Colorful Inception.

Some say that you don’t dream in color. I know I didn’t. Life had no goal or plan till I met you. Maybe this is my late night thought process to you, and you’re asleep. Maybe I’m just filled with love and thanks and this is my way to express it, again.

I just saw inception. Great movie. Don’t really care to explain it to you, nor do I want to ruin it… but it is an amazing movie. Go see it. I feel like this movie shows how my mind works. I work on many layers. My mind is always moving, even when time is going by in slow motion. It’s amazing. That was a SN (side note) by the way.

Back on topic. See. My mind ran! ahh! 

Seriously. I remember a time when life was black and white and so were my dreams. Now I see a future so vivid in color I run for it. Life is amazing that way. How things happen for reasons that make no sense till chapters down the road. Eddie told me his master plan that involved me. I’m moved. He is simply amazing. That man is filled with love, understanding, and intelligence beyond words. No one will ever fully understand that, but me. A thank you is not nearly enough. Today I found myself wrapped up in my head and more than usual. I’m frustrated on many levels, but then I saw it clearly. Every sign on this road points in the right direction. I’m moving forward and never behind. No stops on this road. I’m excited.

When I look at all of you I look deep inside. I find meaning. I make connections. I wonder. I then try to extract the best in everyone. I care, too much. I’ve realized that sometimes not caring is the best policy. I need to work on that more, for myself. I found my first subject in this. One of many, I am sure. So. Moving forward I will not care about him anymore. I don’t care where he is, who he is with, or what he is doing. Why? Because I see that he never cared. I see this all in full color and it is filled with red. Before the black and white was hard to see through. Ha.

The movie is amazing. Eddie is very important. Work does not matter. I have a plan. I will execute this. My path is there, I just need to walk it. I miss and love my mother. I will find power in my prayer, tonight. I am done with him.

xoxo,
D. 

Failures.

The term fail is used a lot these days. I hear it daily. Everything from the fail blog, the fail jokes, the economy, and so much more. When did it become such a normal thing? When did it make sense to use it so much. When we use it this much does it make failing and labeling it as a failure mean less? Is that why we use it so much - so that way when you fail and actually should label it … it hurts less? We laugh it off. After all ‘epic fail’ - hehehe? right. Right?

I don’t fail much. That does not mean that I am perfect at all, but when something I do is a true failure and it then affects those around me… well.. then… that is a fail. I’ve failed. I am mature enough to recognize it. I am strong enough to state it. 

I’ve been so not myself that I haven’t wanted to write. Sometimes, even though I am an open book (or blog - whatever), things are private. I’m not embarrassed about this failure at all, but rather disappointed in myself. At some point in the crazy of today I realized I needed to write about it. To express myself. I could let go. I can pick up the pieces. Move on. Maybe in doing so I will help others. Maybe someone reading this has been where I am, or could be going there now. Maybe I will make it all better for someone else, too.

Everything happens for a reason. When I look back down the path I’ve walked I realize now that each turn on the way lead me to where I am today. I often wonder how the current situations I find myself in will lead down a new path and if one day I will look back and think to myself that it makes perfect sense, but then it didn’t. Is that my mind wanting to make sense of the series of events that make up my life? Is that me wanting to justify everything I’ve done to validate where I am? I ask too many questions. Don’t I? I seek answers and my brain processes everything you’ve read so far in a matter of a few quick moments. I don’t think I’m a genius. I don’t think I’m crazy. I just think. A lot.

My current event - my car. I love my car. The independence, the adventures, the memories, the money, the time, the shine, the hot leather, the windows down… the windows up. So far this year I’ve been faced with road blocks. As I continue on this 2010 journey with a smile, with new adventures, with new memories, with check points made… I’ve still hit at least one good block a month. Those around me either help me (and usually they don’t know they are helping), or they support me. Without support and help I am afraid. This is why I have learned how to appreciate what I have, what I don’t have, and who is there for it all. This is why I’ve cut people out of my life. This is why when people cut me out of theirs I don’t mind. My world is a happy one. I’m proud of that. I am, however, not at all proud to say that I was behind on my car payment. Money after money road block has hit. Each month. Sometimes I wonder in my mind ‘ok, it’s June… what now’… and this month it is devoted to the car.

