Puzzle pieces.

My life is a giant puzzle. Several giant puzzles. I guess you could look at life like that - a giant puzzle. You piece it together one piece at a time. Then you start to see the big picture. 

Have you ever knocked the puzzle off the table and watched all the pieces you worked so hard to get together fall apart? I just did. At my job I work in this large office with tiny little half walled cubicles. They are high enough to hide your work space but low enough to see people around you. It’s lovely. In my current seat position I have about 5-10 people/desks behind me in a row, but I overlook many desks and rows. I also see a wall of windows from across these desks I can see. It’s great. I’m near the back door and I have a space of my own. Before January I had several team members that I fully enjoyed seeing on a daily basis. My department had different schedules. Then January happened. My department changed a little and some of my dear friends left this building. Our schedules changed and I saw less and less of the people I truly value. Then Eddie happened. Eddie and his team was moved into the desks near me. That’s how our friendship started because he sat two desks away. We face each other. Today started the moving of teams and departments and desks. New schedules, too. Now Eddie is on the opposite side of the building. I won’t get to cheer him up when he’s on some bullshit call, and I won’t be cheered up from his genuine smile. This truly does suck. In a week or two I will be moving to a new area, too. This new area is the ONLY area in this building that has no views of the windows, has poor lighting, and is often the ‘forgotten’ area. Hell, I forget it is there all the time. Now I will stare at a blank blue wall for 8 hours each day. The kicker is in that area there are not enough desks so I will not have my own desk… each day I come in I’ll sit at a new seat. I have no sense of pride in my space anymore. I have no sense of home in a place where I spend most of my days. I will have no concept of this summer - is it raining? sunny? is it even daylight still? No windows. 

I realize to some that read this it may appear like I am being some huge cry baby about these changes, but my puzzle was put together and it was so beautiful. Now it has fallen off the table and I think I lost some pieces…

Not everything in my life is a puzzle that has fallen apart. There is this other puzzle I’ve been working on and it is amazing. It is full of the color red. This puzzle is an amazing friendship. I feel comfortable. I am surprised at how many people that I hold near and dear to my heart look at me with nonjudgmental eyes. I love that so many people see me for me. At the same time so many don’t. People I thought knew me and I thought I knew them have been surprising me with their judgement, their jealousy, and their lies. I was talking to Eddie and we were chatting about some one special to me, and I was telling him how we cuddled. I said I felt amazing because it was so close. There was no space in between and I really enjoyed that. He said “Like a puzzle?” and that has completely inspired my thoughts tonight. It was. I found myself laying next to someone that made me completely comfortable. Someone that looks at me and sees me. Someone that I enjoy spending time with. Someone that is very amazing. Now, this sounds like a puzzle of love. Doesn’t it? It is in some rights, but I am not falling in love. I’ll be tweeting and blogging and talking about all these amazing thoughts and feelings and I may mention his name. Actually, I know I will… but anyway, this is a total loving friendship. I find that I have more and more of these. I’m investing in quality people that mean something special to me in their own ways. Gone are the friendships of convenience or friendships or association. 

I don’t work the same schedules as my friends. We all have different off days. I don’t live near ALL my best friends. All of that is ok. I know they are there. We work together to make time to enjoy each other and that makes the friendship puzzles that more amazing. I am blessed. I am happy. I’m just really fucking bummed out about work. I think I am bummed out about work because it is such a big chunk of my days. 

I need to stay focused on myself and my plans and goals. I need to look through the negative changes and see all of the positive. I will be working the same schedule as Jarrod (see - already mentioned his name!) and that means we might be able to do lunch more and more. I’ll have to schedule more time with Eddie to have me and him hang out time - making that more special, too. I guess I can hang up my 10-12 Britney Spears posters on that giant blank wall, and since I won’t know which desk I will be at… I can hang one in front of EACH desk. Why? Because I might be at that seat one day and if I can’t see the outside beauty I will see the Britney beauty.

Life is a puzzle. Work is a puzzle. Friendships are puzzles. Love is a giant puzzle. But the best puzzle of all is the cuddle puzzle… being in someones arms is the best nights sleep I’ve had.

xoxo,
D. 

The Independence.

The feeling of independence to me was my car. I could get in the car I was paying for and drive. Take trips. Get out. Go far or short. I could do so much with the independence of my car. Now. That car feels less important in my feeling of true independence. Now the apartment is my sanctuary. I can do what I want when I want. It is beautiful. I feel proud. I feel amazing.

