Someone Like You?
Hi y’all. Long time no write. Sorry. I guess it is time to open up my book and share a chapter with you.
I often feel like my pages are not turning. Like I am not writing my life. I am trying to figure it all out. In this process of trying to figure it out I think I got it: I’m broken. Which may or may not make much sense at all to you. Do you ever feel like no one cares, even when you know that someone does - maybe even several people, but it just isn’t enough. That’s me. I feel like I’ve lost that other person that made me excited to rush home, to go to the gym, to cook with, to laugh at and with.
I knew what this person meant to me, but clearly they had no idea how much I really cared. If they had known just how much then they would have never walked out of my life like the past year and a half did not exist. It’s hard loosing a friend. It’s even harder when they didn’t die. With death at least there is some closure. This situation - the fight, the awkwardness, the move, the stresses, the lack of communication, the beyond repairing what has been done, the pain of loss - is too much at times.
I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost my way. In those moments came a long line of sad nights, more than usual drinks, a lonely head and heart, and far too many stresses. When I feel lost at this level I give up on things I love, even myself. So, how does one find themselves again? How do we take those happy inspirational moments and keep them afloat long enough to turn it into days, weeks, and months of progress? How do we fix the broken?
I need answers. I need help. I am not jumping off the bridge; I don’t have enough excitement to do that. I need to find myself again. I need to wake up in the morning excited about the day for me.
Tomorrow starts the first step. My goal is to wake up thinking “What can I do today to make me happy?” all while putting on my running shoes and going outside. It’s time to put this ipod to use and get physical. A friend of mine on the internet, Dan, posted on FaceBook that he needed a workout buddy and a gay shopper. He is going to check in with me tomorrow. I need that. I need someone to push me, to ask me, and to even shake me when I fall off the ‘running’ bandwagon. I wish he lived here; someone I know I’d really enjoy running with, talking to, and crying with.
Part of my problem is that I do not have that. That someone that I’d share those goals and emotions with. It’s frustrating. It’s also keeping me from healing me. Right now there are two songs I hear every single day that really drive my emotions; “Everytime” by Britney Spears for the line “Everytime I try to fly without my wings I fall. I guess I needed you baby.” and “Someone Like You” by Adele for the entire song. I feel like I cannot fly without my wings, and my wings were you.
Funny how my mind works. Sorry if this didn’t make sense. Not sorry, but. you know. I’ve had a super hard time just writing this out. So, I did. Just sat and wrote.
I hope getting this out helps me. Maybe fixes my broken.
Britney Spears “‘Til The World Ends (Remix)” ft. Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha!
Q & A?
http://blog.hollywoodhames.com/ask - Q & A. :)
You think you know me…
Just when you think you have me figured out I go and tell you all this:
I called my mother tonight. The pain in her voice. The pain and sadness in her soul. It hurts me so. Just when I feel like life is looking up for everyone around me I realize that smiles through a phone are sometimes easy to fake. I realize that so many people are not happy. I realize how loved and missed I am.
I keep having dreams where I save Britney Spears from her life. From her life of imprisonment of fame, conversatorships, and fake people. I keep seeing the pain in her eyes on TV and in photos. It haunts me in my sleep. Is this normal? Then I wake up and realize maybe it’s the pain in my mothers voice I hear. Maybe it’s the sadness in the eyes of people who miss people. Friends who miss friends.
Maybe I am crazy.
So just when you think you know me, realize I am a complex individual. I don’t even know me. My mind is so powerful it scares me. I realize right now that there are people that need me. My mother is one of those people - she’s in the utter most need of my presence right now and life decisions have separated us and keep us from seeing each other more than 1-2 times a year. I will change this.
Just when I think I know me; my mind and heart tells me to sell it all and go.
Just when I was feeling normal, calm, happy, and ready for the summer… I don’t know me anymore.