I paid. The bank fucked up. They hate me. I have no excuse. No sorry. I’ve learned a lesson here, though. I’ve learned that having a nice car is great, but not if it means no food. Not if it means no doctors visit because you just don’t have the money - this month. It is a really long long story. It ends in last Monday they came to take the car. What does that mean? It means that I need to budget my money better. It means that I’m a statistic. It means that I have to go in person and show proof of things. It means I had to rely on others. I’ve been driving for 8 or so years, had my own car for about 7 of that. I’ve never had to rely on a ride. To ask for a ride. To borrow a car. I feel completely and utterly helpless. I’m paid up on the car, and I guess if I go down to the bank and beg and plead they’ll let me have the keys back. The guy that came to take it was treating me like I was a sack of shit. I asked him very respectfully and nicely to just spare me the talk. To spare me the yelling. To not be forceful. To be respectful in return. He wasn’t. Being a diabetic I’ve learned to control my emotions in high stress times, because if I didn’t… I’d fall out. Stress does one of two things to most if not all diabetics: 1. lowers your sugar. 2. raises your sugar levels. Mine is and probably will always be lowers. When you come at me and freak me out I breathe different. I try to calm myself from within. At some point this guy say it. He stopped. He realized I wasn’t the guy not paying child support, living in the car, and not paying for the car, and smoking crack. I am the hard working, over spending, guy with nail polish. I wasn’t going to get in the car and run. I just needed a ride to get my insulin prescription. No joke. He caught me as I was leaving to go to CVS. I’m beyond reliving that moment in my life where I felt true failure. Where I knew I let myself down, and everyone else around me. Where I knew my mother would have that tone in her voice that breaks my heart. Where I knew I’d be thinking “I wonder if people inside work are now gossiping…”…

You live. You learn. You get back up again. You carry on. You realize things in situations that you were previously blind to. You feel. You care.

I’m moving forward with an action plan. If I want to be where I want to be in a year, in two years… I have to make changes. I have to have passion and desire.

It’s funny. All of this negative energy that has hit me month after month has not changed my mindset. All of this negative energy has been a direct result of my past depressions. Things snow balled out of control then, and I never dealt with them. I felt like life would be over, so why care? Why deal? Why work for it? Then you come to a clearing in the darkness and you find passion, life, energy… and you start to pay for those mistakes during your darkest hours. Ironic. It had to happen for me to be this strong.

I have to say thank you to my friends that have been there for me. To the ones that have reached out without me saying a word. To those that know this time has been a trying one. To those that just gave me hugs daily. Thank you. Thank you for all of that and more. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for being there for me. Just thank you. Thank you for your friendship and it’s 100% true meaning to my soul, mind, and heart.

In this moment as I type this I realize now why. I realize this is a check point, and not a road block.

True.

Be true to yourself, always. I’ve always known this but rarely followed it.

Growing up I focused time and energy to my mannerisms. Focused on combating them. I knew I was loved at home, but in school I feared for myself daily. I feared that people would make more fun of me if I were gay. So many times I played an actor. I spent years doing this. I spent high school dressing a specific way. I tried to fit in. I tried to hide my weight. I told people what they wanted to hear, even if it was not me. I was not me. I look back and see how I waste so much time and energy being something I was not. I should have embraced me. I should have been myself. You live, you learn.

You have to stay true to yourself, your dreams, and your life. I am so proud of myself and the people around me. I watch people chase their dreams, achieve their goals, and live their lives to the fullest.

I watch people like Chris push for a dream in the arts. I am so proud of the things that he and the Framing Hanley guys have done. I am excited to see what this next album will do for them. I am excited to see the photos and hear the stories. I am excited for them to go overseas! I love when he is home for so many reasons and I know Krystl agrees. I love seeing her face lite up when his name is mentioned. I love seeing them together. I know she will face some lonely nights ahead, but I hope she stays true to her heart in knowing that he will come home. 

I’m proud of Amanda for leaving something behind that she knew was not good for her, and driving full force ahead into a new adventure in something that she does like. I’m proud of her for taking chances and dreaming big. I want to be there for every step of the way and help in any way possible. She deserves the best - she is worth it. My mom did the same thing, and the times can be hard, but she always tells me how rewarding her decisions are. Even the scariest, most stressful ones. I hope Amanda looks back at these times and feels the same way. Nothing worth something comes easy. 

I am in envy of Jarrod. He’s going to leave behind home and pursue his dream in New York City. That takes courage and determination. I wish him many successes and I hope we remain connected forever. I cannot wait to see how it all develops.

