Thinking of you, especially tonight.

Thinking a lot today. Each year at this time I realize just how fast time goes by. It feels like just yesterday it was January 1st. Then my birthday, then moving into my first place with Eddie. Then the amazing summer. The loves. The fun. Experiencing new things and new people, and enjoying every moment good and bad. Then fall hits and I remember October. 

I was so mad and hurt at first, but now so many things make sense. I look at the people around me, the people here now and those distant, and realize how each person changes a part of me and their place is always, forever in my heart and mind. 

As I remember my best friend Ashley tonight, I remember all the amazing times, the adventures, the laughs, her laugh, the drama, the gossips, the smoke breaks, the shopping, the study time…. I stopped just now. I smiled. I wish you all could see me. I thought about making this post a video post, but I would ramble for years and years. Also, I might cry a little. I am trying not to. It’s been four years since the passing of Ashley and it still feels like yesterday. The time flies. It does get easier. I am at full peace. I sure hope she is. I know she is. She was an amazing young woman that was taken from us far too soon. She changed me in so many ways and when I needed that push or that slap, she gave it. She understood and stood by me so much. At that age, looking back, I took that for granted. 

So this night and tomorrow are for you, Ashley. I miss you. I love you. I think of you. I’m doing things I never thought I would. I am me. I owe a lot of it to you, and you never even got to know it. Thank you.

In Memory of Ashley Helen Hanley.

Love,
D. 

Look in the mirror & I will be there with you.

Here is a first time for me. The first time something you’ve said that has caused a check-point for me. Wake up call, or text. Either way. It hit home deep inside my soul.

I realized something about me. Yes, I put all the fakeness in the trash for disposal, but I should really just recognize this as an opportunity to be 100% honest to these people and be there. There is a reason why people wear a fake smile, or as you turn around they talk shit. Something is wrong in each and every one of these lives and now I am determined to play my part as a friend, an honest and true friend, to help them through it. Help them see it. All I can do is be honest and there for them. What’s the worst that could happen? They stop talking to me? Been there, done that.

I cannot believe I missed this about myself. It takes an amazing friend to show you something in yourself sometimes.

Thank you.

xoxo,
D. 

If I had you…

… I wouldn’t be feeling the feelings I feel in this moment.

I have a lot on my mind and heart, today especially. I really looked forward to this year as the year of change and in some many ways it has. I also looked to this year as the year of growth, and it continues to be that. I looked to this summer as the summer of love, but I’ve found that isn’t going to be the case.

I’m sitting here on the couch with “The Nanny” on Nick@Nite playing on the TV. It’s hot in the apartment. Apparently our air is not working. Is that just a blessing in disguise? Cutting down on the electric bill, for sure. My mind is running through all the thoughts and feelings I’ve experienced lately, and for the first time I can speak of them freely. Before tonight I felt like what I wanted to say could not be said out of respect for people I don’t even know. Now, being that it is all past tense, it does not matter. I realize now that I should always speak freely in my forum. This is my story. I can’t alter what I am for anyone. Here goes…

Dancing in a pool at three in the morning is a memory I cannot forget. It’s something I really want to forget, but can’t. I’m mad at myself. I want to push this memory out. This is me pushing it out. Setting it out there. Getting it out of my mind.

There comes a moment in your life where you meet the people that help shape you. Each person I know has a purpose in my life. I’ve realized what his was. I’ve talked mildly in tweets, facebook updates, and here about Jarrod. I never really expressed in public what he meant to me, or I to him. Although, we did express this to each other. When I met him my intentions were to figure him out. He interested me and I wanted to know what his intentions were. After talking with him I realized how much I really liked him. As time went on I realized where my feelings were going. I know what page he wanted to be on. I cannot control what life brings me, or him. I felt as if recently the pages were turning together. This book is closed, now, though.

I’ve never had someone look at me like that. His eyes filled with a soul so warm it could make you melt. Cheesy. I know, but seriously. We’ve spent many days and nights enjoying each other’s company. I knew his plan was to move far away, but I was ok with that. I was ready to support and push him. I realized this relationship had an expiration date. I knew once he went to leave it would hurt, but I knew I wouldn’t be hurt. Hurting and being hurt - two separate things. His life is complicated. The complications spilled into my life, but I welcomed it because he is worth it. I respect that at this point in time he had to evaluate a lot of himself and the relationships around him. I always value when someone is honest with me, even if it hurts. I always expect 100% from people because I am always 100% with them.

Now I sit here tears in eyes wondering how long this will last. When will I be ok again? I’m far from ok right now. 

