My emotions this week have been under water.

It feels like it has been a month since I last wrote to you all. So much has happened so much is happening. I feel like I missed the opportunities to write my feelings out as they happened so now they will all be poured into these next few paragraphs like I would pour my cereal into the big white bowl with ‘slurp’ on it.

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately with myself. In some aspects I really realized that I do need my own time, but in other aspects I really realized how much I value my time with the people I love. I realize how much I miss my mother. Eddie left Nashville one week ago and it feels like it has been a month. This is the first time since meeting him that we haven’t seen each other on a daily. It’s weird not seeing your best friend for a week. He’s with his mom and sisters. He got to see his nephews. He’s doing good. I got a tour tonight via Skype of his mom’s house. Got to meet her. She speaks primarily Spanish so I tried to keep my English slow and proper so she’d better understand me. I think we did good! She’s so pretty. So sweet. I told her to teach Eddie something amazing to cook! I love mexican food! mmmmmm!! Seeing the way she looked at him reminds me of how my mom looks at me. I miss that! 

Speaking of mothers. It’s Mother’s Day this Sunday. I’m doing a lil’ video project. I guess it will basically be me reading a letter that I am writing to my mother. I will cry. I’ll share stories. A photo or two. I basically want my mother to know how much I value, appreciate, respect, and adore her. She’s in LasVegas so I cannot just hop in the car and drive on over. I wish more than anything that I could. I really do. It is hard living that far away from someone you love so much. I do not think that I could ever live in Vegas, but maybe I could live near it. I worry about my mother. I worry that she’s out there but with no family. My step dad is out there and has been for a while now, but now he’s going to start his job and he’s going to be gone for a full month. My mom cried about that on the phone with me. My heart broke. It is like when she smiles her entire heart smiles, but when she’s sad her entire heart breaks. I don’t deal well with that. I do while I am on the phone. I tell her it is ok. I change the subject. I try to make her laugh…. but it comes back around to her deep sadness in her voice. Her not wanting to be alone without him and alone without me. I always wanted the day where I moved out onto my own. Where I had my own place and felt proud. I have that now and I do. I love living with Eddie. I love what we have here. It’s worked out amazingly. It looks amazing. We’re having fun. It’s great. The thing I wanted most in all of this was my mom. I wanted her to come over for dinners. Maybe come watch a movie. Drink some wine. Have some laughs. I really wanted to be like “oh, I’m going to my moms for dinner. Wanna come?” to Eddie… but that will never, ever happen. I will never get to just hop in the car and drive over to my moms. That’s what I’ve realized recently. Eddie has opened up completely to his mother about being gay. I’m so proud of him, and proud of her. She has her arms opened wide to her son with complete acceptance and love. That woman is amazing. I hear his happiness with his family in his voice. He has a feeling of family which is something I think he hasn’t felt… in a long time, or ever. Now I see him being home sick and wanting to come home (I miss him, so much), but once he is here I see him really missing his mother too. Their bond is strong. I wonder if he will feel some of the things I feel about missing my mom. Is this how everyone feels about missing their moms? I worry that too much time will go by and the time will grow longer between visits of me with my mom… so much time… that it will feel like I’ve lived my life without her. I cannot fathom that thought and it makes me sad.

As I type these feelings and thoughts down for you all to read through… I cannot help but feel extremely guilty. So many people has lost their parents. So many people can only recall memories or look at old photos. I can still call my mom. I am lucky. I am blessed. Thank you.

This week has not only made me just miss my best friend and also my mother, but these storms that hit Nashville have turned my world into a crazy world. Eddie leaves on a Friday and Sunday we flood. Friday night Jarrod came over to hang out and spend the night after we saw “A Nightmare on Elm St.” (which was great by the way). I could not be more thankful for Jarrod. He’s there to smack me around when I need it most. He’s also there to lift up my spirits when I need it most, too. On Saturday I was alone. The power went out. The rain hit hard. I left the apartment and went to Amanda and Wes’ because I just did not feel at home when alone. I guess I am a big chicken. Then Sunday I go to work and the rain just would not stop. It kept going and going. Breaks and lunches went. They decided to close my work and asked us to leave the area. The Opryland Hotel was evacuated. The waters were rising. What the hell was going on? It was like a movie. The confusion. The rumors. The lack of real-time news. Twitter kept me up-to-date, thank god. The photos, the updates, the news, the websites, the phone calls… it all started to add up and make sense. Nashville was under water. I was scared. I was alone. My mom was worried. Eddie was worried. I felt like I was being pulled in a million directions. I just wanted a hug. I am ok. My car is ok. Our apartment is ok. What is not ok is that so many people lost their lives. So many people lost their homes. So many people are without a job now. This city is amazing and it will be rebuilt. It is so amazing that so many people care for their neighbors. It warms the heart. I was and still somewhat am in some form of shock from all of this. I really did not expect this from some rain! Walking to the end of our parking lot and seeing the main entrance to my work under water was scary. The gas station that I go into nearly daily outside of my work was under water. Today I drove by because finally, 4 days later, the water had gone down enough to reopen part of the street. It was so surreal to see those people that are always in that gas station outside cleaning and taking merchandise out of their store and throwing it away. They just remodeled the outside of that station. It is the things like that. The fact that the mall is still under water. That Opryland Hotel had 12 feet of water. That it will be closed for months to be fixed. The videos, the photos… the stories. I am truly thankful and blessed that I am ok, and that everyone I know is ok.