Truth. True - True feelings and emotions and self awareness came this year. More than ever this year has been my year. I haven’t won the lottery, I am not making 100,000 a year, but I have won in some many ways. I’m thankful. Thankful that I am me. Thankful that I am being true to myself. That I am being myself. That I am supported. That I am loved. 

I owe so much of this year to my best friend, Eddie. I value our talks. I value our bond. I value him. We had this amazing 3 hour conversation last night. I cried. We laughed. I feel like we feed off of and equally contribute to each other in such a positive way. I’m so thankful for that. I could go on and on about our conversation last night here, but much of it would not make sense to anyone but us. I remember it all. It was our first significant talk since his return and it was much needed and over due. I love him.

At the end of this day I am realizing more than ever that I am now true to myself and my friends. I am proud of myself and everyone around me. I love that I am supported and supporting. 

My advice to anyone reading: Let go and be true to yourself. It is the most rewarding feeling. Freedom. Love. Power. Live and dream. Dream to live. Just do it.

Therapy is a good thing.

Maybe it is time to seek the professional advice of a therapist, or maybe I can continue with friends. They really do know me best, but it only helps if they are completely honest in a situation. Without their honesty I’m just getting rubbish.

Tonight a gate was lifted. One that I knew how to lift on my own, but really never wanted to. Now that the gate is up and open I feel vulnerable. I feel exposed. I feel many things. I don’t know if it is sadness. I had a very open and public conversation with Eddie, a new friend named Lee, and Chris. Chris is such a wise person. He says it is just him stating the unsaid, but it takes intelligence to do that and also to pick up on the unsaid. I appreciate a people watcher that watches, picks up, and then helps. I think Chris doesn’t realize how much some people value that. I think he is amazing. Thanks Mr. Crocker. ;)

The gate that was opened. What was said. The realization: I will always be Dustin. Eddie will always be Eddie. We’re amazing friends. We’re family. We however, won’t ever be anything more. I won’t wake up next to him and smile. I won’t have a future of endless romance and passion. I won’t feel a constant high. We’re not going down that path. I think I always knew that. He did. We’ve been honest, it has been said. He’s dating a really nice guy that he cares deeply for. I’m accept of it. Now it is time for me to move on.

Moving on is a hard thing to do. I am not sure how to really accomplish that. I really don’t want to accomplish it, but for the sake of my heart I have to. Realizing that is … something hard. Realizing it is something sad. I’m taking time off for me.

I might not write for a moment. I’m ok. I will be ok. We’ll be fine. I just need a moment. Please understand.

You can’t help who you love. You can’t turn off that. You can only accept it and move on. Moving on is a process.

Next chapter of the book. This last one was a long one. Hmmmm…

xoxo, D.

Game on.

Game on, but not in the sense of a bad mind game. Totally in the sense of the plan, the path, the passion. Every once in a while someone changes everything in your world for the better and you forever are thankful for them. Every now and then someone makes you feel special. When you find someone that does that for you; never let them go. Always keep communication open. For sure tell them what they mean to you so they know it for fact. 

Tonight was full of amazing. First, I had a delicious dinner with Krystl and Chris. Then Krystl mixed drinks for us all and after a long day it was the perfect ending! Mixed with some “wheel of fortune” fun… perfect. I love those two so much. It’s always real and fun with them. Always.

Then I come home and have this amazing 3-4 hour talk with Eddie. I feel on top of the world again, and it’s lovely. Super lovely. It was good to just talk talk with him. It’s what makes us so great; the talks. A gate was lifted and we both are running full force out of the gate and into life. Amazing.

I feel like my thought out plan was to ultimately write a book. I feel like it still is that, but I made a realization just now in my mind that maybe Eddie will help me write it, or write my story in my words but with his skill. He’s an amazingly talented write. I write here freely of my mind but I am not sure if this type of write is exactly what would inspire the masses. Or if I can truly capture what I need to say in all of my words. I feel like I need more words. Assistance. Maybe that is what Eddie can assist me in doing; capturing my vision and putting it on paper.

I’m smiling right now.

I’m at peace right now.

I’m not alone.

I’m not moody.

I’m passionate.

I have goals.

I have talents.

I have purpose.

I have friends.

I’m full of love.

I am thankful.

I am blessed.

Good night. Until next time.

xoxo, D.

Hypocrites.

I was unaware, and when I say that I really do mean it, that some of my friends were the biggest hypocrites ever.