Monday morning was super crazy. I intended on going to sleep after some light packing after that last blog I wrote, but fate didn’t work that way. Fate brought my friend McHugh into the picture. McQ as we call him, was my first best friend here in TN. He was the one I spent that entire first summer with. We both just moved into a brand new community. He was the same age as me. We lived three houses apart. It was amazing. It was the best night the other night… a closing of a book. It included my first best friend. How perfect. We talked about the old times, the current times, and the future. I walked down to his house which I hadn’t done in years. Not since I had that freedom of a car… wow. It was just what I needed that night. With that being said… I didn’t go to sleep till way late and I over slept!!!! After I woke up super fast and got my shoes on and a hat I ran around like a mad person and got my car loaded and my step dad’s van loaded. We headed 20 minutes into town to my new apartment. After getting there JT was there waiting for us. Eddie pulled up. Me and Eddie went in and signed it all. Document after document. We then paid our first months rent. We got keys to the work out, tanning, and pool… then we got keys to the apartment. We smiled. Once outside we slapped each other a high-five and got into our cars. As we started to drive back to our building I ran into Krystl. She was on her way to work. She got out and I cheered and we hugged. Knowing that she will be so close (they’re across the parking lot!! HEHE!) makes me sooooooo excited. I love having Krystl in my life and her being that close makes it perfect. After driving back we got out. Smiled. He had the lease in his hands and I had the keys in mine. My step dad and JT held back to give us that first moment in the apartment…

The moment we walked in is the moment my life changed. Feeling proud. Feeling independent. Feeling safe. Feeling happy. Feeling excited. Feeling everything rush through me. I was sleepy. I looked like shit… but in that moment I felt alive. I felt … perfect. We ran through each room. We talked. We laughed. We were smiles. I couldn’t be happier doing this with my best friend. We made a video (which I am working on getting up on YouTube. - hopefully tomorrow or Sat!) … and then we flagged the step dad and JT up to get the ball rolling.

The move itself was not horrible at all. Nothing was broken or lost. It all happened in 4 short hours. I made three trips total to the old house. Eddie made three, too, I believe. Chris showed up to help, too! He ended up assisting Eddie with some of his larger stuff. Without Chris, Eddie would be sleepin’ on the floor! (well he’d totally be able to chill in my room, but you get the point!)… so…

Thank you to Chris. Thank you to JT. Thank you to my step dad. Without you three amazing men me and Eddie would still be moving crap!

JT was funny. He would have unpacked ALL my boxes if I wouldn’t have told him to stop!!! lol. He hooked up the ps3 (because that was ‘essential’) and did so much more for me than I expected. I love him. Chris and JT carried my huge heavy TV. I owe them. heh. Without my step dad’s van … wow. I’d have to fork out a lot for a u-haul! I think my step dad was proud. Apparently he told my mother “wow. I’m shocked at how nice of a first place he got himself”.. :) That made my heart warm. He also said nothing but nice things about JT, Chris, and Eddie. That also made my heart warm.

After everyone left… Amanda showed up! Amanda went to Walmart with me for that “first trip” to get stuff we needed to survive in this apartment. haha! We had a blast going through and she kept me calm. “Don’t worry. This trip is the expensive one. Getting the stuff you need. You won’t have to do this again!”… I never realized how the odds and ends that you need add up. $76.00 even spent at Walmart. Not too bad. I consider it kinda lucky and neat that it was even, no change. hmm. :) Then I went and experienced JET’S PIZZA. First time ever. Amanda’s gift to me and Eddie. She gave us dinner! We went back and talked, hung out, eat pizza. It was the perfect ending to such a crazy day.

The only thing that happened that I wish hadn’t was our brand new washer leaked water all over our laundry room and into the kitchen. Glad we got hard wood flooring and glad Eddie’s clothes were in the floor soaking it all up! HAHA! The next day the apartment complex fixed it. A loose hose. Go figure! heh.

After we were alone… we realized how tired we were. Off to sleep we went. The first night in our new place. The first night of Independence. It was amazing. The next two days involved a trip to walmart. Loud music. Dinner with friends. Laughing in the living room floor. Movies (District 9 and Mean Girls!) and a slumber party. So far this is the most amazing experience of my life…

I hope this continues… this feeling of accomplishment. Pride. Excitement. Laughs. Fun. Great friends…

xoxo,
Dustin

ps. Videos are coming soon!!! I’m back at work :( BOO! and they’ll have to wait till tomorrow or the next after I’m off. <3 <3

The Last Night. A New Tomorrow.

Tonight is the last night that I will be spending in the house I have called home for 11 years. I still remember the first night in this house. I remember how big this room felt. How the new house smell was. I remember my mom making popcorn and watching a movie with me. I remember wondering what walking to school would be like. I remember getting out of the car and manually lifting the garage door. I remember the straw in our yard because there was no grass yet. I remember we did not have a mailbox built yet. I remember thinking this was the nicest place I had ever lived in.

