I’ve come to realize that nothing about me or the life I enjoy is normal. This year more than ever I come to realize that nothing is perfect. When life takes a turn in a different direction you really have to find the silver lining. You have to take what is thrown at you and make it work. You have to find happiness in the daily tasks. Well, you don’t have to, but I do. I always do.
When I lost my job on January 31st many people close to me asked the normal questions. “How are you?”, “Are you ok?”, “What will you do next?”, and more often than not “What happened?”… All of which I’ve answered honestly and appropriately as needed. I am an open book. Maybe I freaked people out when I didn’t cry. When I wasn’t upset. When it was really “ok”… it’s the divine ability within myself to be ok. To make it through that day. The next, and the one after that.
I’ve learned many lessons in life, love, and work. Lately I’ve been learning a lot quicker, and many more lessons. All at once. I am so very thankful that I can share my mind and heart with someone so wonderful. I am making it through everything because of that man. The support of him, with friends, makes me realize that I am ok; that I will be ok; and that life is changing always and this change is a good one.
Before and the cause of my job loss, I was arrested for not having a license. I was working towards paying off debts resulting from tickets that caused my license suspension. Not addressing these issues when faced and putting them on the back burner cost me a lot financially and even emotionally. I will forever be thankful for the friends that have been there by my side through each and every step of the way. I don’t think I would have ever made it through the mess without them; honestly. I am proud to say that my legal issues are behind me. I’m saddened to say that this all cost me my job. Lessons learned. No regrets. Silver lining.
Freedom. Ever feel those burdens just lifted? All at once. That happened recently. Mind you that other burdens fall hard, but are not unmanageable. I’m at this crossroads. I’m deciding the next step. The next path. What to do. I’m doing so with love and support.
This past weekend changed me. Why? Because for the first time I got to hug Mikey. I’ve been talking to this awesome guy for months now. Dating if you will. It’s hard to date someone that isn’t 10 minutes down the road. Makes it challenging to just eat dinner together and go see a movie. We’re not typical. I like that. I met him through work. He works in a sister location out of Knoxville. There’s a time difference of one hour and 179 miles that separate us. I’ve spent the past few months talking to this man daily. Video chat, phone calls, texts.. really getting to know him. Communication. Building a friendship; a relationship. This weekend I was surprised to find out that he was headed this way to surprise me. What a wonderful surprise. Wait, now I got nervous! What if that chemistry we feel wasn’t the same vibe in person? What if I was not as tall as he anticipated? So many thoughts and feelings rushed through my mind and heart. It was time, though. It’s funny to me to get a text that says that he was at a local clothing store; a few miles from my house. It’s time. I got into the car and drove there; oh, he was done and now headed to a gas station. Oh, wait…. that’s him. There he is. Sitting at a red light two lanes over. Reading my text message. He was precious. We met at the gas station, then went shopping, then took my car back home. We went downtown. Then we came back home. We hung out; then went out. Came home, had food, and then went to bed. We talked and talked. We laughed. We experienced Nashville and lived in the moment. We talked ‘til we fell asleep. I woke up in his arms and it felt amazing. We fit together. It was everything I’ve expected and more. The level of life I feel is unremarkable when I am with him. There is that vibe and that level of chemistry that cannot be determined until you are in person. It wasn’t awkward. It just felt right. Driving around. Eating. Experiencing life. Oh, and I forgot to mention that he had a friend with him. That was the only thing I was nervous about. She knows nothing about who I am, like he does. I’ve never talked to her. And you know what, she likes me. She likes us together. She sees how it works and fits. That makes me feel awesome. To have her tell me today that he smiles and lights up when talking to me. That I make him happy. That makes me so excited for our futures. For it all. They say that when you meet the person that you will marry, you know it. It’s young, it’s fresh, it’s fun, it’s real. I will marry this man one day. I want the opportunity to build my future with him. I want to reach goals together. I want to find life with him. So, from here we continue to travel date. We continue to learn about each other. We grow; together.