I remember slowly telling those that I felt 100% comfortable with that I was gay. I remember that the circle of friends around me got bigger and bigger. I remember telling, slowly, more and more people. Then I woke up one day and decided that throwing a themed party and just telling all my friends in one room would be easier for us all. It would be the Hollywood Hames way of doing anything. A party. Do it big, loud, and fun… that’s me.

I know that sharing this information with a few people only put those people in somewhat of a hard place. Other friends would ask or assume. They would say “I wish he would just say it! He’ll be so much happier - FREE!” and those friends that knew 100% would probably just smile and agree; knowing with 100% fact that I was happy and free. I never felt like it was something to advertise (being gay). It’s not a big deal. I realize it started to slowly become a big deal. It was like a hype of sorts. I remember how planning this party was fun. It was a black and white party. Everyone had to wear black and white. We laughed. We drank. We danced. We sang. It really was an amazing evening of fun. Everyone was there.

At some point during this party the “announcement” was made. I just said it. I felt silly saying it because so many people assume. So many knew. It was, however, amazing to just… say it. I wasn’t faced with anything but love. I felt safe. I felt blessed that so many of my friends loved and cared for me. That they just did not care. They all come from different parts of life, cities, backgrounds… but they all came together with love. I remember that.

I was blinded by that. All of that. Blinded by the feelings of love and compassion, and friendship. Blinded? Why? Because almost two years later to the date I put the pieces to a huge puzzle, that I didn’t know existed, together. I was having an amazing heart to heart talk with two of my best friends. We were talking about current feelings, past feelings, frustrations, vacations, happy times, high school… we were just talking about life. It was an amazing talk. During this chat I puzzled some pieces together. I realized that a few of my “friends” that were TOTALLY cool with me and hanging out in groups or alone with me, were distant in the last year or two. In my mind I thought it was factors that caused this like… schedules, school, work, personal life. I just thought “Hmm. I miss these people. I gotta find a way to bring them into my life again!” and in my talk I said that. I got a huge wake up after talking through it. Piecing the time frames together. Hearing about a conversation that went down in a large group of my friends. A conversation that once I knew about it made me feel proud of a friend or two, but completely saddened by others.

My friends love me. My real friends know that I am NO different from before knowing and after knowing. I have always loved Britney Spears. I have always never been that into sports. I have done the fashion/makeup thing for 4-5 years now. I have always told my friends (male or female) when they look nice, cute, etc. I’ve always been in tune with the people around me. However, for some of these friends that found no issue with me, loved being around me, wanted me to be “free and happy”, and made assumptions about if I was gay or not… all of a sudden are not comfortable with being around me because now they know 100%.

Hypocrites. 

I feel completely hurt. I feel upset. I feel stupid. This has been weighing on my heart and mind for a week or so now. I was so angry and upset that I couldn’t think. I was so shocked that I couldn’t type. Now a part of me is just sad for them. Sad that they aren’t experiencing me. I was the same person before they know 100% as I was once they knew 100%. It is their loss. I realize that. All of this emotion and thought into this blog is because I cannot believe I was blind for nearly two years about this. I cannot believe that I felt so happy and excited that I was the “lucky” one who had such amazingly compassionate and caring friends. Then one day the puzzle is finished. I then saw the big picture. I just didn’t like what I saw.

I guess I could have it worse. I could have some friends that would turn on me so bad that they’d harass me or drag me behind some truck and kill me. I could be that guy. I’m not. But maybe knowing where I stood and not thinking “What did I do?????” for such a long time would have been better, too. I now know why I get the “I’m busy” replies, if even that, to my texts or invites to hang out. I get it. I won’t bother you any longer.

I’m so very thankful for the nonjudgmental people in my life. For the caring people. For the honest people. I could name names but that isn’t fair to everyone I know. I know so many amazing people that my mind would slip and forget a name, and it could be you. And each and every one of you mean the world to me even if I don’t mean the world to you…

So. I sit here with a clear mind and heart. Ready to share all the love that I can. I think of some of the issues my friends face and all though they are all different issues I feel like the people I am closest to are the ones that can relate in some way with what I face……………..

With love, compassion, honesty, and 100% me,
xoxo. Dustin 

The Independence.

The feeling of independence to me was my car. I could get in the car I was paying for and drive. Take trips. Get out. Go far or short. I could do so much with the independence of my car. Now. That car feels less important in my feeling of true independence. Now the apartment is my sanctuary. I can do what I want when I want. It is beautiful. I feel proud. I feel amazing.