11 years later. I look around and feel like this place is small. I feel like I have done a lot of work around this house in the past 11 years. The bathroom cleanings. Cutting the grass. Putting in light bulbs. The movie nights with all my friends. The laughs. The tears. Picking out the paint color for my room and bathroom. Hanging photos. 11 years later I find this home to be empty. My mother is gone. Soon this house won’t be my home.

In 9 hours I sign a lease on my first apartment. Eddie and I are getting our home. We’ll paint. We’ll cook. We’ll shop. We’ll decorate. We’ll fight over where this mirror that I own goes (he wants it in his room; PUH-LEASE!) hehe. We’ll laugh. We’ll cry. We will do so many amazing things together. We’ll grow. This is the next chapter in my life and I couldn’t be more excited to be opening up this book with Eddie. I feel very lucky that I have someone who gets me completely. Who looks at me with nonjudgmental eyes. Who is just as excited about this new chapter as me.

Tomorrow is going to be fast paced. It is going to be very crazy. It is going to be fun. It will be emotional. It will be a very long day. It will be the best day. It is going to be the first page in this new and very exciting chapter. All of that is tomorrow. Tonight, however, as I pack the last few boxes. As I prepare things for the morning move… tonight is the last night.

I find myself extremely excited and yet very emotional about it all. Both in good and sad ways. I am so excited to wake up and dive into tomorrow and get it all there to the new place. To sit down and be surrounded by all our stuff. To start to unpack. To eat our first dinner. To drink our first drink. To laugh. To make a video or two. And then on the other hand I find myself not wanting to sleep. To look around and reflect. To sit on my bed and just sit. To be here. 11 years is a long time to call a place home. Some people never have that. Some people move each year to a new house, or even city. Some people never live in a nice home in a great community. Some people are homeless. I am one of the lucky people that got to call a house a home for 11 years. That 11 years shaped the person that I am, and this next year will shape the person I become.

As much as I hate some of the recent events with my mother and feel like things are a little different, and I know that will get better in time… I really do wish she was here. I want to hug her. I want her to know how proud and thankful I am that this house was my home. I want her to know that she is an amazing mother and woman. She is strong. She is smart. She is passionate. She is selfless. I want her to be here to share stories. I wonder what her memories of this home are. I wonder if she remembers the first night.

Here I go… the last night. Everything tonight has a “the last time I’ll…” do whatever in this home. I stop. I soak it in. I realize that it is the last night. The last time. I then smile and know that tomorrow is full of firsts. First set of keys to my own place… so many firsts. I cannot wait.

***************************

I was typing this and had to stop because of a phone call from Eddie. We talked for ever till phones died. It was another check point with us and a realizations were made. He has goals. I have goals. We are working together, but in the end… everyone is alone in their fight for their life. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and into becoming an individual. This is scary and amazing all at the same time. We’re like Batman and Robin. We’ll be there for each other but continue to be individuals living life to the fullest. Who knows where this chapter will take us. I know that this will lead us both down a path of amazing opportunities and changes. We will accomplish a lot together. That makes me super excited and happy.

The Last Night. A New Tomorrow.

Until next time,
xoxo. Dustin

8 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a few short hours I will be 8 days away from my moving date. March 1st I am going to sign a one year lease for an apartment. My first place. I am nervous about it because it is my first place. I will be without family here. I am overly excited because of those same things. I am looking forward to the gym on the grounds. The free tanning. The pool. I am so excited about all of those amazing things offered to me through the complex! I am excited to paint. I am excited to hang art that was made by me and Eddie. I’m just excited. I cannot wait to post a video and photos. I can’t wait to tweet that I got the keys. I am just… so… ready.

I won’t be all alone. I’m moving with Eddie and I couldn’t be any more excited to sharing a place with him. He’s amazing, but you all already knew that. Working on ourselves together and being there for each other is going to be perfect. I will have that rock when needed and that hand to push when needed, too. Same goes for him. We’ve got goals that we want to accomplish and starting March 1st we will begin that process of accomplishing our goals. We’ll also be living in the same complex as 4 of my best friends. I couldn’t be more excited about that as well. Just to swing by for ten minutes and say hey because they’re in the building across the way is … perfect.

8 days. In 8 days I will say good bye to the house that holds all my memories. Parties, Birthdays, Christmas’… slumber parties… movie nights…. backyard cook outs…. my dogs….. painting…. 11 years. That’s a long time to be in one spot. I made all my best friends in that neighborhood. It was my mothers first home. It was brand new. She was a single mom. It was our home. I will be a little sad. Sometime in the near future it will get sold. New people will move in. New memories will be made. I won’t be able to just go back and walk in and ‘remember’ the times I’ve had. I did a lot of growing up in that house, but I know that the next book in my life story will start with this move. I’ve been growing more in 2010 then I have in any year I’ve been a live. This year I have been a live. I have been passionate. I have wanted and made changes. I thank my friends. I thank my mother. I thank her new job and the changes it forced upon of all us.