If it is one thing I know; my life is crazy. Not everyone gets it. Not everyone understands me, or everything that goes on in my daily life. I am so thankful for him, and for all of my friends that are here. Pushing me.
So what is next? I am not sure. I’m working out my life in my mind. I know what I want, I just have to reach for it. Everything comes with time. Everything worth something, that is. All I know is that I am not tied down. I feel free. I am supported fully and that makes me realize more and more about me and the people around me.
What a lot of people talk about at the beginning of the year are their resolutions. The things that they want to do differently this year than years previous. I’m not sure that I have any resolutions per say, but I do have a lot of goals. I have a lot of things that I am excited about this year. I’m excited about turning 27 in 25 days. I’m excited about growing and learning and experiencing things with him. I’m excited about the growth at work. I’m excited about seeing my mother. I’m excited about being done with student loans. I really see this year as turning into one of the years I will look back at and be proud of.
So, what are your new years resolutions?
I never write anymore. I find myself saying that as an opener each time I go here and start to write. I feel like it is a reminder that I don’t do this nearly as much as my heart says I should. It’s time.
So, first… Merry Christmas to all of my friends, family, coworkers, and readers. I truly hope that each and every person I know is surrounded by love, laughs, and happiness today. Christmas was my favorite holiday as a child because it was a guaranteed day that I knew I’d see all of my family. You know, the ones that never come out of their homes or their busy lives to mingle with the rest of the regulars? I remember decorating my grandmothers huge fake tree weeks before with her many many ornaments given to her by the children that road her school bus. I wonder if families still honor the drivers of their children with gifts? I wonder if that was just the 80’s and 90’s? Or was it just for my sweet and efficient grandma? I like to think that it was just my grandma that would come home with a trash bag full of little trinkets from her children. I remember her smiling as she looked over the tree and remembered each and every gift given to her. The tree was covered in so many school buses. She absolutely loved it. I really miss her today. My Christmas’ changed when she passed. It’s funny how time changes things so simple. I’d give anything to be in that house looking at that tree and hearing her voice yell something silly at my grandpa.
Last night I was laying in bed texting Mikey (I know - you’re going to ask all about him, and I will share…) about many things surrounding Christmas traditions. It got me thinking about that tree. It also reminded me of the card games we would all play after dinner and presents. I remember being 10 years old and all the adults sitting around my Aunt Loretta’s dining room table playing “31” with a bunch of nickles and dimes. My mom, my cousin, my aunt, my uncle, my grandma, my great aunt, her best friend, and sometimes even me. I remember them all holding cigarettes and gossiping about the holidays. I remember hearing the laughs. I really miss that. Most of these people have left this world, and as a child I never realized how important those memories would become when I was 22….25… and now 26.
So, I really hope that you’re enjoying your time with whatever it is that makes you happy. Take it in. Even the silly drama. The family dynamic is something that one day will be missed and can never be replaced. Soak it up. Just watch. Enjoy.
As I’ve gotten older this holiday has meant less and less to me. I’m never the one that is excited for this day. I enjoy the decorations. I like the food. I love a nice tree. But my tree is always empty. I’m always alone at the end of the night. I am however so very thankful that as the years have gone on my friends recognize this about me and always make sure I feel 100% welcomed in on their families festivities. Last year I spent Christmas with Chris and Krystl. Her family plays cards. I loved it. I’ve spent the year before with Amanda’s family. I’ve spent Thanksgivings with Rachel’s family. This year I was invited by everyone to be a part of their day and that makes me feel truly blessed and loved. I don’t think that Chris, Krystl, Amanda, Wes, Rachel, JT, Martha, … or any of the countless others that always include me will ever really know how much I admire their loves for each other, their families, and the fact that they always think of me and take care of me. So. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you!
I feel as if in the recent months I’ve truly learned a lot about myself, and those around me. I’ve faced a lot of hardships this year but with the support of the people around me I’ve made it through. I’m so very excited about the new year. I’m excited to be writing again. To feel inspired.
So here’s to new years! See you all in 2013. :)