Monday morning was super crazy. I intended on going to sleep after some light packing after that last blog I wrote, but fate didn’t work that way. Fate brought my friend McHugh into the picture. McQ as we call him, was my first best friend here in TN. He was the one I spent that entire first summer with. We both just moved into a brand new community. He was the same age as me. We lived three houses apart. It was amazing. It was the best night the other night… a closing of a book. It included my first best friend. How perfect. We talked about the old times, the current times, and the future. I walked down to his house which I hadn’t done in years. Not since I had that freedom of a car… wow. It was just what I needed that night. With that being said… I didn’t go to sleep till way late and I over slept!!!! After I woke up super fast and got my shoes on and a hat I ran around like a mad person and got my car loaded and my step dad’s van loaded. We headed 20 minutes into town to my new apartment. After getting there JT was there waiting for us. Eddie pulled up. Me and Eddie went in and signed it all. Document after document. We then paid our first months rent. We got keys to the work out, tanning, and pool… then we got keys to the apartment. We smiled. Once outside we slapped each other a high-five and got into our cars. As we started to drive back to our building I ran into Krystl. She was on her way to work. She got out and I cheered and we hugged. Knowing that she will be so close (they’re across the parking lot!! HEHE!) makes me sooooooo excited. I love having Krystl in my life and her being that close makes it perfect. After driving back we got out. Smiled. He had the lease in his hands and I had the keys in mine. My step dad and JT held back to give us that first moment in the apartment…

The moment we walked in is the moment my life changed. Feeling proud. Feeling independent. Feeling safe. Feeling happy. Feeling excited. Feeling everything rush through me. I was sleepy. I looked like shit… but in that moment I felt alive. I felt … perfect. We ran through each room. We talked. We laughed. We were smiles. I couldn’t be happier doing this with my best friend. We made a video (which I am working on getting up on YouTube. - hopefully tomorrow or Sat!) … and then we flagged the step dad and JT up to get the ball rolling.

The move itself was not horrible at all. Nothing was broken or lost. It all happened in 4 short hours. I made three trips total to the old house. Eddie made three, too, I believe. Chris showed up to help, too! He ended up assisting Eddie with some of his larger stuff. Without Chris, Eddie would be sleepin’ on the floor! (well he’d totally be able to chill in my room, but you get the point!)… so…

Thank you to Chris. Thank you to JT. Thank you to my step dad. Without you three amazing men me and Eddie would still be moving crap!

JT was funny. He would have unpacked ALL my boxes if I wouldn’t have told him to stop!!! lol. He hooked up the ps3 (because that was ‘essential’) and did so much more for me than I expected. I love him. Chris and JT carried my huge heavy TV. I owe them. heh. Without my step dad’s van … wow. I’d have to fork out a lot for a u-haul! I think my step dad was proud. Apparently he told my mother “wow. I’m shocked at how nice of a first place he got himself”.. :) That made my heart warm. He also said nothing but nice things about JT, Chris, and Eddie. That also made my heart warm.

After everyone left… Amanda showed up! Amanda went to Walmart with me for that “first trip” to get stuff we needed to survive in this apartment. haha! We had a blast going through and she kept me calm. “Don’t worry. This trip is the expensive one. Getting the stuff you need. You won’t have to do this again!”… I never realized how the odds and ends that you need add up. $76.00 even spent at Walmart. Not too bad. I consider it kinda lucky and neat that it was even, no change. hmm. :) Then I went and experienced JET’S PIZZA. First time ever. Amanda’s gift to me and Eddie. She gave us dinner! We went back and talked, hung out, eat pizza. It was the perfect ending to such a crazy day.

The only thing that happened that I wish hadn’t was our brand new washer leaked water all over our laundry room and into the kitchen. Glad we got hard wood flooring and glad Eddie’s clothes were in the floor soaking it all up! HAHA! The next day the apartment complex fixed it. A loose hose. Go figure! heh.

After we were alone… we realized how tired we were. Off to sleep we went. The first night in our new place. The first night of Independence. It was amazing. The next two days involved a trip to walmart. Loud music. Dinner with friends. Laughing in the living room floor. Movies (District 9 and Mean Girls!) and a slumber party. So far this is the most amazing experience of my life…

I hope this continues… this feeling of accomplishment. Pride. Excitement. Laughs. Fun. Great friends…

xoxo,
Dustin

ps. Videos are coming soon!!! I’m back at work :( BOO! and they’ll have to wait till tomorrow or the next after I’m off. <3 <3

The Last Night. A New Tomorrow.