I realize that I could continue a friendship with him. He welcomes it. I know that sitting on a couch next to him without my head on his shoulder would not feel right to me. I know dancing in the pool at three am would not be… us. So, I made the decision that a friendship is not possible. I would have to hold back, be fake, and not be 100% with him in a friendship. I can’t do that. Can you date someone, then be their friend? Or is there always a gray area? If you know you cannot move forward in a friendship with, or without, the gray area - is it completely ok to remove this person? Tonight I removed him. We had lunch together. We talked. I wanted to cry so bad, but I knew that wouldn’t do anything but make my eyes red and puffy. I hugged that last hug. 

Through this experience I’ve learned a love for many things. Things like Glee, and Buffy. Swimming late at night. Staring at someone just wondering what they think. Soft hands. Specific scents to specific people. I’ve also learned to open myself up for the possibilities of love, and clearly, the possibility for heart break. I’ve learned how social networking has changed the dynamics of a relationship. I’ve learned how changing your status on facebook is like the official statement these days. It makes me see how complicated life can be, when you’re social network popular. Once you date someone and break up, do you delete each other in life and from social networking websites? Is that just deemed dramatic? Or is it necessary. Then, you have all the mutual friendships. It’s so complicated. 

In the end I’m most upset that I walk away from this feeling not worth it. If I were worth it, all the complications wouldn’t matter. All the other feelings would be out weighed. This is me realizing that to him, in this moment, with these circumstances, he felt like I wasn’t worth it.

That’s what it all comes down to. 

Note that this is not about “oh, you’ll find someone” or the “he’s missing out!” and any other “oh, he sucks!” phrases or thoughts by you, or me. Simply put he is amazing. I just wish he saw that in me, too.

Move forward I shall. After all, and this is a broken record now, things happen for a reason.

If you’re sleeping next to someone special tonight. Hold them. Hug them. Then tell them exactly what they 100% mean to you, because there is not always a tomorrow. Live your life fully.

xoxo,
D. 

To be friends, or, not to be. Not a question.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, and those around me this year. I know I have learned more and more about myself and the people around me this year, more than any year so far in my life. Sorry. All that sounded repeated. 

In learning about myself the one thing I’ve learned that I always need and strive for is what I call: 100%.

In my book being 100% with myself, and the people around me means better relationships, but sometimes also means a loss of relationships, too. Lately I’ve seen how it means a loss of friendship. What do we do after something changes in a friendship? What if I haven’t done anything, but have seen you do various things? Then you disappear or delete (sometimes, even block me socially online) from your life. It leaves me frustrated, that’s what. I’m frustrated that I held back. I’ve been 100%, but once I realize that you cannot return the favor - well, we can’t move forward. We can’t grow. I can’t trust you. All of which leads to how I cannot be 100% with you. The end result is a loss of friendship. So, now I find myself well aware of what I have to offer, what I do offer, and what I take. I also now realize that I must have a form of closure in all rights, with friendships.

Expect this soon. There is no real need to lay out the dramatic words to describe you, you, or… you. Not that there are three people involved, but… you know what I mean. I don’t have to share the stories about the various people I plan on speaking with soon. I guess I just have to be 100%. In being 100%, even if the friendship is coming to an end, I guess I owe it to myself just as much as I owe it to you to talk to you directly. 

I look at these feelings as an opportunity to help you grow. I realize that unless you produce change and offer yourself to me 100% that we will not move forward in our friendship. I am ok with that, but only after this last talk. 

I never wish anyone ill thought. Sometimes, though, the truth is hard to swallow. I’m a truth teller this year. I’m realizing that my truth is often far too hard to accept by those that I felt were friends. Funny.

Then again, fake friendships are far more popular and easy to keep. Why? Because being fake is the easy road. At the end of that road, though… you’re all alone. I’ll continue to be 100% even if that means loosing all the fake friends along the way. At the end of my road I’ll be surrounded by people that will speak about my love, friendship, and talent to be 100% - fully, always. That I can live with. 

I’ll update you all on how my talks go. Maybe I’ll learn something in understanding them, too. I hope I do. I wouldn’t want to walk away thinking - “what a waste”, in any capacity. 

xoxo,
D. 

My emotions this week have been under water.

It feels like it has been a month since I last wrote to you all. So much has happened so much is happening. I feel like I missed the opportunities to write my feelings out as they happened so now they will all be poured into these next few paragraphs like I would pour my cereal into the big white bowl with ‘slurp’ on it.