If you would like to give any type of donation to the Nashville Flood Relief please call 1-888-540-5200. You can also click on the main banner on http://www.1075theriver.com ‘s homepage to donate online. If you are in the Nashville area please check out http://www.hon.org and learn about how you can volunteer to help!

The apartment is dead silent. All I hear is my typing. I really miss Eddie. I realize how much he means to my daily life. :)

I’m in this really amazing place in my head right now. This place where my confidence is super high. I feel like I own the world right now. I told Jarrod that I owed him. He yelled at me via text and said I owed him shit and that he was just being him. He just doesn’t realized that he’s that cool. He’s amazing. He doesn’t realize that because he treats me the way he does and because he doesn’t look with those eyes the way most people do. He doesn’t realize a lot of things. Maybe he does. Maybe I don’t realize that he realizes these things. Whoa. It’s the touch - so soft and so right. He’s made me feel beautiful. We’re not dating. It’s not like that, even though I probably painted some picture that lead you to think that… but he is amazing. I hope that is something he realizes.

Amanda said I needed more gay men in my life. I needed that bond. She was right. I need my Eddie and Jarrod. Two of my best friends are now gay men. My best friend circle is closing in smaller and smaller, but it’s got an amazing mix of people that complete me. I am so thankful for that. I am becoming the person I need to because of them. I am learning so much in so many ways. When Amanda told me that I needed that; more gay men in my life…. I laughed. I really did. I also thought in my head - NO! Why? Because I really am not your typical gay man. I can tolerate some techno, but usually only if it’s Eddie (watching his face light up when he is hearing the music makes me smile). I don’t say a lot of these things: “oh my god he is fucking hot. Look at his ass! woo woo!” … that’s just not me, never has been. Now that I have that with my friends I realize that it is apart of me and that world. I do need that. I enjoy sitting on my couch watching Glee with Jarrod and cuddling. That’s something I cannot do with Wesley (lol) for various reasons…. and it is something I share with Jarrod, which makes my friendship with him special. I enjoy gay chit chat with Eddie. I never knew I needed that till I had it. It’s kind of like you can live without a DVR, but once you have one you can never live without it! I’ve just had a lot of realizations lately.

I miss my buddy, I love my mother, I’m thinking of all the people in Nashville, and I promise to write more soon…….

xoxo,
D. 

Down the Rabbit Hole.

Down the rabbit hole I go. Falling into an unknown. Falling hard, fast, into this dark hole. Falling fast with the wind hitting my hair. Falling down will take me there -

I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. I am faced with obstacles for my learning benefits. I am looking at everything in my life and evaluating each part individually. One step at a time. One part at a time. One day at a time.

This week has been one of the hardest in a long time for various reasons. You know what though, I made it through it. I am alive. I am smiling. I am me. I haven’t figured out why I was faced with each obstacle yet, but I know deep down inside that they have all happened for a reason. I will end up where I should with more knowledge than last week. I keep reminding myself to not expect anything from anyone at any given moment. I keep reminding myself to be selfless, to love fully, to be passionate, to be strong, to be me, and most importantly to be aware and there for myself.

I am thinking towards my future and my goals. This year has been dedicated to my health and body. I am moving towards that goal. I wonder where I shall go next? I need to set another goal as I get closer to finishing this goal, but should I wait to think about it? Should I just think about it now and plan to make it a goal? I’m not sure. I don’t want to stress or overwhelm myself, but I have to keep moving forward. What do I want out of life? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to take along with me? Distance is only that. Distance. Miles. 