Tonight is the last night that I will be spending in the house I have called home for 11 years. I still remember the first night in this house. I remember how big this room felt. How the new house smell was. I remember my mom making popcorn and watching a movie with me. I remember wondering what walking to school would be like. I remember getting out of the car and manually lifting the garage door. I remember the straw in our yard because there was no grass yet. I remember we did not have a mailbox built yet. I remember thinking this was the nicest place I had ever lived in.

11 years later. I look around and feel like this place is small. I feel like I have done a lot of work around this house in the past 11 years. The bathroom cleanings. Cutting the grass. Putting in light bulbs. The movie nights with all my friends. The laughs. The tears. Picking out the paint color for my room and bathroom. Hanging photos. 11 years later I find this home to be empty. My mother is gone. Soon this house won’t be my home.

In 9 hours I sign a lease on my first apartment. Eddie and I are getting our home. We’ll paint. We’ll cook. We’ll shop. We’ll decorate. We’ll fight over where this mirror that I own goes (he wants it in his room; PUH-LEASE!) hehe. We’ll laugh. We’ll cry. We will do so many amazing things together. We’ll grow. This is the next chapter in my life and I couldn’t be more excited to be opening up this book with Eddie. I feel very lucky that I have someone who gets me completely. Who looks at me with nonjudgmental eyes. Who is just as excited about this new chapter as me.

Tomorrow is going to be fast paced. It is going to be very crazy. It is going to be fun. It will be emotional. It will be a very long day. It will be the best day. It is going to be the first page in this new and very exciting chapter. All of that is tomorrow. Tonight, however, as I pack the last few boxes. As I prepare things for the morning move… tonight is the last night.

I find myself extremely excited and yet very emotional about it all. Both in good and sad ways. I am so excited to wake up and dive into tomorrow and get it all there to the new place. To sit down and be surrounded by all our stuff. To start to unpack. To eat our first dinner. To drink our first drink. To laugh. To make a video or two. And then on the other hand I find myself not wanting to sleep. To look around and reflect. To sit on my bed and just sit. To be here. 11 years is a long time to call a place home. Some people never have that. Some people move each year to a new house, or even city. Some people never live in a nice home in a great community. Some people are homeless. I am one of the lucky people that got to call a house a home for 11 years. That 11 years shaped the person that I am, and this next year will shape the person I become.

As much as I hate some of the recent events with my mother and feel like things are a little different, and I know that will get better in time… I really do wish she was here. I want to hug her. I want her to know how proud and thankful I am that this house was my home. I want her to know that she is an amazing mother and woman. She is strong. She is smart. She is passionate. She is selfless. I want her to be here to share stories. I wonder what her memories of this home are. I wonder if she remembers the first night.

Here I go… the last night. Everything tonight has a “the last time I’ll…” do whatever in this home. I stop. I soak it in. I realize that it is the last night. The last time. I then smile and know that tomorrow is full of firsts. First set of keys to my own place… so many firsts. I cannot wait.

***************************

I was typing this and had to stop because of a phone call from Eddie. We talked for ever till phones died. It was another check point with us and a realizations were made. He has goals. I have goals. We are working together, but in the end… everyone is alone in their fight for their life. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and into becoming an individual. This is scary and amazing all at the same time. We’re like Batman and Robin. We’ll be there for each other but continue to be individuals living life to the fullest. Who knows where this chapter will take us. I know that this will lead us both down a path of amazing opportunities and changes. We will accomplish a lot together. That makes me super excited and happy.

The Last Night. A New Tomorrow.

Until next time,
xoxo. Dustin

Cannot put into words…

It’s funny how emotions drive every aspect of your daily life. People love to feel. I love to say “I feel like…” and that single phrase has changed my life.

Try it. When talking to someone and you want to say it but you just can’t get it out. Say “I feel like…” and drag it out. Then, like some kind of stepping stool so you can reach that super high shelf way up high… you can speak. You can say how you really feel. At least that is how that phrase has worked for me.

