Moving on and up.

I’ve found myself at a loss for words a lot these days. At some point I shut down to you all, and even myself. I may have told my friends, family, and coworkers the facts of my recent life experiences, but I did not share my feelings or thoughts - not even to myself. Just now I had a rush of thoughts and feelings run through my veins like a crisp cold Diet Dr. Pepper.

I am not even really sure where I feel like the first blow to my thoughts and feelings was the downfall and drama surrounding my ownership and running of the website FramingHanley.net. As most of you may know I sold this website last fall after a lack of appreciation, a lot of online bullying, and a shit ton of drama surrounding every aspect of my ownership of the website. To spare the drama and the details that have probably been heard - I will just share a few things and my thoughts and feelings. When I was young I spent a lot of my free time creating graphics, taking photos, and always supporting what has now become Framing Hanley. All of this was an outlet for my creativity and a lot of great memories with friends. At some point things changed between me and at least one of the band members. I still continued to support even through drama and the end of friendships. I did not do this to gain money or fame. I did this because I was great at what I did for the website and they had no real fan site to expose their music to their fans. It was my goal to reach fans and deliver what the fans wanted to them constantly. When specific things were posted some people got upset. Drama ensued and eventually I just could not support someone that was so blatantly spreading more hate than love and awareness. After my announcement my name was smeared and that hurt. It hurt because what was said was complete lies. My decision was spun to make this person look like a leader and me a liar. I will never forget or forgive that moment, those words, or this person. I’ve never felt like someone whom I once called a friend would ever just lie like that. What happened next was a lot of hate pouring out from the fans, and even some “friends” of mine - to me. It was my decision to block, delete, and forget those people. After all, they really had no idea. What upset and hurt me is that people that really had no idea were the first ones to play both sides of the situation. Sending me emails, direct messages, FaceBook messages, and Tweets telling me either horrible things or wonderful things - then turning around and smearing my name and work - my dedication and honesty - to the other person. It was then that I realized that I was just a tool to these people to be used to update a website, to help gain fans, to keep fans updated… and the fans just thought of me the same (not all of them, I think the ones that are free thinkers and not blind - were genuine. Thank you.) way - a tool to get what they wanted and closer to the band. Looking back I have no regrets. I learned a lot. I learned that those types of situations should have always been business, and never a mix with friends. Moving forward I will limit myself in my work for friends. I can now say that my only wish is that people really knew who they idolize. They probably never will - their loss. A fool is fooling so many, but thankfully not me.

A lot of feelings on my family have weighed my heart lately. I’ve never been that close to any of my relatives, but I recently realized why I never will be. I am shocked and disgusted with how my family treats other family members. I am shocked at how they are so driven by drama, that they cannot even see the importance surrounding events like death, love, and happiness. My great aunt’s passing helped me see who some of my family members really are. I cannot help but feel sad for them as I came back to my reality - came back to my family of friends, and sanity. I wish them all the best, but I have no desire to see some of them ever again. I think what makes me different from my other family members is that I face my problems, I think critically, I love fully, and I speak out on my emotions. So many people do not do that - so much so that they do not function. That’s been my problem as of late; locking up and shutting down without being true to who I am to myself. When I shut down I become one of them. Clueless. Unhappy. Frustrated. Well not anymore - after putting my emotions on the table in this blog I realize how important it is for me to do so. How I can carry on healthily towards my goals.

There are two more things weighing in on my mind now - one is work, and another is Eddie. The work one is pretty simple - I won’t discuss it here in great detail. All I know is that I feel under appreciated. I feel taken advantage of. I feel a loss of that drive that got me excited about going in to work. I am working on getting that back, slowly each day. I fear that the people that I work around might look at me as annoying because of my lack of being ‘there’… Hopefully I can show them I am here, there, and will be. I just need to put up, and shut up. Get down to work. Right? right!

Almost done - if you’re still reading, thank you. Your input, thoughts, feelings would be greatly appreciated through a message / email / tweet / direct message. :)

Onto my friendship with my best friend. It’s not there anymore. Physically we live together, but you’d never know that. He does his thing. I do mine. I’ve heard he posts obvious rants towards me on Facebook, but we’re not friends. I don’t care. It’s funny what can happen and change, and even the minor things blow up into big ordeals. It’s also funny how the most important person in your life can change and become the least important. That’s how I feel. At some point I lost my friend. Either he wasn’t being himself before, or he’s not being himself now. Either way, it’s different. I don’t know if I can even bring myself to tell him all of this - maybe he’ll read it. Maybe none of it will make sense. I just know in my heart that I did some things wrong and probably crazy, but when he stopped asking and listening he never gave a chance to understand my moments. I shut down and put up a wall too, because I saw the ugly that others could see but felt like it would never apply to me. There is probably too much dramatics involved. There are feelings and thoughts going unshared. I never know what the future brings, but I never regret the past. Each day I learn. Each day I grow. I just wish that Eddie would be apart of that. I feel like my chapter with him has been written and turning these pages I see a new chapter. His story stopped.

Where does all of this put me? It puts me at ease. I am free of the website that caused a lot of pain. I have said goodbye to my aunt. I love my mother. I love my friends. I hate my job, but am willing to work towards loving it again. I am worried about my roommate situation (for a lot of reasons that have been unsaid here). I don’t know where I will be in a month, or two months… or in a year. I just know that where and what I will be is me. Myself. I will always be real, focused, and full of love.

My heart feels lighter and warmer.
My head feels clearer.
My soul feels renewed.

A quick and very meaningful thank you to my mother, my friends, my online family. Without your hugs, calls, texts, messages, tweets, likes - I’d have been lost and depressed.

xoxo,
Dusty.

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Moving on and up.

Work, friends, and summer.

Dramatics.