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately with myself. In some aspects I really realized that I do need my own time, but in other aspects I really realized how much I value my time with the people I love. I realize how much I miss my mother. Eddie left Nashville one week ago and it feels like it has been a month. This is the first time since meeting him that we haven’t seen each other on a daily. It’s weird not seeing your best friend for a week. He’s with his mom and sisters. He got to see his nephews. He’s doing good. I got a tour tonight via Skype of his mom’s house. Got to meet her. She speaks primarily Spanish so I tried to keep my English slow and proper so she’d better understand me. I think we did good! She’s so pretty. So sweet. I told her to teach Eddie something amazing to cook! I love mexican food! mmmmmm!! Seeing the way she looked at him reminds me of how my mom looks at me. I miss that! 

Speaking of mothers. It’s Mother’s Day this Sunday. I’m doing a lil’ video project. I guess it will basically be me reading a letter that I am writing to my mother. I will cry. I’ll share stories. A photo or two. I basically want my mother to know how much I value, appreciate, respect, and adore her. She’s in LasVegas so I cannot just hop in the car and drive on over. I wish more than anything that I could. I really do. It is hard living that far away from someone you love so much. I do not think that I could ever live in Vegas, but maybe I could live near it. I worry about my mother. I worry that she’s out there but with no family. My step dad is out there and has been for a while now, but now he’s going to start his job and he’s going to be gone for a full month. My mom cried about that on the phone with me. My heart broke. It is like when she smiles her entire heart smiles, but when she’s sad her entire heart breaks. I don’t deal well with that. I do while I am on the phone. I tell her it is ok. I change the subject. I try to make her laugh…. but it comes back around to her deep sadness in her voice. Her not wanting to be alone without him and alone without me. I always wanted the day where I moved out onto my own. Where I had my own place and felt proud. I have that now and I do. I love living with Eddie. I love what we have here. It’s worked out amazingly. It looks amazing. We’re having fun. It’s great. The thing I wanted most in all of this was my mom. I wanted her to come over for dinners. Maybe come watch a movie. Drink some wine. Have some laughs. I really wanted to be like “oh, I’m going to my moms for dinner. Wanna come?” to Eddie… but that will never, ever happen. I will never get to just hop in the car and drive over to my moms. That’s what I’ve realized recently. Eddie has opened up completely to his mother about being gay. I’m so proud of him, and proud of her. She has her arms opened wide to her son with complete acceptance and love. That woman is amazing. I hear his happiness with his family in his voice. He has a feeling of family which is something I think he hasn’t felt… in a long time, or ever. Now I see him being home sick and wanting to come home (I miss him, so much), but once he is here I see him really missing his mother too. Their bond is strong. I wonder if he will feel some of the things I feel about missing my mom. Is this how everyone feels about missing their moms? I worry that too much time will go by and the time will grow longer between visits of me with my mom… so much time… that it will feel like I’ve lived my life without her. I cannot fathom that thought and it makes me sad.

As I type these feelings and thoughts down for you all to read through… I cannot help but feel extremely guilty. So many people has lost their parents. So many people can only recall memories or look at old photos. I can still call my mom. I am lucky. I am blessed. Thank you.

This week has not only made me just miss my best friend and also my mother, but these storms that hit Nashville have turned my world into a crazy world. Eddie leaves on a Friday and Sunday we flood. Friday night Jarrod came over to hang out and spend the night after we saw “A Nightmare on Elm St.” (which was great by the way). I could not be more thankful for Jarrod. He’s there to smack me around when I need it most. He’s also there to lift up my spirits when I need it most, too. On Saturday I was alone. The power went out. The rain hit hard. I left the apartment and went to Amanda and Wes’ because I just did not feel at home when alone. I guess I am a big chicken. Then Sunday I go to work and the rain just would not stop. It kept going and going. Breaks and lunches went. They decided to close my work and asked us to leave the area. The Opryland Hotel was evacuated. The waters were rising. What the hell was going on? It was like a movie. The confusion. The rumors. The lack of real-time news. Twitter kept me up-to-date, thank god. The photos, the updates, the news, the websites, the phone calls… it all started to add up and make sense. Nashville was under water. I was scared. I was alone. My mom was worried. Eddie was worried. I felt like I was being pulled in a million directions. I just wanted a hug. I am ok. My car is ok. Our apartment is ok. What is not ok is that so many people lost their lives. So many people lost their homes. So many people are without a job now. This city is amazing and it will be rebuilt. It is so amazing that so many people care for their neighbors. It warms the heart. I was and still somewhat am in some form of shock from all of this. I really did not expect this from some rain! Walking to the end of our parking lot and seeing the main entrance to my work under water was scary. The gas station that I go into nearly daily outside of my work was under water. Today I drove by because finally, 4 days later, the water had gone down enough to reopen part of the street. It was so surreal to see those people that are always in that gas station outside cleaning and taking merchandise out of their store and throwing it away. They just remodeled the outside of that station. It is the things like that. The fact that the mall is still under water. That Opryland Hotel had 12 feet of water. That it will be closed for months to be fixed. The videos, the photos… the stories. I am truly thankful and blessed that I am ok, and that everyone I know is ok.