However, in that rare occasion that the phrase does not work, because it doesn’t sometimes… rarely… anyway… When that happens and you’re with someone you care about sometimes it is best to have to type/write it down or out. At the same time as the other person. Then press send at the same time. It’s the hardest thing to do because you’re fearing what they are thinking but you know what they are feeling and thinking but the fear that you’re wrong… oh my. It’s tense. It’s confusing. But hitting send it like jumping from the plane. Being 100%. Feeling completely comfortable. Safe. Equal. Excited… can be so perfect.

I jumped from the plane last night and I landed on my feet. It was amazing.

So when that phrase “I feel like…” still cannot put it into words for you, then you type it. Once it’s typed and the send button clicked. The pen put down. Inked in. The paper sliding your way. That feeling. The rush. It being what you thought. Either with a simple word or two or just one simple symbol to symbolize the words.

Everything does happen for a reason. When I look back on the events in my life I cannot help but connect the dots. I’m starting to see the big picture for my life. It’s getting clearer now. I wonder if this is how everyone does it? Their inspirations and aspirations to do and be what they want and achieve what they want is driven by this connecting of the dots of how things happen for a reason?

I am so very excited about it all.

At the end of what has felt like the longest week and craziest events… It was all well worth it to get to today.

I love you.

Seeing you learn through your eyes…

Watching you think. Then smile. Then look serious….. it seeing you learn through your eyes about you. It’s the most interesting thing ever and that is why I am smiling. :)

The Best Birthday Ever.

I find myself sitting here at 11:24pm reflecting on the last 24 hours. I also just thought about how 24 years ago on 11:33pm my mother had me. How her life and her life path changed, forever. I also reflect on my life and the path I was on, the path I am now, and how that affects me and everyone in between.

In the last month I have found something that has turned my life around. I’ve hit check points. I’ve made changes. I am changing. All positive. I look to the future with dreams and passion. I feel like I have someone that will stand by me through all these dreams sharing their own with me, too. For the first time in 24 years I feel like I have purpose. Everything happens for a reason.

Yesterday. I went to dinner with Eddie, Amanda, Wesley, Krystl, Chris, Rachel, JT, John, Matt, and Mark. It was a perfect dinner. Surrounded by the people I love most. That love me most. We ate, we drank, we laughed. Krystl fed me some liquor. Some DAMN good liquor. It made me warm; literally. I didn’t mind standing outside in the cold while we chatted and smoked. I was warm for so many reasons. I felt like I was the luckiest boy ever. I was filled with love. I was filled with some liquor. I was warm. Warmth is amazing on a cold evening. We went to Rachel & JT’s after that. Looked through some photos, watched some TV, had a drink, laughed. It felt. Right. It felt comfortable. It was nice. No over the top party, no crazy night out on the town… it was perfect.

Last night. Going to Eddie’s house to pick up stuff then off to my house. Funny how we ended up here and not there or over there! where? WHAT? Regardless we ended up at my house. We talked. We drank. We took photos. We attempted to watch the EXORCIST, but I fell asleep first. Then he didn’t want to watch the scary parts alone. I woke up with a smile. It was my Birthday. I was next to my best friend. I was content.

Today. Talking, laughing, music. Facebookin’, then off to get food. After some minor talking on Eddie’s part we started to overhaul my mom’s house. His idea. We cleaned, and cleaned. Got rid of stuff that was clearly not needed. We jammed to music. We talked. It was perfect. Cleaning with your best friend is not cleaning at all. It’s team work. It’s fun. I talked to my mom. I talked with my step dad. I got an amazing card from him. He’s actually an amazing guy. I’m thankful that my mom has someone that is loving and caring. He is my father. My phone call with my mom was great. Everything is preparing for the move that will happen soon, with her… and with me.

The Plan. I can officially say that the plan is to move into an apartment with Eddie on March 1st. We have a little over one month to prepare, lock into an apartment, pack, move, shop… and… just… accomplish it. There are some tiny bumps in the road recently that need to be addressed, but I know that whatever the outcome it is apart of this life journey and path. In the end. The plan is still on. :)

The Move. My mom is in Vegas. She’s in the process of moving. This is good for all. She’s going to be buying new stuff. I’ll be getting some of her old stuff. It helps me out. She doesn’t have to deal with moving so much crap. Today Eddie helped me start the process in my house. Next I’ll have to tackle the livingroom. Then my room. Then packing. Moving. Getting out. Donating old things.

