment to think about it and want to process it. Just not always alone.
I am so sick of this winter. Not just the normal “is it Spring yet?” feelings, but literally… I am sick and fucking tired of this weather, this snow, this lack of sunshine. It is annoying. It is the reason why I will move to somewhere warmer in one year. I feel the cold air in my heart. I don’t know how much more of it I can take.
Moving moving moving. I feel like I am doing a great job of being prepared for the big move on March 2nd, but… I also feel like there are 1,000 things to get done. It is over whelming when you sit and think about it. It was nice having Eddie there to help me through some of my stuff so it wasn’t too dramatic to me. I’m so super excited to get into the apartment. Make memories. Have fun. Live life to the fullest and all with Eddie. My absolute best friend. It’s going to be fun.
Love? I am beginning to feel like it does not exist. It does not exist for me, correction. I want someone that will love me for me. All of me. Even in the current state of crazy. Even the weight. The hair. I want someone who does not care. Someone who will push back just as hard as I push on them. Someone that inspires me. I want someone to come home to and just smile when I see them. I want someone that completes me. I want someone that is always honest. I want someone who does not want to play games. I want someone who my mom loves just as much as I love them. I guess these are all things that we all want in love. Right? I haven’t played this game very long at all. I’ve never cared for it, but now I realize that I have so much unconditional love to give. I want it.
Body Image. One day I will be everything that most people think I won’t be. I am working on this. I haven’t lost my focus or determination to accomplish my goals for myself. When this day comes and all of a sudden I am good enough for you don’t be surprised when you aren’t good enough for me. I walk hard. I dress trendy. It’s a mask. A wall. In the next few months that wall is coming down and you all will get to come into my world. Slowly I am becoming who I want to do. Who I am destined to be.
My mother. After some annoying flight delays from LasVegas to Nashville, she finally arrived. I was sitting in the car at the airport with Eddie on the phone when I saw her walk out. I yelled “omg! That’s her! GOTTA GO!” and hung up. I jumped out of the car and ran to her. She dropped her bags and we hugged for what felt like 20 minutes. We hugged again. And then for a third time before the bags made it into the trunk of my car. She cried. I held back. I am always the strong one when around her. She’s always been so strong for me. The plan was to have Eddie with me because I wanted him there for this moment, but that didn’t go as planned. It was still a perfect moment. A moment I will remember forever. The ride home was silent for the most part. She was on her phone and I was on mine. She yelled about me smoking. We laughed. She couldn’t believe we had snow all over in our little city. She told me she missed her puppy already and the new apartment she got in Vegas. That made me realize then in that moment that she considered Vegas home now. She was visiting her old home, and thinking about home home - Vegas. Getting into the door of the house she just looked around. Like she forgot what things looked like. She didn’t know where the straws were in the kitchen. It was interesting. We talked at the table and I made grilled cheese sandwiches. She told me about her job and how exciting it was and how she was learning so much. She told me about her apartment and showed me photos. She told me about some of the friends she made. She told me about how much she missed me. How lonely it was. I felt sad. She’s lost weight. We talked about Eddie. He called. He was at a Kroger and someone offered to sell him foodstamps for cash. That means they wanted drugs. Or wanted to see how much cash he had and then rob him. I’ll be so happy knowing that he’ll be shopping at a far better Kroger sometime soon. My mom laughed and said “He was almost mugged and didn’t even know it!” … she’s excited to meet him. He’s excited to meet her. I’m sure I’ll blog about that soon, after it happens. After more talking and just being in each others company we went to bed. 5am. Now it’s the next day and we woke up late. She napping next to me as I watch TV and type this in her bed. It’s rather nice hearing her. Seeing her. I really missed her. You know that laugh? that hug? that lovely perfume scent? I am so thankful for this moment right now. I wish I had the entire weekend off from work, but I don’t. I’ll be spending as much time as possible around the house this weekend.
So. Last night I had a dream that I was at my funeral. It was dark. It was rainy. Everyone I had ever met in my entire life was there. I talked to Eddie about this dream as he and I usually share our dreams when waking up… and he said it was because I felt overwhelmed and unappreciated. So true.
I hope these feelings go away with this winter. This year has been so amazing and I don’t want it to stop. I don’t want it to be clouded by over whelming feelings.
Until next time…
xoxo,
Dustin
At a fork in the road; which split to take?
When your life is going down this lovely road and everything is going fine. You’re happy. What do you do when the road has a split. Turn left or keep right?
When I think about the possibilities that could come of moving across the country I get excited. When I think about leaving behind my friends (that are my family) I get sad. When I think about the heat of LasVegas I wonder if I will be miserable? When I try to fathom being miles and miles and miles away from my mother I tear up. When I think about moving, switching banks, traveling for days to get there, a new job, and being alone I get nervous. Scared. Worried.
When I think about staying where I call home I feel safe. When I think about getting my very own first place I wonder what happens if I fail. I don’t want to fail.
So, I wonder which split in the road to take. I guess I will just play it by ear. I will follow the road as it comes…