If you would like to give any type of donation to the Nashville Flood Relief please call 1-888-540-5200. You can also click on the main banner on http://www.1075theriver.com ‘s homepage to donate online. If you are in the Nashville area please check out http://www.hon.org and learn about how you can volunteer to help!

The apartment is dead silent. All I hear is my typing. I really miss Eddie. I realize how much he means to my daily life. :)

I’m in this really amazing place in my head right now. This place where my confidence is super high. I feel like I own the world right now. I told Jarrod that I owed him. He yelled at me via text and said I owed him shit and that he was just being him. He just doesn’t realized that he’s that cool. He’s amazing. He doesn’t realize that because he treats me the way he does and because he doesn’t look with those eyes the way most people do. He doesn’t realize a lot of things. Maybe he does. Maybe I don’t realize that he realizes these things. Whoa. It’s the touch - so soft and so right. He’s made me feel beautiful. We’re not dating. It’s not like that, even though I probably painted some picture that lead you to think that… but he is amazing. I hope that is something he realizes.

Amanda said I needed more gay men in my life. I needed that bond. She was right. I need my Eddie and Jarrod. Two of my best friends are now gay men. My best friend circle is closing in smaller and smaller, but it’s got an amazing mix of people that complete me. I am so thankful for that. I am becoming the person I need to because of them. I am learning so much in so many ways. When Amanda told me that I needed that; more gay men in my life…. I laughed. I really did. I also thought in my head - NO! Why? Because I really am not your typical gay man. I can tolerate some techno, but usually only if it’s Eddie (watching his face light up when he is hearing the music makes me smile). I don’t say a lot of these things: “oh my god he is fucking hot. Look at his ass! woo woo!” … that’s just not me, never has been. Now that I have that with my friends I realize that it is apart of me and that world. I do need that. I enjoy sitting on my couch watching Glee with Jarrod and cuddling. That’s something I cannot do with Wesley (lol) for various reasons…. and it is something I share with Jarrod, which makes my friendship with him special. I enjoy gay chit chat with Eddie. I never knew I needed that till I had it. It’s kind of like you can live without a DVR, but once you have one you can never live without it! I’ve just had a lot of realizations lately.

I miss my buddy, I love my mother, I’m thinking of all the people in Nashville, and I promise to write more soon…….

xoxo,
D. 

Puzzle pieces.

My life is a giant puzzle. Several giant puzzles. I guess you could look at life like that - a giant puzzle. You piece it together one piece at a time. Then you start to see the big picture. 

Have you ever knocked the puzzle off the table and watched all the pieces you worked so hard to get together fall apart? I just did. At my job I work in this large office with tiny little half walled cubicles. They are high enough to hide your work space but low enough to see people around you. It’s lovely. In my current seat position I have about 5-10 people/desks behind me in a row, but I overlook many desks and rows. I also see a wall of windows from across these desks I can see. It’s great. I’m near the back door and I have a space of my own. Before January I had several team members that I fully enjoyed seeing on a daily basis. My department had different schedules. Then January happened. My department changed a little and some of my dear friends left this building. Our schedules changed and I saw less and less of the people I truly value. Then Eddie happened. Eddie and his team was moved into the desks near me. That’s how our friendship started because he sat two desks away. We face each other. Today started the moving of teams and departments and desks. New schedules, too. Now Eddie is on the opposite side of the building. I won’t get to cheer him up when he’s on some bullshit call, and I won’t be cheered up from his genuine smile. This truly does suck. In a week or two I will be moving to a new area, too. This new area is the ONLY area in this building that has no views of the windows, has poor lighting, and is often the ‘forgotten’ area. Hell, I forget it is there all the time. Now I will stare at a blank blue wall for 8 hours each day. The kicker is in that area there are not enough desks so I will not have my own desk… each day I come in I’ll sit at a new seat. I have no sense of pride in my space anymore. I have no sense of home in a place where I spend most of my days. I will have no concept of this summer - is it raining? sunny? is it even daylight still? No windows. 