After life calms down and during the next few weeks… my major check point will be to change my physical appearance. In one year from now I want to be the best me possible. I want to live life each day for that moment. I want to be free. Happy. I want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I want to be in total control of my diabetes. Before I never had the passion to do this for myself. Now. I have a passion. A drive. An inspiration. Someone that I look to with complete trust, love, and respect. My life was changed a few weeks ago and now it can never go back.

I will work out. I will eat better. I will still enjoy food. I will be aware of my health. I will treat it and my body with respect. I will have support through a few amazing friends. I am not doing this alone. I will get discouraged. You will pick me up. I will be sad. You will make me happy. I know all of this. That is why I can say it. Write it. Type it. Feel it. Live it. I’ve made some realizations about my self that only one person saw. It has changed me. I will write about life passionately as I feel it. I will have everything I have ever dreamt about. My life starts today.

I want to write a book. I want to inspire. I feel inspired.

All of these thoughts, feelings, conversations, laughs, moments, ideas, dreams, hugs, drinks, photos, gifts, friends… all of them. ALL of it. It is what has made this the most amazing Birthday.

xoxoxo,
Dustin

Check Point! - My Mother is amazing!

This is going to be a night I remember for ever.

I had a two hour and three minute conversation with my mother. We shared things we hadn’t before. I am now closer to her than ever. It is an amazing feeling. We understand each other. We’re growing together. She sees that I am happy. I am so very very happy. She now knows me. All of me. The me that I just couldn’t say before. Gay. (oh and by the way if you didn’t know, now you do. I’m gay. Calm down. It don’t change anything.) Not such a scary word after all. Not when my mom is who she is. Amazing. We have so much more to talk about. So much more to bond over. So many things are running through her head. I just wish that I could hug her right now. She’s coming home from Vegas in about three weeks. That means two things. I get to hug her. She gets to meet Eddie. I am so very excited about both. It puts a smile across my entire face right now thinking about it.

I just crossed the biggest check point that I will face in a while. It is amazing.

I actually have another piece of news that I want to share, but not until that moment is right. Once the moment hits I will be here on my computer telling you all. Just know that. March 1st, 2010 is the goal for a major change in my life.

xoxo,
Dustin

Another Check point; Best Friends, forever?

I have had my share of friends. I have had many that I hold close to my heart and consider best friends. When did it change? When does best friends forever become best friends or even just friends… and for a few nothing at all. I guess I am truly growing up and realizing how precious some of the moments in my life can be. How I value the people in my life; whatever their role is.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Well, ok, over thinking. I realize that I have used the ‘best’ friend title a little too much with people that honestly did not deserve it. Maybe in the past we once were and maybe it’s just this growing up and changing thing. This life thing. Maybe that is what it all is. All I know is I’ve always cared until now. I just cannot care anymore about people who do not care about themselves. People that are not honest about their demons. People that cannot be strong and face them. People who I have past memories with but no future.

The friend thing goes like this: You care for and would do anything for your best friend. You’re truly happy to see them happy. You’re interested in their life and happenings. All of this is a two way street. There is no one way street in a best friend relationship. I’ve realized with some people in my life that I have been going down a one way street. I guess once you start down that street it’s hard to turn around; it’s a one way after all. I have recently found a turning lane. Things are changing.

What does that mean? It means that I won’t apologize for you, me, or anything in between. I won’t stand by and watch you continue your path. I care. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a nice guy and right now we’re friends. However, I just can’t call you a best friend.

I’ve opened up to some of my friends lately. More than ever. I realize that they share my happiness with no hesitation. They see it in my eyes. My spirit. They care so much about me that it makes my head spin. To watch their eyes light up when I talk and smile. They are my best friends.

Check points. I’ve had a lot lately. These are moments in your life where it changes. Drastically. You learn about yourself and your surrounding. Usually for the better. With all of these check points I’ve had I feel like I am invincible. Fearless. Free.

I don’t feel like I have to name names in this blog. My best friends know who they are; especially recently. I have had moments with each of them that I will never ever forget. Moments that have molded our friendships stronger. Moments that truly make these people my best friends. If you feel me pulling back with you it’s because I found my turning lane. My exit ramp. You can ask me and I will be 100% honest with you. Maybe doing this will mold us closer? Probably not, but things do happen for a reason.

Do you all feel like you have moments of ‘check points’ where your world and your personal awareness change? Do you agree that a best friend relationship is like a two way street and if it becomes one way it’s probably the wrong way? Let me know.

I was told I am a one of a kind. I am realizing that in more than one way. I hope you come along for the ride.

xoxo,
Dustin