Eating your emotions and choking on mine.

They fill my mind, heart, and soul. Usually with amazing force. A force I wish I could control but I can’t. Basically that means that I cannot control my emotions. They are like a roller coaster. Sometimes I feel crazy. I wonder if this is what drove Britney to shave her head. I wonder if I could have survived her life. Those pressures.

I wonder what life has in store for me. I sit here running through so many things and I do it alone. If I share them with people I feel like they judge me. If I continue to pour them onto just one person that has never judged me then that person will grow old of my roller coaster.

I am and will always at the end of the day be alone. I wake up alone. I shower alone. I drove around alone. I eat alone daily. I drove home alone. I go to sleep alone. I am surrounded by people, but some of the things that should be filled with conversation, cuddling, sex, excitement… they are all done, alone.

When I was younger I was alone a lot. My mother was a single mom trying to keep our rent paid and lights on. I was an only child. I was poor and fat. I didn’t have friends. I played alone. I cooked for myself. I got into computers and games because that is all I had. Then came TV and music. I do not blame my mother at all because when she was there she was there full force. In my high school years I was surrounded by friends all the time. I loved that. I miss it. 

So I feel super emotional lately and I have no where to turn. So I turn to this blog. Maybe through writing here it reaches someone else so they don’t feel so alone. So they see that others are out there going through emotions. Not always bad ones, not always amazing ones. This year has been amazing. I love every moment of it. Today I didn’t feel myself. Yesterday I felt even less like me. 

My new apartment is beautiful. It is lacking some things that still need to happen, but in time those things will fall into place. I still need to paint my room. I need to hang some photos. But the most important thing that this place is missing is the adventure. I am in a routine. Wake up, shower, work, lunch, work, come home, face book, twitter, tan, work out, shower, bed. Daily. repeat. I’ve gone here and there. Shopped. Walmart. But I miss the slumber parties, the trips to the ghetto at night, driving home at sunrise. iHop. The texting. The random chats. The complete comfortableness and happiness. 

I never thought I would say that I miss my mothers house, but I do. I miss the room I was in. I miss the house in general. I love my new place, and I thought it was just because I’d only been here a week or two, but… maybe it isn’t that. My mind is racing with so many topics. I’ve been holding back. I am not even sure if people read these. I talk on twitter and feel like there is no response. I feel like there is no communication. 

This blog entry is all over the place. I apologize. My mind is working like that right now. Up and down, over, and around… upside down. left. right. Just like a roller coaster. I am tired. I feel my eyes becoming really heavy. Before I click “create post” and call it a night I wanted to say…

I haven’t been able to weigh myself, but I feel like I gained a pound or two recently. It’s not always about the number really, but I feel inches larger. I haven’t eaten the way I was this week and that is it. I have to get back onto my path. I need to find the passion deep inside and keep going. Not that I really need to, but I really want to. I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be healthy and thin. I am a confident person on the shell, but deep down inside I am horrified by me. I love myself for me, but hate myself for my body. No one wants me and maybe that is because I don’t want me, but ultimately it comes down to weight. 

Things I never thought I’d share here. I feel better saying it. Maybe I won’t talk about these things to anyone other than you all. Whoever you all is. We all have those moments and days where we feel like shit. It’s been a couple of days, maybe a week, since I felt not like shit. I need to walk my walk. I need to keep going. 

The funny thing is one day when my outside matches my inside and I start getting the attention that I deserve… I’ll be getting attention from people that never would have given it before. There will be games. Fake. I will be apart of everything that I hate about relationships, love, sex, and body image. I fear that. I think that is why I haven’t worked so hard to become what I was meant to be. Because I want no part of that. I remember how amazing my mother felt when she lost all of her weight, but then I remember her telling me how ironic it was that people started paying attention to her just because she was thin. I want that so bad, yet… I don’t.

If you can’t see me now then do not be surprised if I won’t see you later.

I guess I just wish I had someone to lay next to and be with. I wish I had someone that looked at me the way I looked at them. I wish I had someone that accepted me for me now and later. I wish I had my mother a mile away instead of a thousand. I wish I wasn’t alone. Empty hearted.

I wish a lot. I dream even more. How many dreams have you made a reality?