In 8 days a book in my life ends. The last chapter is inked down for the printing. In 8 days I start to write in my new book. I start to tell a whole new story. I get to write this amazing life adventure story with someone that gets it all. Gets me. Someone I trust and have faith in. Someone that is just as excited as I am to learn, grow, and accomplish. To have fun and be fun.

I am excited….

I am ready….

xoxo,
Dustin

No Turning Back, now! :)

Cannot turn back time. Cannot make u-turns in this street. Cannot re-print these chapters. Moving forward. Excited. In a few short hours we’ll be doing what cannot be undone. I am giddy like a kid. I cannot sleep. I keep thinking about purple paint and where we’ll hang our wall art. I keep thinking about the future.

Best friends. Complete feelings. Honesty. Trust. Relationship. Family. Gray areas. Laughs. Smiles. Smells. Looks…….. over whelmed with complete happiness.

Today is the day.

Updates to follow…… later……. with photos…… :)

xoxo,
Dustin

Writing my next chapter in life.

I know lately all my posts have been gushing about my worries, my excitement, my happiness… and this blog post is no different.

Don’t get me wrong though I have had my lows over the last month. My worries. My thoughts do get dark sometimes. With that being said it is also very true that Eddie reassures me of everything. He listens. He processes. He then gives his advice. He uplifts. When you’re down and you have no one to lift you up when you need it most you just sink lower and lower. I am no longer sinking. I am floating. Flying even.

Onto the next chapter in my life. When and if I write a book about my life and it’s amazing journey so far I wonder how many chapters in it will be before I would get to pen this part of my life. The best part of my life so far. The most entertaining, interesting, educational… part of my life.

In this chapter of my life I am preparing to move into an apartment with Eddie. The entire month of February will be spent cleaning, organizing, preparing, packing, shopping, saving, and getting the apartment. So far I’ve done a lot. We have 28 days from now to be fully ready. I can do it because I am not doing it alone. A text away. A call. And only a short drive. It’s amazing having someone there to do this with. I know I could not do it alone and frankly, I do not want to do it alone. I am a people person and I fully enjoy the adventures that my friends bring me. These next few weeks are sure to be an amazing learning experience and more! By the time the u-haul comes I want to be 100% ready. Just move my crap into the u-haul. Take it to the apartment. Move it in. Return the u-haul. My goal is to get rid of 50% of my crap. Old books, school stuff, childhood memory stuff, etc. I want to organize all my photos into a bin for future albums and projects. I want to get a bin for my ‘character’ stuff for youtube…. so much to do, but 28 days to do it in! I’m excited. Can you tell?

I am excited because me and Eddie have such a bond and understanding of each other that I have no fears or worries about this move. We understand each other enough to be real with each other. I know that we are honest enough to share our feelings. We care enough to work any issue out.

At first we faced some issues with those around us but those issues appear to be working out for the best. For everyone involved changes are being made and it appears like they are all positive changes. My mother supports this. It means the world to me. It’s forcing them to sell/rent our home and get my stepdad to Vegas with my mom. It’s forcing me to grow up and into myself. It’s helping Eddie too. It’s forcing his roomies into their own issues, which may be kinda hard at first but will work out for the best. It has to. They are amazing people and I know they love him and will continue to do so. Why was I so nervous? so worried? These people surrounding us are pretty amazing. So much love. Who knew.

I am looking forward to game nights. I am looking forward to having everyone over to see our place. I am looking forward to making wall art with Eddie. I am looking forward to late night conversations about life and everything in it. I am looking forward to learning more about his heritage. Meeting his family. I am looking forward to eating oatmeal in the mornings. Making bacon. Going for jogs. This summer I want to live life to the fullest in Nashville. I want to experience and do everything I have never done in this city. When I thought I was moving to LasVegas I got super sad that I hadn’t done any of the things that this city has to offer. I realized I hadn’t experienced Nashville to the fullest. That is going to change. He promised.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be posting pictures, lists, ideas, and anything and everything associated with the move, the apartment, and my thoughts on it all.

Wish me luck babies.

xoxo,
Dust

At a fork in the road; which split to take?

When your life is going down this lovely road and everything is going fine. You’re happy. What do you do when the road has a split. Turn left or keep right?

When I think about the possibilities that could come of moving across the country I get excited. When I think about leaving behind my friends (that are my family) I get sad. When I think about the heat of LasVegas I wonder if I will be miserable? When I try to fathom being miles and miles and miles away from my mother I tear up. When I think about moving, switching banks, traveling for days to get there, a new job, and being alone I get nervous. Scared. Worried.

When I think about staying where I call home I feel safe. When I think about getting my very own first place I wonder what happens if I fail. I don’t want to fail.

So, I wonder which split in the road to take. I guess I will just play it by ear. I will follow the road as it comes…