So here I go. I continue to fall, get back up, learn and move on. I am alone in this life. I have no twin attached to my hip. I have no family. My ‘best friends’ circle is small; and it keeps getting smaller. 

Falling down this dark long rabbit hole - I hope you all are finding inspiration, or… are taking something from these blogs, from these ramblings, from my life experiences that are documented here. I hope you all know that as much as I am me; always me - that I am there for you. Always there for others, 100%.

Eating your emotions and choking on mine.

They fill my mind, heart, and soul. Usually with amazing force. A force I wish I could control but I can’t. Basically that means that I cannot control my emotions. They are like a roller coaster. Sometimes I feel crazy. I wonder if this is what drove Britney to shave her head. I wonder if I could have survived her life. Those pressures.

I wonder what life has in store for me. I sit here running through so many things and I do it alone. If I share them with people I feel like they judge me. If I continue to pour them onto just one person that has never judged me then that person will grow old of my roller coaster.

I am and will always at the end of the day be alone. I wake up alone. I shower alone. I drove around alone. I eat alone daily. I drove home alone. I go to sleep alone. I am surrounded by people, but some of the things that should be filled with conversation, cuddling, sex, excitement… they are all done, alone.

When I was younger I was alone a lot. My mother was a single mom trying to keep our rent paid and lights on. I was an only child. I was poor and fat. I didn’t have friends. I played alone. I cooked for myself. I got into computers and games because that is all I had. Then came TV and music. I do not blame my mother at all because when she was there she was there full force. In my high school years I was surrounded by friends all the time. I loved that. I miss it. 

So I feel super emotional lately and I have no where to turn. So I turn to this blog. Maybe through writing here it reaches someone else so they don’t feel so alone. So they see that others are out there going through emotions. Not always bad ones, not always amazing ones. This year has been amazing. I love every moment of it. Today I didn’t feel myself. Yesterday I felt even less like me. 

My new apartment is beautiful. It is lacking some things that still need to happen, but in time those things will fall into place. I still need to paint my room. I need to hang some photos. But the most important thing that this place is missing is the adventure. I am in a routine. Wake up, shower, work, lunch, work, come home, face book, twitter, tan, work out, shower, bed. Daily. repeat. I’ve gone here and there. Shopped. Walmart. But I miss the slumber parties, the trips to the ghetto at night, driving home at sunrise. iHop. The texting. The random chats. The complete comfortableness and happiness. 

I never thought I would say that I miss my mothers house, but I do. I miss the room I was in. I miss the house in general. I love my new place, and I thought it was just because I’d only been here a week or two, but… maybe it isn’t that. My mind is racing with so many topics. I’ve been holding back. I am not even sure if people read these. I talk on twitter and feel like there is no response. I feel like there is no communication. 

This blog entry is all over the place. I apologize. My mind is working like that right now. Up and down, over, and around… upside down. left. right. Just like a roller coaster. I am tired. I feel my eyes becoming really heavy. Before I click “create post” and call it a night I wanted to say…

I haven’t been able to weigh myself, but I feel like I gained a pound or two recently. It’s not always about the number really, but I feel inches larger. I haven’t eaten the way I was this week and that is it. I have to get back onto my path. I need to find the passion deep inside and keep going. Not that I really need to, but I really want to. I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be healthy and thin. I am a confident person on the shell, but deep down inside I am horrified by me. I love myself for me, but hate myself for my body. No one wants me and maybe that is because I don’t want me, but ultimately it comes down to weight. 

Things I never thought I’d share here. I feel better saying it. Maybe I won’t talk about these things to anyone other than you all. Whoever you all is. We all have those moments and days where we feel like shit. It’s been a couple of days, maybe a week, since I felt not like shit. I need to walk my walk. I need to keep going. 

The funny thing is one day when my outside matches my inside and I start getting the attention that I deserve… I’ll be getting attention from people that never would have given it before. There will be games. Fake. I will be apart of everything that I hate about relationships, love, sex, and body image. I fear that. I think that is why I haven’t worked so hard to become what I was meant to be. Because I want no part of that. I remember how amazing my mother felt when she lost all of her weight, but then I remember her telling me how ironic it was that people started paying attention to her just because she was thin. I want that so bad, yet… I don’t.

If you can’t see me now then do not be surprised if I won’t see you later.

I guess I just wish I had someone to lay next to and be with. I wish I had someone that looked at me the way I looked at them. I wish I had someone that accepted me for me now and later. I wish I had my mother a mile away instead of a thousand. I wish I wasn’t alone. Empty hearted.

I wish a lot. I dream even more. How many dreams have you made a reality?