I realize to some that read this it may appear like I am being some huge cry baby about these changes, but my puzzle was put together and it was so beautiful. Now it has fallen off the table and I think I lost some pieces…

Not everything in my life is a puzzle that has fallen apart. There is this other puzzle I’ve been working on and it is amazing. It is full of the color red. This puzzle is an amazing friendship. I feel comfortable. I am surprised at how many people that I hold near and dear to my heart look at me with nonjudgmental eyes. I love that so many people see me for me. At the same time so many don’t. People I thought knew me and I thought I knew them have been surprising me with their judgement, their jealousy, and their lies. I was talking to Eddie and we were chatting about some one special to me, and I was telling him how we cuddled. I said I felt amazing because it was so close. There was no space in between and I really enjoyed that. He said “Like a puzzle?” and that has completely inspired my thoughts tonight. It was. I found myself laying next to someone that made me completely comfortable. Someone that looks at me and sees me. Someone that I enjoy spending time with. Someone that is very amazing. Now, this sounds like a puzzle of love. Doesn’t it? It is in some rights, but I am not falling in love. I’ll be tweeting and blogging and talking about all these amazing thoughts and feelings and I may mention his name. Actually, I know I will… but anyway, this is a total loving friendship. I find that I have more and more of these. I’m investing in quality people that mean something special to me in their own ways. Gone are the friendships of convenience or friendships or association. 

I don’t work the same schedules as my friends. We all have different off days. I don’t live near ALL my best friends. All of that is ok. I know they are there. We work together to make time to enjoy each other and that makes the friendship puzzles that more amazing. I am blessed. I am happy. I’m just really fucking bummed out about work. I think I am bummed out about work because it is such a big chunk of my days. 

I need to stay focused on myself and my plans and goals. I need to look through the negative changes and see all of the positive. I will be working the same schedule as Jarrod (see - already mentioned his name!) and that means we might be able to do lunch more and more. I’ll have to schedule more time with Eddie to have me and him hang out time - making that more special, too. I guess I can hang up my 10-12 Britney Spears posters on that giant blank wall, and since I won’t know which desk I will be at… I can hang one in front of EACH desk. Why? Because I might be at that seat one day and if I can’t see the outside beauty I will see the Britney beauty.

Life is a puzzle. Work is a puzzle. Friendships are puzzles. Love is a giant puzzle. But the best puzzle of all is the cuddle puzzle… being in someones arms is the best nights sleep I’ve had.

xoxo,
D. 

Down the Rabbit Hole.

Down the rabbit hole I go. Falling into an unknown. Falling hard, fast, into this dark hole. Falling fast with the wind hitting my hair. Falling down will take me there -

I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. I am faced with obstacles for my learning benefits. I am looking at everything in my life and evaluating each part individually. One step at a time. One part at a time. One day at a time.

This week has been one of the hardest in a long time for various reasons. You know what though, I made it through it. I am alive. I am smiling. I am me. I haven’t figured out why I was faced with each obstacle yet, but I know deep down inside that they have all happened for a reason. I will end up where I should with more knowledge than last week. I keep reminding myself to not expect anything from anyone at any given moment. I keep reminding myself to be selfless, to love fully, to be passionate, to be strong, to be me, and most importantly to be aware and there for myself.

I am thinking towards my future and my goals. This year has been dedicated to my health and body. I am moving towards that goal. I wonder where I shall go next? I need to set another goal as I get closer to finishing this goal, but should I wait to think about it? Should I just think about it now and plan to make it a goal? I’m not sure. I don’t want to stress or overwhelm myself, but I have to keep moving forward. What do I want out of life? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to take along with me? Distance is only that. Distance. Miles. 

So here I go. I continue to fall, get back up, learn and move on. I am alone in this life. I have no twin attached to my hip. I have no family. My ‘best friends’ circle is small; and it keeps getting smaller. 

Falling down this dark long rabbit hole - I hope you all are finding inspiration, or… are taking something from these blogs, from these ramblings, from my life experiences that are documented here. I hope you all know that as much as I am me; always me - that I am there for you. Always there for others, 100%.

Just like a circus.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a circus. A show. Walking on a tight rope in this segment and you can’t fall off those things. I don’t want to fall, but I am.

The difference was last week you were there and this week you’re not. Off the rope and onto the ground I go. I’ll get back up and dust off my sparkled ring leader outfit and be ok. This week I know exactly what alone feels like. Awkward. Silence. Glares. This week I know what an unreturned text feels like. This week I will learn the most important lesson of them all; drop me once, drop me twice… when I fall I’ll break the ice. The ice shatters and the cuts run deep. No one likes a bloody, battered, scared, sad ring leader. They come to the circus for laughs and entertainment. For fun. This circus is not fun.

/end.